Of course there's something going on...

This has been sitting my drafts for a few weeks. I'm just going to post it!

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Of course there's something going on with my family and, of course, it involves my sister. Unfortunately, it also involves her kids.

Lately my sister has taken to withholding the grandchildren from my parents. Why? Because they don't approve of the verbal abuse heaped upon the kids-mainly the oldest (the one from the college fling) while the younger of the boys doesn't seem to be degraded and disciplined as harshly (this one from the marriage with a different father). There is also another young one, a little girl less than 2, but she does not seem to be afflicted yet.

*NOTE* my parents don't use the term verbal abuse when talking about this, I do. 

My parents stood by for years and let my sister parent as she would and choose a husband that was verbally abusive to my oldest nephew from before they were married-when this child was only 2 or 3. He is known for taking him away and yelling fiercely into his face with insults and reprimands usually resulting in tears and flinches. 

He is NOT always the worst-in fact, he's a great guy when he's not overcome by his anger issues and emulating his father's parenting style. It is so sad how he criticizes his family for how he was raised, but doesn't seem to see the same mistakes repeating themselves in his parenting choices.

Well, a few months back things came to a head with my parents and my sister and her husband. My sister and her husband are known for FaceTimes and phone calls to my parents where they scream and complain-my mother handles it quite well and calmly I've been told (my brother witnessed one of the calls). She's born the brunt of the rage while my father only recently became directly involved after saying something in defense of my mother to my sister/brother-in-law. Now they're both in the ring.

It's sickening. I don't see children as currency and I don't see how it makes sense to withhold the kids from people that want them to be treated better. My sister takes the feedback quite personally (I can understand) and cannot stand to see the parents when the conflict escalates. Her husband is also quite torn up and I believe they both seek approval from my parents (which I believe makes everything worse but makes sense to me as well-I think if they didn't have seeds of doubt and seek approval they wouldn't be so bowled over my criticism). 

I don't know how it will resolve. My mother predicts that the oldest nephew will choose to live with his biological father at some point. He already tried to run away a couple years ago, but they got my mother on the phone with him to talk him down. I don't see the kids very often, though I've witnessed the issues at hand, but my mom is seeing changes-negative changes-in their behavior and psychological wellbeing. 

My sister has yet to ask my opinion. She's only ever asked if I've been told by our parents that that my "parenting is bad." I was honest, that I've received some feedback about not being involved enough, but I take it as feedback and I can see some truth in it even, but that's it. I think she knows that I don't approve of her parenting choices and I don't think she wants our parents' observations to be corroborated. 

Her defenses have included a statement like, "[husband] had it so much worse," which to me is an admission of guilt. She's told my parents that they're raising leaders and are strict with their kids, but there is a line there that we believe has been crossed. Strict doesn't have to be denigrating and abusive. Strict doesn't have to be yelling and insults.

It makes me sad. Emotional abuse doesn't leave visible marks and our society just doesn't have a way to intervene right now. I know what goes around will come around, but it's not about them getting their comeuppance-it's about those kids' futures.

All the while, and I know this might be selfish, I'm so glad to be these hundreds of miles away. It's hard enough to remain neutral and support my sister and my mother as best I can (my mom has emphasized many times she wants me to be there for my sister while she can't). 

Work

So tired. So, so tired. 

The training is taking place about 70 minutes away and I have to leave by 5:30 am each day to ensure I'm not late so I wake up at 5:00 am to be there before the 7:00 am start time. It's supposed to wrap up September 30th and we move back to the main location a town or two more south.

You may know already, I struggle to fall asleep in a timely manner. Thursday night I was so tired I laid down at 8:00 pm to try and be asleep by 9:00 pm but that didn't happen and Friday I was nodding off and sitting with my eyes closed most of the day. I hate to be that person, but coming from so far away is tough.

There are people that travel even farther distances than I do-we were told that the position was telework after training but have been since told that it might take up to six months after certification to earn that privilege and that they actually prefer newbies to be in-office for the first year. Turns out it was a little bait-and-switch, just like the training being only 45 minutes away initially...

That said, I'm enjoying the people and being there and having something to do and bringing in some money. Haven't quite been paid yet, but it's definitely a motivator. They haven't scared me off even though I feel like I can't trust anything they say and that most of the time I'm getting different answers from different people. I guess working as a teacher has my expectations calibrated a little lower than usual. 

I don't have any other prospects at the moment, so I want to keep going. It sure does suck up the gas and time though. I am wondering if my tendency to people please is driving my desire to continue as well as the money and moderate interest in the work itself. I'm sure it's a combination. 

I've made some friends and one that seems special. We share lunch most days and have started bonding I think. Makes it easier when I have compatriots in the same boat.

Been listening to the Handsome podcast and thoroughly enjoying myself. Laughing out loud while driving does make me a little self-conscious (I wonder what others' might think). It's a little raunchy at times, but three comedians swapping bits and jabs and stories is apparently just what I need on a longish commute.

The hubs is skeptical. When they moved the training twentyish minutes north he was miffed. The commute does affect our family's schedule and puts a lot of pressure on the hubster to keep things up on the front alone. That said, when/if I get to work from home it would be a benefit. 

Just trudging along and waiting and seeing at this point... 

Baby Bananaface Update

Well, he ain't no baby no more! We're talking about a 9 year old, folks. He's got his own sass and style and already hates homework and wants a job so he can "do something useful" and make money. We have him in an accelerated learning program in school and he's doing enrichment work outside of school to stay on top of math and reading skills. He's a whiz, but he doesn't always feel that way. He loves LEGO, Pokémon, and goofy TV shows. 

He's also got some struggles and we're trying to learn more about how he's wired, so he's going to have an assessment for autism and anxiety in September. He's already been diagnosed with ADHD and has meds and accommodations at school for that. I've heard from some that "we're all atypical somehow" and that diagnoses don't matter, but for us it seems like it might help better understand and assist BB in learning life skills. 

We realize that he's a borderline case. Perhaps subclinical. That said, autism keeps coming up in conversations around BB. Whether it was work friends, caregivers, near-strangers, family, or just the hubs and myself-it keeps on coming up. So we're addressing it. Hell, maybe it's anxiety or just ADHD being more extreme than we think, but we hope to find out for sure. 

The meltdowns and gut issues, some issues with social cues and struggles with transitions are some of the red flags for us. Some of those can also be related to ADHD, including his hyperfocus (good and bad sometimes). 

So. That's where we're at. Just considering another diagnosis for BB has made me even more patient and helped me be more understanding. It's tough to stick to routines (it made up a huge chunk of my extended visit to WA state this year), but it's worth it. I'm reading about autism and learning already. I think it's helped me parent BB better regardless of what the doc says.

Side note/separate update: BB is having the time of his life with our two cats. I'm so glad we brought them into the family and enjoy them myself, but they are the hubs's and BB's cats for sure. The black and white bonded to Hubster from the get-go, and the silver is BB's soul mate.