Oh How Time Flies

It's been a while since I last posted but that's not for lack of excitement!

The weekend after Valentine's Day the hubbo and I began our 500 mile+ trek to Klamath Falls for a much needed vacation. We dropped the pup off in Yelm with my folks on Sunday and started out early Monday morning. We made several pit stops on the way to our condo/resort/hotel thang so we spent about 12 hours getting from Yelm to Klamath Falls. Yeah-it was a long day.

 

It was snowy and beautiful and we had fun exploring lava beds, caves, and local historical sites. I still had a hard time relaxing.

My body constantly carries tension and several times a day I notice my shoulders tensing and raising toward my ears. I also struggled to relax mentally and struggled with angry outbursts and patience with the hubby. Thankfully we've gotten better at apologizing to one another but with my longstanding tendency toward withdrawal I still struggle to process my anger in healthy ways.

 All in all I would still call it a successful vacation, although not spectacular. I think much of my enjoyment was stifled by my mental/emotional struggles (oh, yes, they're still on-going) but I look back on our caving and road trips fondly!

 As I mentioned, I struggle to deal with anger effectively. In the past when I've tried to express myself while angry or frustrated I've been laughed at and ridiculed, teased, chastised, and shamed. Long story short, I didn't really learn how to be angry-I learned how to become flustered and embarrassed as well as increasingly emotionally withdrawn and pressurized. NOT GOOD.

 Now, I'm not all-in with Louise Hay's lovey-dovey mind-body connection that equates every physical illness with a mental or emotional cause, but it does make some sense to me and occasionally I utilize her techniques to feel better.

 So what's the connection?

 My angry issues + mind/body connection = very uncomfortable illness AKA I got a boil

 More specifically, as my doctor so gracefully described it, "a carbuncle of the buttocks."

 Seriously.

I feel launched into the Dark Ages talking about boils and carbuncles! Of course, it wasn't square in the middle of a cheek or anywhere easily accessible. This boil presented itself in that vague ass-genital-thigh area that is hard to define and hard NOT to agitate while walking. Thankfully it was about half-an-inch shy of my panty line but still easily agitated and not very easy to access for self care.

  My doctor's appointment was Wednesday morning and conveniently enough the painful lump showed up that morning!

By the next day it was tripled in size and extremely tender-not to mention I had blown through the carton of lavender epsom salts I had bought after the appointment the day before. The rest of the week I was homebound, hobbling, and taking epsom salt baths three or four times a day.


Finally the boil started to drain late Friday night and today it has drastically reduced size although I believe I'm in for some more gooey drainage action.

 OH. The anger connection? Yeah. Tuesday night, for what reason I can't exactly recall, I got in a spitting rage shortly after dinner. The hubster attempted to talk it out with me but I couldn't work things out.

All of a sudden I'd decided to throw out some trash, grab the keys and my ID 'n debit card and go to Fred Meyer's. $72 later I was home with flowers I'd bought for myself, chocolate milk on my breath, four bamboo plants, $10 worth of plant pebbles and rocks, frozen fruit, and beer and who knows what else, I don't recall. It was strange and I was still frustrated and angry.

From what I recall I felt unappreciated and lonely with my usual undercurrent of worthlessness and shame. My darling husband and I were able to talk out some anger last night though...

I struggled to express my frustration but eventually we came up with a good metaphor for how I feel about myself. I compared myself to a company. A company that was horribly despicable, had miserable affiliations and even though I was the CEO I had no drive to keep it in business! I felt like it was so morally bankrupt and shameful it should be tanked and purged from society. But I can't separate myself from this company. After all, this company is me.

No matter how much I despise it and find it hopelessly lost I can't be rid of it. All I want is a clean slate, a new beginning without the pain of my past-but as my husband lovingly put* "no one ever really gets a clean slate." We ended up talking about companies that worked under/with the Nazis and despite being affiliated with that horrendous past have become household names and widely accepted and lauded today.

So that's how I'm wrapping my head around my future. I hate myself but the show must go on. Somehow I have to find value in what I do, forgive myself the past, and allow myself to succeed.

I haven't given myself permission to live. I'm not sure how yet, but I feel like I'm getting somewhere-even if the Nazis are helping me out somehow.