Writing After a While

Been feeling a bit small and broken. In the face of new hire paperwork, signing an official contract, and registering for new teacher trainings... not to mention the daunting prospect of preparing a classroom and curriculum for 120ish kids. I'm having a hard time seeing the now from the future's fears.

I find myself wanting to feel worse than I do. I feel my meds working and my sanity fighting harder for majority rule. Yet that dark side is pushing, trying to regain control and part of me wants it to. I want a crisis to get me out of this pressure. I want to be in more pain so I have an excuse, a reason to say "I can't" as opposed to "I'm afraid." It feels sick and twisted and yet reasonable too.

The hubs is so pragmatic compared to my emotional turmoil. He reminds me to focus on the now and what I've done toward my goals today, not the goals in entirety, everything at once as if it needs to happen NOW. It's not realistic or true. I do have some time to get everything done. I even have time after school starts to keep working on my trade and preparations. It's ongoing. So like life, no real finish line, just so many beginnings.

Anyways.

Haven't written in a few days so we'll see what happens with this week's Words for Wednesday!

1.  Mythology                                             7.   Barrier

2.  Contemporary                                       8.  Captivate

3.  Instinct                                                    9.   Companion

4.  Overture                                               10.   Unique

5.  Banter                                                   11.   Affair

6.  Groundbreaking                                 12.   Interior  

The mythology was captivating and unique. My companion in the bunk above would not have appreciated the lush interior of the science fiction novel; the unique and groundbreaking fiction creating a world similar to ours but different enough to captivate and educate. It seems we don't learn as well from our own examples. Simple banter over a character's affair becomes an overture about my own secret desires for a different life that I know would doom me. Yet that instinct to dream persists. The barrier to my happiness was surely the inability to accept my reality according to the book and I couldn't argue with this ancient as well as contemporary wisdom. How many pop psychologists touted the same fixtures of happiness? And yet how many societies pushed for change and desire. I devoured the book and it's fantastical content, relishing the mystical characters that I shared so much in common with. Maybe someday I would become actualized like the protagonist and yet part of me wished it would never be so and that I could cherish this book forever in my struggle.

Well there ya have it. It feels a little vague and not quite fleshed out but I think it touches on some of the heady thoughts I've been dancing with lately.


In other news, the hubbo thinks it might behoove us to move sooner. Saving money and such. I'm afraid of the whole prospect. All the worries about school and then the fact that I haven't begun packing a single thing! So much pressure. Mostly created in my own mind... I'm not alone. No one expects me to be perfect. And most everyone I've spoke to about the move has been so happy for me and supportive and excited-I know that they see something in me that I can't see myself right now.


I just have to step back.


These tiny steps back and forth. I feel like a worm!

Deciding

Where can I start? There is such a cluster of emotions and thoughts that I'm having a hard time deciding if I'm "okay" or "fine" or "I don't know." At least I know that I'm not "not okay" or "I'm in trouble."

It's just that making such a big decision like moving 800+ miles into a totally new region puts ya in a weird place emotionally! At least for me. It's a little frustrating not having strong feelings either way. I'm excited, sure, but not for everything. I'm scared, but not of everything. I feel good about a move and then have bursts of wanting to crawl back into  my little 2 bedroom apartment and stay forever.

The hubs is a bit similar. Not 100% either way. Leaning let's do this thang! and still not exactly gung-ho... where is that from?


TANGENT:

gung-ho
/ˌɡəNGˈhō/

adjective

unthinkingly enthusiastic and eager, especially about taking part in fighting or warfare.
"the gung-ho soldier who wants all the big military toys"

Chinese in origin.


Anyways. Ahem.

I think it's not necessarily a bad thing to feel these types of middling feelings. Feeling 100% either way could be a sign of a severe emotional swing or misguided, unrealistic thoughts. I'm not on top of the world and I'm not creeping along the dark ocean floor. I'm in the middle and it's a new sensation.

Something I do not like is the prospect of renting somewhere without seeing it first. I'm picky and find myself concerned about things like bad caulking or weak shelves. Then there is the very rational concern about not getting a feel for the neighborhood. We're not sure that one of us would be able to come down for just a rental excursion but it might have to happen. There is a chance I'll want to go down early for school registration stuff anyways....

