I Can't Worry About You

I can't worry about you.

I can't worry about you when I have myself to worry about, fret over, and care for.

I can't worry about you when I live my own life.

I can't worry about you when it keeps interrupting my days and my nights.

I can't worry about you when it hurts me so much.

My mind races with concerns, feelings, and extrapolations. Fantasies and frets and "what if?s" that wreak havoc on my peace of mind and tighten my muscles into aching knots.

I can't worry about you. I have to worry about me.

I have to worry about treating myself kindly and taking care of my body, mind, and spirit.

That is important. I am important.

I will worry about me and you can worry about you.


A few nights ago while the hubster and I  were cuddled on the couch with Fio, Millie, and Iroh I had a moment of realization. I was anxious, my shoulders aching, creeping toward my ears as the tension increased in my body as my thoughts raced. I wasn't present. I wasn't enjoying the family moment. What should have been relaxing time at home became an arena for worthless fretting.

I looked around the room and scoffed. All the people and things I worried over weren't there. The brother, sister, mothers, fathers, cousins, uncles, aunts, friends, and strangers occupying my thoughts were no where to be seen. I came to realize that I worry and fret over people that are barely present in my life. Their major presence is in my mind. My jurisdiction, but it's out of control.

So much time and energy is wasted rehashing past events and worrying about future possibilities. Not only wasted but detracted from positive use. I have so many better things to do than worry about people I see every couple months or once a year! But as it stands now, I use half my waking hours fretting.

Well, I'm sick of it.

Sure, I don't want to hurt people's feelings and I want to be well liked and I want to nurture positive relationships and build supportive networks in my life, but fretting and driving myself into the ground will not achieve this.

I can't control what other people think, how they feel, or how they react and I certainly can't change anything simply by worrying about it. I've logged countless hours as a worrier, and I know it will not be an easy task dismantling my mind's bad habits but that is one of my goals from here on out.

I can't worry about you (family, friends, strangers), I have to worry about me.