Girls' Morning Out, Guys' Night Out, Girl's Night In

This morning I met my mom at Northgate Mall for a little shopping and hanging out time. It was somewhat last minute and impromptu but we had a good time. It had been quite a while since we had a mom and daughter visit just the two of us. I think that rather traumatic visit so many months ago when I was feeling depressed and she was trying to fix me set a bad example and caused some aversion, but I feel that receding now.

We went to Saffron for lunch and enjoyed many cups of hot chai. Mom tried tzatziki sauce for the first time and liked it. I enjoyed some chicken tandoori although a few bits of cilantro caught both of us by surprise and caused some grimaces. Some delightfully warm baklava was enjoyed as well :)

The original plan for this afternoon had involved the hubster bussing down to Northgate once my mom headed home from our visit and then my hubby and I would continue south to visit his best friend for dinner. The husband opted to avoid the convoluted bus system and have me drive back north to pick him up, but soon after I arrived home I managed to suss the truth from him that he and his buddy would like a guys' night. Having had my socializing needs fulfilled I reassured him that a guys' night out was a good idea and he hurried out the door to drive south.

So now I am home for my girl's night in! Doing laundry and letting Netflix drone on in the background while I toddle around the internet. While I feel a sting of shame for being "lazy" I'm also relishing the Saturday night home alone while the hubby is out. It's been a while since we've done something solo, separate, individual, and I'm glad that he is getting out and hanging out with his best friend, enjoying some guys' only time.

In other news, I've been experiencing a little "curiosity killed the cat" remorse after Googling some people from my past. Little did I know they weren't living hours away as I had assumed, but likely traipsing through my everyday stomping grounds! A little troubling to me as I somewhat dread any reunion them and find myself embarrassed contemplating the possibility that they have seen me without my seeing them, and undoubtedly I would have been horribly dressed and looking my worst (which has been true a lot lately). Subsequently I beat myself up for being a "loser."

My mind falls easily into this negative cycle and I beat myself up for not dressing better or being concerned with my appearance in public or working harder to shed my excess weight, but I've been able to catch myself and rein in the negativity. It doesn't really matter what other people think, especially people that have been hurtful to me in the past, and if people judge me for running to the store with my bedhead hidden under a cap or shuffling around in sweatpants and Crocs, they probably aren't people I need in my life.

Not to mention whatever judgement they pass is theirs. What they think ain't my problem! So often I waste precious energy and damage my self-esteem imagining what other people think of me, when most likely they aren't thinking of me at all. I'm a worrier, I have extremely low self-esteem and part of my mental state right now is worrying about things I would otherwise not think of! I have seen brighter days where my confidence has bloomed and these anxious thoughts have faded away and I know that I can get there again. I can live my life more fully and mindfully without investing so much time in negative trains of thought. I've done it before, I can do it again!

As my hubby says, "Eventually you will forget them, it just takes time, never completely of course, but they won't come up so often! Sometimes what you try to forget hangs on the hardest, so you have stop trying so hard. Just relax. Give it some time!"