This evening I dozed on the couch (ya know it's a good hard nap when you awake slurping drool in a panic) but when I moved to the bed and picked up my Kindle I found the sleepiness had drifted away.
Reading the free download "nothing" book has been a comforting refuge this week and tonight I came across a surprisingly touching segment.
Part of the plot involves a woman running a boarding house and a new lodger arrived looking ill. It was soon revealed that he wasn't suffering from a contagious disease but rather depression. Days later she finds him singing to a small audience in the parlor and remarks that she is glad he is feeling better. His response was something along the lines of, "If only I could find a way to keep hold of the good feelings."
If only I could find a way to keep hold of the good feelings.
I feel that wistfulness and melancholy now. My spirit is downtrodden after several days of feeling down and meaningless. My hope and faith have been taxed, not quite strong enough to endure the challenges of my fluctuating mood.
To complicate things the hubster has been having his own bad days. He's not quite able to comfort me just as I'm not quite in a good place to comfort him. Today was rough. Bitter. My patience too short and our personal banks overrun with individual angst.
He did make a good point about forgiving myself. Being okay with not being okay and giving myself a break. It's a tall order but a good point. I tried some affirmations and they helped relieve some pressure and anxiety, but it will take many more to lift the haze.
I had been looking forward to this weekend, including a baby shower, holiday party, and the Seahawks playoff against the "Forty-Whiners" but now it seems daunting. Hopefully the time alone driving will help me recenter myself (I'm headed south tomorrow and driving back north the next day). Sometimes it's easier to be kind when no one else is watching.
Last week the hubby expressed his concerns about the schedule of this weekend being too much for me. Something along the lines of "asking for trouble" and triggering anxiety. I argued that being such a hermit I need to take all the chances for socialization possible but now that I'm here I'm less confident.
We will just have to see what happens.
Last night I forced myself to stay in bed despite being unable to sleep. I alternately tossed and turned or read from my Kindle until about 3:00 am. Tonight I'm saying "screw it," hitting the couch and watching my girls. Sometimes it's better NOT to be left to my own devices, namely my corrosive thoughts.
So here goes nothing! Hope I don't feed the dark beast and trigger a massive backslide by letting down my guard with my late night Golden Girls binge! But maybe being a little bad and cutting myself a little slack will help bring back the good?
Then I just have to figure out how to hold onto those good feelings...
