Words for Wednesday

I haven't felt very inspired to write for a while now and while I'm still not rarin' to go, I wanted to give it a shot this week as a coping device. It's important to distract myself from the anxiety and mental anguish so I figured whatever the prompt I would do it! No cherry picking!

So this week's prompt is....

This week's prompts are: 
1. 'If you feel like screaming, be my guest'
2. 'There is something different about you'

Let's see where this goes...

"There is something different about you," he said while flipping the home fries on the large griddle built into the stove top. It was a feature we had never seen on a stove until moving into this rental. "You have to remember that you are not wired right; that your brain lies to you. And let's admit it, you tend have unrealistically high expectations on top of that. So not a good combo." 

"But I'm really starting to believe that this all was a horrible idea. I'm already backsliding into flashes and school hasn't even started." I felt whiny but didn't care much. Part of me wanted to make things out even worse than they were but I couldn't do it. 

"Well, honestly, I didn't expect anything less. One of the worst parts of your anxiety is the anticipation. Once you're actually doing the thing you tend to do better. At least then you can go into survival mode at the very least." 

I wasn't sure my survival mode was strong enough in this upcoming situation. Images of a full classroom and me standing at the head of the room with nothing teach came flooding into my mind. It had been weeks of standing blankly in front of the computer with a bad case of teacher's writer's block surrounding the creation of lesson plans.Tears were sprouting. What is I never got that groove back? What if my lesson planning would always been worse than pulling teeth?

"I haven't been able to do ANYTHING." I was muttering now. Wetly muttering as my tears and saliva increased exponentially toward slobbering sobs. "When I'm trying to make a lesson I just want to scream."

"Well, you can scream if you want to."

I didn't want to scream. Well, not the therapeutic angry scream that he had in mind. I wanted to heart wrenching scream of misery and pain and fear that makes you think a wild animal is dying somewhere. 

I wanted to retreat into a hole a die. But I didn't want to die. I just wanted the pain and fear to stop. All I had been able to do to abate it had been distraction. Doing my cross stitch or watching my favorite sitcom. While that helped with the mental anguish, it also tortured me with the knowledge of wasted time. I felt trapped.

More tears and I slumped away toward my "hole" or the closest thing to it-the space between the wall and my bed. It was cooled by an air conditioning vent and quiet and close. For now I would cry. Cry and breath and try to hope. 

*Heavy sigh* 

These tend to turn our therapeutic for me. It's good but I feel a little self conscious because I feel like I make mountains out of mole hills but that's pretty much how yesterday went. Except the hubs wasn't so nonchalant. He was definitely more concerned and supportive than I illustrated here!

Anyways. I'm off to another teacher training. Today I armed myself with some caffeine so hopefully my focus!