Skeletons

No, not the Halloween kind! This week I dug up an old family skeleton, as in family secret.

Earlier this year I learned how to look up case records on the state website but for whatever reason I didn't research my cousin's case (the one that disappeared for nearly a decade without anyone telling me why). Well this week I did that and even more!

After finding the case number on the website I looked up the phone number and address for the county clerks' office. It took me a couple days to get up the courage to call, even though the hubby assured me that court clerks are the nicest and best clerks, which they were when I finally called. I found out that I didn't have to order copies, I could go in to one of two locations and look at the files on their computers for free.

Well that's what I did Tuesday afternoon! The hubster and I planned it out so that I would catch the 1:01 pm bus south and he would meet me at the Seattle office after work.

I have to say, I almost always enjoy riding public buses, even with the odd smells. The leaves were delightful shades and I had lovely cup of coffee to sip on the way down from one of our local cafes. I enjoyed people watching and it felt nice being part of a pack. The bus driver was nice too (even if she talked to herself a little) and I was able to get off the bus within a block of the court building. It did take me a few minutes and a few unnecessary trips across cross walks before I figured out where I was going, but once I got in the building it was pretty dang easy to navigate my way to the clerks office.

All this cheerful build-up is pretty out of place when I consider the details of my cousin's case. Somehow, even with this disgusting nature of his crime I had a good day (he was convicted of child rape and attempted possession of child pornography-how the 'attempted' part works I'm not really sure, to me you either have it or you don't).

I already knew that he had gone away for some sort of child molestation, I just didn't know the details. I'm glad I found out for myself because I'm not sure I would have ever gotten the story from my family or even felt comfortable talking about it. It certainly didn't bring everything to a magical conclusion in my mind though, not nearly.

Reviewing the materials and seeing the dates made me think back through the years when I was around my cousin and after he disappeared, and then all the years my family lied and to the more recent months where I've heard about my cousin or seen him. It's so hard for me to hold in my mind, trying to reconcile familial love with morality.

My husband never wants to see him, never wants him near our future children, and sees no reason to have him in our lives, period. I can understand that point of view I just have guilt pangs. It's not really a feeling of commitment to my cousin, I don't really know him. It's a commitment and guilt factor from my aunt and mom.

Nowadays my mom is somewhat estranged from my Aunt S and cousin M but back when all this drama was fresh she was involved. She was on the court records as a defense witness with my cousin and she revealed that she had lied about a Vegas or Reno trip when I was younger because it was a trip with Aunt S to go visit my cousin after he was transferred to a jail out of state. I suppose I'm still susceptible to these kind of subliminal messages from my family instead of thinking like an independent adult, because those actions and behaviors have sent the message that family trumps rapist but it just doesn't feel right.

I tried to mull over different hypotheticals, as if one of my siblings or aunts or uncles had committed such a crime, but it's inconceivable. I believe in forgiveness and unconditional love but I also can't ignore the question of safety and reasonable judgement.

I'm not really sure where this leaves me but it was somewhat helpful and grounding getting some cold, hard facts and perspective. It's amazing to learn about something after the fact that affected my life over a decade ago. It's like reading a history book about myself with details I never noticed at the time. It's not exactly pretty but it really gives some depth to my family relations and some of the tension I sensed as a child but could not understand. I can only imagine the other dramas that flew over my head!

All in all I find myself with more questions than answers after my fact-finding journey. Was Mom that close to her nephew or did she go on those jail visits through obligation to her sister? What did Mom and Dad think about my cousin committing that type of crime and having been around me and my brother and sister? Why weren't me and my siblings debriefed when that cousin was released from prison?

When I was younger, I didn't feel comfortable around this cousin and now that I've reviewed the case record for myself I believe my juvenile gut reaction was spot on. My aunt may not agree, but my husband and I think my cousin is guilty and that will certainly affect the family dynamic. Unfortunately it seems like there has been a "choosing of sides" on this matter but hopefully a new norm will settle upon us soon.

And for the record, I have decided I will not be a mediator between my aunt and my mother. If they want to start talking/seeing each other again, it's on them. And I will not become some family mediator with this cousin drama either. I did my own research, I'm coming to my own conclusions, and I will make my own decisions and whatever path that takes me toward, here I come.

Jeesh. The whole thing leaves me feeling dirty!

In other news, Fio is doing somewhat better with his allergies but still itchy. Plans are in the works for our anniversary and I'm getting excited for the holidays. Ornament season has officially begun but is still picking up speed (no 2:00 am nights just yet). I've been trying to get back on top of my supplements and vitamins, but haven't had much luck. Tomorrow is a new day! On a similar note, I've been getting the jogging urge again, but it will be a long road back to where I was, that's for certain.

Little Steps

It caused me some anxiety but I was able to call two numbers I've been meaning to call for weeks now.

I followed up about doula certification evaluation forms and I made an appointment for a doctor's visit.

Lots of deep breathing and a Xanax later I'm glad I made the calls even though it certainly rattled me!

Little steps in the right direction, I do think.