Wondering at the horizon...

Found out another gym mom is pregnant today. Her joy was so infectious. This red-faced, supremely scrunchy smile that I described as "Christmas and birthdays and everything all together!"

It was heart wrenching.

Not too long ago I was coping with pregnancy envy over my other friend and feeling like I'd found a good place, worked through it, and moved on. Now I feel pushed back again into this mire of sadness and shame.

We don't want more kids. We're happy. Yet I'm also sad. I'm also confused. I lost so many memories even though I'm fairly certain that I did my best to cherish every stage and step of the way into motherhood. We made the decision to sterilize together and I'm so relieved that I don't have to worry about risking the horrible fallout from my first pregnancy.

I still feel anger. Anger and grief and shame. My choice was about "can't" and "won't" and yet somedays that "can't" glares so much more intensely. I feel robbed. I feel like my illness took my choice away from me. I wonder if we hadn't gone through what we did if we would've had our second child.

In the end, I feel like it's part of a phase-a process. Today I started to appreciate that I'm hanging around with a bunch of baby-making-aged ladies and it's gonna be a part of the scenery! Guess I didn't think that it would be so upsetting, or that I would be exposed to all those sticky emotions that come with pregnancies-good and bad emotions!


I found an article that seemed to help a little bit. It's a different animal, this type of pregnancy envy. I can't relate exactly to all those struggling with infertility and not having any children and those articles seem to reign supreme.


Anyways. I'm kneeling on our hard dining room floor (I was trying to work with our printer) and these old bones need to move!

Love and hugs.

Happy Trails :o)

Sharing Again

It's been awhile. Okay, more like, "It's been a LONG time." However you want to put it, I'm sharing again today.

The encroaching holiday season has brought to mind all the people that matter to me on a personal level this year. Whether it's sharing friendship, a healing hand, or a meaningful moment I have a lot to be thankful for and today I had an opportunity to express my thanks at my local Starbucks.

This postcards might be exclusive to military family locations. The front side says "Honor. Duty. Service. Thank you." With such a spacious, blank back I couldn't imagine simply writing a short greeting so I drew a bird (as I love so much to do).

On this note, please let me know if you'd like a holiday card this year. I know that I have a few addresses on file and plan on sending out cards again.

Not sure if I'm going to continue writing regularly and I'm trying not to be hard on myself or judgmental about that either way things go. I do think it's a good practice for me and I am trying not to get too much "into my head" about returning after such a long absence!

Just to clarify, I have been doing pretty well and been busy with my gym routine and "gym fam," running around for play dates and parties with my gym friends and Baby Bananaface's friends. The hubs and I are doing great, looking to the future as I complete my Master's in Teaching this winter with my student teaching at the turn of the year. 

Speaking of, I have studying to return to and I'm going to put a bow on this impulse share.

Love and hugs :o)