Motherhood

Deciding when to have kids is a complex choice. That decision is further complicated when you are living with a mental illness and further complicated again when you're broadsided a biological clock type hormonal hurricane.

The hubster and I have known that we want kids for as long as we can remember. While I went through a period in my teens/early twenties when I thought that I would be a crazy cat-lady spinster, deep down I have always held close my desire to be a mother. Part of our commitment to each other and of our marriage is becoming parents and making a family together. While we were dating, we weren't just looking for husband or wife material, we were looking for co-parent material.

Of course, when we met we had no idea what the future would hold for us and had no idea what my illness would put us through. During my lowest points and ongoing recovery, my husband has been the holder of our dreams. Not putting any pressure on me and my recovery, but protecting our shared goals and keeping his eyes on the prize. His dedication to our parenthood goals has given me a new perspective of "keeping the faith."

There have been moments, during the lowest times, when I contemplated permanent birth control. Abandoning my dreams of motherhood because of my illness, afraid of what my sickness could mean for potential children. It felt like a suicide of sorts. The hubby recalls those times and remembers knowing that I was irrational but also being saddened, hearing me talking about myself as if I were "subhuman."

The realities of my disease can be grim, but I must also remember that it is a manageable illness. Some diabetics struggle to accept the realities of their disease, attempt to live life as though they are "normal" and put themselves in the hospital with diabetic shock or ketoacidosis. This is just as true for me. I have been lulled into a false sense of security and let my disease degenerate into life threatening situations. That is something I can control. 

On-going stability is something I can manage and improve, but sudden episodes may always be a threat. All the preparation in the world cannot safeguard one against the unpredictable. Just like a diabetic may be caught off-guard without insulin or in a situation where they miss meals, I can be caught off-guard by unfortunate circumstance and launched into a crisis. That is a risk that I must live with, I must accept. It is a permanent specter, a haunting fear that I must heed but not allow control over my life. Living from fear will not protect me from that which frightens me. 

I cannot let fear affect my decision to have a family. Whether it is fear of my disease, failure, or simply fear of the unknown. It is physically, mentally, and emotionally impossible for me to cower and concede to fear. My brain tells me that it's reasonable, natural, hard-wired in me to want a family. My mind tells me that living from fear is wrong, that anything pursued with an open, honest, loving heart is a worthy pursuit. My physical being yearns for motherhood, contriving with my hormones and emotions a dastardly manipulative campaign, a siege on all my senses and sense!

So what does all this mean for me and my husband right now? 

Well, since November I have been off hormonal birth control. We are using alternate birth control and not actively trying to conceive, but parenthood has come up more and more. Being planners, the hubby and I have devised financial and health goals with various benchmarks related to our parenthood plans but have found ourselves confronted with emotional challenges. 

I recently confessed to my husband that as much as I understand and accept the reasonable plans and goals we've devised,  I cannot conclusively postpone my desires. My being continuously returns to motherhood. Any logical argument or fact cannot distract me from these emotions. Trying to hide this seemingly irrational compulsion has been quiet torture. The hubby was at a loss and did some Googling after a particularly tearful discussion and discovered a helpful article online. 

It wasn't completely relevant to us, but it made him realize that planning parenthood isn't as straightforward and clean cut as a business transaction. Trying to be responsible, smart, and cautious we neglected the heart of things. We shied away from the messy emotional stuff, the irrational and intangible. That sassy article gave him a new perspective and helped us broaden our conversation. It also opened our eyes to how complex the emotions of waiting to have kids can become.

Unfortunately, that opening affect also compromised an emotional dike I had built inside and I found myself going a little bonkers! Maybe hysterical is a better word than bonkers. I've found that accepting the feelings, reassuring myself that they will pass, and not trying to ignore them helps and thankfully the hubby is more understanding. We've also realized that intimacy is a little complicated by this. After a sobbing fit post-nookie a few days ago, I realized that when I'm craving conception the "just for fun" stuff becomes an emotional land mine.

We are surviving. Coping with my "baby crazy" is uncomfortable and complicated, but in light of our past emotional accomplishments and crisis management, we feel up to the challenge. I guess this is another example of how hormonal birth control affected me more than I thought, blunting the emotional and hormonal messages in my body it made "baby fever" more manageable! 

March Madness

I believe "March Madness" is a basketball reference, but that's not what I'm talking about here!

Yesterday was a grey, rainy Washington day and we had plans to go hike Lime Kiln. Instead, we slept in, had a slow morning that drizzled into a coffee scented lunch time and we came to a silent agreement that it would not be a hiking day. Ben & Jerry's "Cores" instead of a core workout-ha!

We watched "Burn Notice" on Netflix ALL DAY LONG. Taking turns on the computer and making meals, but for the most part, spent our entire Sunday on the couch.  I only put on pants for maybe 10 minutes around 9:30 PM to take the dog out for his last potty break. I didn't shower until after Fio's break (knowing that we wouldn't be able to sleep with my all-day pit stank). Not exactly a feat of endurance but by the end of the day we were hobbling.

We opted to stay home instead of a rainy hike and ended up achy! My lower back hurt so badly from slouching all day I had to have the hubby slather it in Bengay while I downed Ibuprofen as well as Tums for the heartburn that I developed that night. Sleeping was difficult since any position that helped relieve my back pain caused my heartburn to flare, so we opted for one more late night "Burn Notice" episode while my Ibuprofen and Tums kicked in. Ha.

Once we finally fell asleep it was a welcome, hard slumber only to be interrupted around 2:30 AM by a police response to another apartment in our unit. Four vehicles, oodles of loud conversations, door banging and eventually a tow truck with some really bright lights that made it look like a UFO was landing outside our window. Lovely. A little more disruptive than the manhunt around the back of our unit last week-but I digress.

The madness? I was happy. I was happy all day long. Not guilty or anxious; it felt like some mania (I had some grandiose weight loss plans that I realized were unreasonable and I realized my cheery mood was probably augmented) but it wasn't out of hand. I was able to focus on the hubster, the TV show, and not run around doing projects and making messes. So a touch of madness worked out. The hubster was feeling down and I was able to cater to him and listen while being lazy, calm, and content.

In other madness related news, we've had some rough times coping with my baby fever... I will blog about that separately, but it is ongoing. I was skeptical of "biological clocks" and while I don't believe every woman is set to detonate, I see that I'm armed with a ticking ovarian time bomb!

The pets are doing well. Fio got groomed last week, Millie hasn't puked for the past few days *knocksonwood* and while Iroh is maintaining his intense senior cat napping regimen, he is also reassuringly active and vocal.

Will blog again soon, I've been feeling pretty well but am cautious of a downer coming down 'pike. While I'm feeling "up" I will try to establish some good habits with the help of this extra energy and "go get 'em" but I can't let my expectations get away from me. Like the tortoise and the hare, I have to mind my long game and not let my guard down when things seem well in hand.

I will savor the good times, but with a dash of caution.