Much to do. Much to think and feel. In the meantime, I'll go try and find some distraction :o) The hubs has his in the bubble bath!

Words for Wednesday and Breaking News

Whoa, these words look way challenging to me today! Let's see where they take us...

1.  Physical                                                 7.  Bearing

2.  Partial                                                    8.  Accomplish

3.  Performance                                          9.  Deficient

4.  Melee                                                    10.  Hullabaloo

5.  Odyssey                                                11.  Concrete  

6.  Amplify                                                12.  Cultural

The hullabaloo was becoming an odyssey. With the benefit of technology, the performance had become physical and not just oral. The FaceTime calls were racking up and a melee of off-balance facial expressions and overlapping comments were exciting but draining. The lack of body language created a deficient climate for proper conversation. The difference wasn't cultural as much as technical and it was a flurry of interactions in mere minutes of weighty exchange.

The news had broken. It was concrete. We were moving to Utah and the secrecy that had shrouded our efforts at finding employment in the foreign state amplified the drama of the reveal. There had been partial truths; honest moments between family and friends about genuine but generalized apprehensions and hopes. Now that the deed had been accomplished we were able to air the dream. Not that opinions would have any bearing on our family's mission to chase new opportunities... but it certainly helped feel like we wouldn't be completely alone 800 miles away.

Once again I am surprised by where the words end up falling. I always suspect they will be therapeutic and reach into my own world, teasing out pieces of me that need a voice. Sometimes it works out that way and other times I get shocking pieces of fiction that I never see coming.

So, yep. The news has broken. We have told my family that I accepted a position in Utah and that we'll be moving in July. Roughly two months actually... I think. Yep. Calculating dates is a form of math right? Ugh!

My parents were shocked. The hubs and I thought maybe they had had some sort of suspicions but no. My mom actually cried and I think my dad teared up too. It was so validating to know that they care and so encouraging to hear their support and excitement for us. 

My siblings had two very different reactions. My sister thought I was lying. Straight up, wouldn't believe it despite not being able to figure out what kind of joke I was supposedly pulling. She was upset when she realized how sad my nephew would be at BB moving away and we resolved to make some sleepover dates before then. 

My brother was more... stoic. "Cool. Congrats." Not really phased, but definitely surprised.

So here we are... one step at a time. I'm going to be a teacher and a Utah resident before I know it. I'm moderately terrified at the prospect. It's SO MUCH to be a teacher. Parent/teacher conferences sound like a dungeon sporting a variety of tortures. Thankfully I've got some teachers in my life and the lovely internet to help support me as well as some veteran teachers at my new school. (MY NEW SCHOOL!)

Be well :o)

Holy Moly

Holy moly. 

(insert adorable picture of a mole here)

Holy moly because I've received a job offer (contingent upon my reference surveys meeting muster).

Holy moly because it's in Salt Lake City.

Holy moly because I'm scared and surprised and thrilled and terrified all at once.


The job is a half-time position at a high school working with seniors in English Language Arts subject. There are a lot of red flags with this position (I may have typed to this in posts prior) like low-income/high diversity/large class size and with this position I've been told that it is not "the creme of the crop" but the "other students" that are leftover from the International Baccalaureate and advanced placement classes or students mostly concerned with athletics according to the principal.

This in concerning because it usually means students probably aren't going to be as engaged and respectful or interested or committed and have more learning and behavioral issues. As seniors at this level I may have some students just waiting to fail. It's scary because as a new teacher I'm worried about learning the ropes and challenging class demographics is a challenge on top of challenges.

It reminds me of what my student teaching mentor had on his plate and considering I would never accept his position I'm a little "What the hell, girl?" about accepting this one. I still have questions to ask and things to clarify before I officially accept an official offer and mostly importantly, it's a half-time position.

But oh what a thrill. I got a voicemail and an email to call the principal back, called and missed him, and then he called me back and told me how they thought I'd be a fit for their team and other niceties that made me blush. By the end of the call I was quivering and after hanging up the hubs snuck around the corner to see what the news was and I burst in a laughing sob!

"They want me!"

I'm still marveling at that... they want me.

