First Appointment

 Had my first appointment with my new, Utah psychiatrist today. It went well, but I definitely feel... sad. My last provider just seemed to care in a way that this man doesn't. It was very functional and effective I suppose-just not the satisfying feeling of being taken care of.

We've decided to go up on the Seroquel and try to back off on the Lunesta. Everything else is staying the same even though I got another "Whoa, that's a lotta Ativan!" moment. Apparently .5 mg is a more regular dose than my 2 mg. I know they say it's high but I can't imagine lower considering it doesn't make me sleepy or anything... Anyways.

Nothing out of my comfort zone. He did mention light therapy for the winter times since I have a pattern of dips then. I always associate it with my family and stress but light makes sense too. He also wants to see me back in therapy, at least for the intrusive self-harming thoughts. He's not sure that it is quite Harm OCD but if it's distressing or frequent it seems like he supports treatment.

Like I said, it didn't feel too personal. 

In other news, this weekend was filled with grief for Chadwick Boseman. I'm not sure why I was so struck down but Saturday was filled with mourning. I think that how he struggled in silence struck me and especially since he was such a good guy. Colon cancer runs on my mother's side so it struck home too. So I've been a bit emotional.

School has about the same amount of anxiety as I have had so that's... good? Good-ish? I get some heaviness in my chest and stomach knots but I think I'm looking forward to class overall. There are some technical things that are worrying me (like teaching kids to make an electronic hall pass when I have no idea how they are supposed to make an electronic hall pass or using my electronic gradebook for the first time). Overall I'm enjoying myself yet I feel like a total impostor and that it's just a matter of time until all is revealed! It makes things feel better though, living like I'm only here for a year. Everyone seems to assume I'm on the team for good but I don't feel that way. At least not yet. I'm still trying things out.

BB is enjoying kindergarten. Our neighbors said that we should get Mrs. Bond and we happened to get her as his teacher! She seems delightful and very on top of things. He's got his first homework packet now so we're going to be working more diligently with him than we have been.

The First Days

 My first couple days of work have been... meh. Which is exactly what the hubster told me to aim for. Haven't set my expectations too high and have been cutting myself some slack. I still feel like I haven't engaged the kids very much but I reassure myself that the first week of school is always a little odd and not quite structured.

So I'm not in agony and I'm not loving it. I had some pretty bad anxiety the night of my first day-which seemed odd since I had the next day off. But I was shaking so bad I thought we were having a tremor! I was in bed under my weighted blanket, trying to doze but really just sitting there ruminating and it all got to be so much I was quaking. 

Another big set of spaces and awkward pauses before typing... I'm not sure what to share because it feels so uneventful. Some kids chatting. Phone use issues. Kids turning in work and then kids not even starting. School stuff. I feel the most pressure around some upcoming assessments. My "mentor" (she always says it with quotes around the word) says not to worry much and that we all know that a lot of kids won't be at level. 

Tomorrow is BB's first day of kindergarten. He's part-time, going in the AM and then to daycare for lunch and the afternoon. The hubs has printed off a "First Day of Kindergarten" paper and mounted it to cardboard so I'll try to share that photo!

For now, it's off to pick up BB after I try to salvage a broken nail. I really wasn't typing that hard, I swear...

Still Chippin' Away

 I've been tired and clenching my jaw nearly continuously. I have bits of me that are trying to revive my DBT training and the efforts to remain nonjudgmental and accepting. Most of me is wrapped up in.... I want to say ague for some reason, which is weird cuz that is not a usual word! I don't know. Wrapped up in stress and fear and rumination. 

But this cheered me today...

The Latest Kate always seems to perk me up, even when I catch a repeat! There are some really cute things that she has made and even beautiful things as well. Well, I suppose those intersect at points as well.

So. Monday is when school starts. I've worked my 3 days this week but I'm not sure if I'll go in tomorrow or not. I have to find some paper towels so the kids can disinfect their desks pronto and we're leaving town tomorrow afternoon after BB's kindergarten pre-assessment... feeling discombobulated, hang on here. Right. Tomorrow! The hubs has booked us a hotel in Moab for Friday and Saturday. Despite my misgivings he insists that we get away one last time before school starts. Part of me agrees and part is terrified of missing last chances at getting ready... but what more can I do? Except worry. 

I'm not sure... there is always more to plan but I've been so spent my non-work days have been Netflix binges and naps all the way. I think rest is more important even as scary as letting go feels... I will try to find some balance.

Well wishes and fond thoughts :o)

Hard at Work and Hardly Working

 Ya know that quip, "Hard at work? Or hardly working?" That reminds me of my week. 

I've been going into the office (school) and it's been exhausting. Some days are 7:00 AM - 3:00 PM and even if I'm not that early it's still exhausting! We had a training that started at 8:30 AM (so I was there at 8:00 AM) and that was still gutting.

