Fall is Falling!

Fall is falling upon us and luckily it seems to have it's reservations like I do. Usually I'm head-over-heels about the fall seasonal shift, but this year I'm a little out of sorts. The chill in the night air seemed to descend rapidly, but the weather's temperature has been fluctuating back to upper seventies this week and has helped ease me into the idea of autumn.

I think my love of autumn is closely linked to the fact that I loved school. I loved organizing my school supplies and doing my first batches of homework and collecting syllabi. Over the years there was cold fall weather and warm fall weather, but in general school coincided with a shift in weather and I loved the dramatic inauguration of the fall season.

More and more fall seems to mean something other than first day jitters and brisk wind. The past few years I've felt my normal excitement tinged with dread for the dark winter season. My elation at the autumn shift usually carries through Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's but after the holidays the gloomy winter drags on and I become especially vulnerable to depressive relapses.

This year I feel more prepared for the dark months. My parents bought me a "happy light" and I have my membership at the Women's Wellness Center with access to massage and yoga to help carry me through. The fiance and I are even looking into my starting school again this winter quarter (more on that later).

Even with these positive changes I'm scared. It's one thing to be afraid of the dark or a certain part of town, but feeling a fear of yourself is so invasive and permeates every sense of reassurance-you don't know if you can rely on your self or your sanity. I find myself in some twisted game trying not to think about my worries too much and trying to be mindful enough to prevent a system failure!

Possibly the worst part of depression for me is trying to cope and accept myself wholly, including my depression.  Accepting the fact that I have tendencies and vulnerabilities toward a despicable and ugly disease, that I have some control but in many ways, no control over my depression.

For many years I denied my depression. Refused to accept a lifelong diagnosis and preferred to believe that something was "wrong" with me temporarily and that one day I would be "cured." In reality, I will always be a depressed person. Maybe not actively in relapse, but always carrying at the least my dormant depression.

It's a terrible thing. I feel like I've had to accept life with a hideous, inoperable tumor bulging on my back. But, for me at least, saying that "Yes I do have a giant, hideous tumor called depression and it's with me for life," helps me own my disease, helps me take responsibility, and helps me work with and past it as best I can.

We've all heard that depression is a manageable disease as long as it is addressed. I have no doubt that if I didn't address my depression I would die. No doubt. While it forces me to look into the darkest parts of myself and gives me a quivering fear of my body's downside, I'd rather look at my depression than try to ignore it and let it sneak up and choke me out.

Life is scary. And nothing is more scary than scary somethings in your very own backyard, home, or head.

So this fall is a mix-up of joy and fear, but I'll try to walk the balance beam of awareness and take one day at a time! It's also a big milestone for the fiance and me as we're nearing the 365-days til WEDDING mark and planning will kick into gear soon.

I'm excited to plan but also a little anxious for similar reasons to my fall anxiety! I've been on a prescribed wedding planning hiatus since it contributed to my most recent relapse and caused me so much stress (mostly at the thought of budgets).

Slowly but surely will be my mantra this winter ;o)