Disgust

(Written on Thursday)

Remember how my family friend touched my ass at a gathering couple months back? Well my mother invited me to those family friend's home this week (uh, quarantine. hello?). She texted. I texted back Can I call? and I told her straight up why I didn't want to go.

She was not phased. Not one bit.

It wasn't news.

The phone call went on to other topics but toward the end I brought the reason for the call back.

"So I told you what happened and you don't seem to be surprised. Did you know or is this a known quantity?"

"Known quantity. He even creeps me out sometimes and I try to sit away from him when I can," she told me matter-of-factly.

I told her things might get more serious if it happens again because the hubbo told me to tell him so he can say something and encouraged me to say something at the moment if I can.

Instead of going to their house we planned at day at my mother's. Totally against quarantine. I know. She and the hubster agree that "checking in on family" suits the rules and I go along with it when my anxiety doesn't run me into the ground (I used to be unable to leave the house for fear of being pulled over and questioned about my grocery list during this stay at home order).

Honestly, I have more to say about that but I feel ashamed. The words compromise and contradiction run hot in my mind...

These tumultuous and confusing times. But I guess someone at every time has uttered such words?

-Sigh-

Impending Lease Renewal

Okay, so here's the scoop. Either I haven't shared or I shared and forgot but our lease is coming due this summer and we're planning a move. The thing is we haven't quite decided where. We live in Western Washington and while it's home we have some major complaints like traffic, expense, and weather. We do have my side of the family in the area, which regular-ish readers will know is a lot of cons with some pros.

A few years back we were talking about moving and where we would live if we could live anywhere in the states. Apparently I mentioned Utah because I figured it was somewhere that wasn't too southern or eastern or western but had more sun and all the modern necessities we need (including ECT). The idea took hold and the hubby started researching. Places with more sun, places with less traffic, violence, and expense. We even took a trip to Salt Lake City to see if things appealed to us-they did.

I was shocked that I loved the mountains there.... so different from the big green tree-y mountains here. The dry heat wasn't sapping my life force, it was invigorating. For once in my life I could imagine a life without mold and moss (don't get me wrong I still have large portions of my heart dedicated to ferns and slugs and snails).

So life happened and we stayed where we were. For then. Now it's coming up again especially since the hubster has a mostly remote job.

It's AGONY not knowing what's going to happen. Here or there? There are some days just full of anxiety and worries and there are days when I seem to be fine and then I'll be struck by a sense of foreboding, be stunned by the strength of a random spring of anxiety and then realize it's all about the move and not knowing.

So we are in limbo at the moment. Lots of talks, lots of thoughts, lots of anxiously waiting for life's path to reveal itself.

Let's see what happens with this week's Words for Wednesday!

1.  Faultless                                         7.  Literally

2.  Anticipation                                   8.  Privilege

3.  Quota                                             9.  Perpetual

4.  Development                               10.  Refresh

5.  Sculpture                                     11.  Platform

6.  Transform                                   12.  Ply

The platform was 25 feet above the water, just the height necessary for her to transform her body into the faultless, perpetual sculpture that was Olympic diving. It had been her privilege to dive for team USA in two Olympics. Her development not happening literally overnight but a refreshing escapade for her coaches that rejuvenated their faith in the sport and the "natural" athlete. The anticipation was great of course, standing on the platform. If she met her quota there would be theatrics and a wonderful celebration that night. Friends and family trying to ply her with foods she couldn't eat for fear or her art's deceleration. She would leap. She would twirl. She would spin and roll and then crash magnificently into the water like a sea creature herself.

Well that went in a new direction! I don't know much about diving but that was fun. I hope y'all enjoy and get to do some Words for Wednesday yourselves.

In other news, I'll have a post tomorrow about moving and the Utah thing. I think I might've left some stuff out over the last couple slow years on ye olde blog! Thank you for understanding.

Be well and Happy Wednesday :o)

It's Tuesday... right?

Another one of those quarantine weeks where the time of day and day of the week seem to be slicked with oil and tough to catch hold of. It's only Tuesday but ya could've fooled me!

The interview last week went super fast. I think my answers were not quite fleshed out (where does that expression even come from BTW) like a mature teacher's would have been. Either way though, I didn't get overly upset about it all and it hasn't been bothering me. I don't expect a call back and that's okay. The more I think about teaching full time the more I think subbing or another-calmer-job might be better for me.