All that and I've had spats of productivity offset with complete paralysis. They switched one of my ELA 12 classes to a Mythology class, which is kind of cool but I have NOTHING prepared for it. At least I get a textbook for this one.... all the teachers say "it will teach itself" but that old book don't poop out magical PowerPoints and quizzes. Unfortunately.

I'm spent.

I'm sure you can tell by the way I'm writing haha

So here I am. Still terrified and mildly excited... mostly terrified. It seems ridiculous that they have entrusted me with so much. Don't they know how little I know!? And I'm just talking about curriculum and tech, never mind how long ago I got my degree and what kind of teaching I can do. It's madness. They'll throw a wet rug up there and see how it goes at this rate.

Okay, that was a little harsh. I apologize to wet rugs everywhere.

I enjoyed some weeding yesterday and hanging out with a neighbor afterward. Today I managed to do the dishes but we're getting takeout yet again. The hubs and I are both done under with work. It's weird!

Throwing me off... and yet maybe this is the beginning of a new dance, not really a "throwing me off" but a "throwing me into" something.

I feel loopy. I'm going to go do something and wait for the Chinese food to arrive! 

Best wishes and caring thoughts :o)

Words for Wednesday

I haven't felt very inspired to write for a while now and while I'm still not rarin' to go, I wanted to give it a shot this week as a coping device. It's important to distract myself from the anxiety and mental anguish so I figured whatever the prompt I would do it! No cherry picking!

So this week's prompt is....

This week's prompts are: 
1. 'If you feel like screaming, be my guest'
2. 'There is something different about you'

Let's see where this goes...

"There is something different about you," he said while flipping the home fries on the large griddle built into the stove top. It was a feature we had never seen on a stove until moving into this rental. "You have to remember that you are not wired right; that your brain lies to you. And let's admit it, you tend have unrealistically high expectations on top of that. So not a good combo." 

"But I'm really starting to believe that this all was a horrible idea. I'm already backsliding into flashes and school hasn't even started." I felt whiny but didn't care much. Part of me wanted to make things out even worse than they were but I couldn't do it. 

"Well, honestly, I didn't expect anything less. One of the worst parts of your anxiety is the anticipation. Once you're actually doing the thing you tend to do better. At least then you can go into survival mode at the very least." 

I wasn't sure my survival mode was strong enough in this upcoming situation. Images of a full classroom and me standing at the head of the room with nothing teach came flooding into my mind. It had been weeks of standing blankly in front of the computer with a bad case of teacher's writer's block surrounding the creation of lesson plans.Tears were sprouting. What is I never got that groove back? What if my lesson planning would always been worse than pulling teeth?

"I haven't been able to do ANYTHING." I was muttering now. Wetly muttering as my tears and saliva increased exponentially toward slobbering sobs. "When I'm trying to make a lesson I just want to scream."

"Well, you can scream if you want to."

I didn't want to scream. Well, not the therapeutic angry scream that he had in mind. I wanted to heart wrenching scream of misery and pain and fear that makes you think a wild animal is dying somewhere. 

I wanted to retreat into a hole a die. But I didn't want to die. I just wanted the pain and fear to stop. All I had been able to do to abate it had been distraction. Doing my cross stitch or watching my favorite sitcom. While that helped with the mental anguish, it also tortured me with the knowledge of wasted time. I felt trapped.

More tears and I slumped away toward my "hole" or the closest thing to it-the space between the wall and my bed. It was cooled by an air conditioning vent and quiet and close. For now I would cry. Cry and breath and try to hope. 

*Heavy sigh* 

These tend to turn our therapeutic for me. It's good but I feel a little self conscious because I feel like I make mountains out of mole hills but that's pretty much how yesterday went. Except the hubs wasn't so nonchalant. He was definitely more concerned and supportive than I illustrated here!

Anyways. I'm off to another teacher training. Today I armed myself with some caffeine so hopefully my focus!

Increasing Symptoms

Yesterday we went out to the Uinta mountains for a hike. It was a little stressful because the trail head that the husband chose was closed due to fire fighters using it as a base camp. There was a wildfire not too far away. We decided to keep driving another 20 minutes (it had already been over an hour) and followed a crowd to a Crystal Lake trail head. 

The hike helped me with my rumination and bad thoughts for a bit. On the way home I was almost in tears again though and the hubby checked in with me about what skills I was using. We decided that counting colors would help the most and it did. The thoughts of a gun to my head or jumping out of the car calmed down.

Still, it's not a good sign. As my anxiety becomes more prolonged it wears on much more and those ruminations and flashes flare up. I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist at the end of the month so I'm going to really try and focus on making it to that appointment. 

I'm terrified of starting the school year.

So terrified that I reached out to my sister (a teacher) and it was actually really validating. I'm pretty cautious about bringing her into my life in anyway especially something so personal as my first year teacher struggles. That said, I don't have anyone else like her to talk to. And I think it's wise to ask for help.

So, I'm struggling a little bit. Which was to be expected but now that every training and meeting makes me feel less like a teacher and more like an imposter I feel a dark cloud gathering.

Wishing everyone beautiful weather and peaceful days...