That said, we are still considering Utah for a relocation. It was odd the other day-the hubby said that it seemed like I had flipped and was suddenly "on the other side, rooting for Washington." I told him, "Well, I'm not the most emotionally stable person in the world. I'm not quite sure how I feel, but I'm not anti-Utah." It's true, I'm not anti-anything and it's also true that I'm not the most emotionally stable person. I can rationalize all I want and sometimes my mind still enters an indecipherable tumult. I think I was feeling so much I got tapped out and now I'm not feeling much either way!

One thing is I've had some good interactions with my family lately and it is making me think twice about packing up and leaving the state. Of course, I am also still quite stressed by my family and can see the benefits of leaving the state. I remember when  my sister moved across country for a few months-I was feelin' great! I'm not sure there is a right or wrong answer either way.

So deliberations have been quite intense and we've made pros and cons chart and talked a lot about things. It seems like we won't know until we see Utah again and we're planning a reconnaissance mission to visit before our lease is up.


In other news, BB and I seem to be in an odd phase. He's been getting really ticked off/sad when I get frustrated telling him what to do and he doesn't do it. For instance, "Get your shoes on, please" escalates to a terse "GET YOUR SHOES ON" and he gets angry and sad and upset saying "I don't want you to be mad with me." Things spiral. I tell him to get his shoes on and I won't be angry but somehow I'm supposed to prove that I'm not angry before he will do that-? So it seems? I'm confused.

Parenting.

The hubbo seems to have a better go of it because he's more chill. "Get your shoes on, Buddy It's time to get your shoes on. Shoes on please." Whereas I get fed up and impatient more quickly. That said, whoa doggies you don't wanna be in his path when the hubster loses  his cool! It doesn't help that he's 6'3" and built like a silverback lumberjack. When he gets terse it's just more shocking because of his build. I think that makes sense. He's scary but not cuz he's trying to be... yeah, that's what I mean. I think.

Anyways. That's all for now. I shall try to do Words for Wednesday tomorrow. The hubs and I are off for a walk trying to dodge some rain showers!

May is BPD Awareness Month

I found this image on FB and really appreciated it as a frank portrayal of that which I live. It shows the reality including the worst of the worst and some of the best treatments and a little equation for hope at the bottom.

Yes, it's simplistic and I think people could get some other symptoms confused with BPD (likek bipolar or depression or OCD) but it's an introduction to a disease that many know very little about and fear. Makes me want to make my own chart with all the different diagnoses and how they present for me! 

To everyone out there with BPD and those caregivers and family and friends that live beside them I send my love and hope and gratitude for sharing in the challenge and often times battles.

Much Love :o)

Monster Mandarin

At the moment I'm chompin' on some big ole slices of a monster mandarin. One of the little orange fruits I can usually wrap my hand around was replaced by a behemoth this week in our ugly produce box-a beast the size of my fist. We like the boxes. You pick what you'd like and sometimes they had some new stuff and surprise ya. We do struggle to use up the produce sometimes but overall it makes us eat more fruits and veggies.

As for BB, fruits and veggies are still a bit of a struggle. We recently bought a book on "selective eaters" and expanding diets so we'll be trying some new tactics. One of said tactics is not reacting to refusal behaviors which will save me a lot of grief. BB will chew and spit out a lot of foods lately, sometimes because of a texture variation and other times simply taste. It's quite upsetting the hubster especially can blow up at him. Cutting out that drama will be nice.

In other news, I'm doing another interview this afternoon. This time the interview is for a junior high down in UT. I'm not very nervous as I'm more concerned with getting it over and done with. I felt good after the last one so I'm assuming I'll feel good after this one or just not care (as my mood seems to be inclined toward). Why? Because I've been stressing so much about getting a full-time role it's making me freak out about whether or not I can teach my own class at all. So the hubster and I took of the pressure and decided we'll assume I'll be subbing or getting some other employment. No pressure on the FTE. 

Conflicted feelings but glad for the abated anxiety. 

Mwaha! I have finished the mega mandarin!

Wellness to all and gratitude :o)