Wondering at the horizon...

Found out another gym mom is pregnant today. Her joy was so infectious. This red-faced, supremely scrunchy smile that I described as "Christmas and birthdays and everything all together!"

It was heart wrenching.

Not too long ago I was coping with pregnancy envy over my other friend and feeling like I'd found a good place, worked through it, and moved on. Now I feel pushed back again into this mire of sadness and shame.

We don't want more kids. We're happy. Yet I'm also sad. I'm also confused. I lost so many memories even though I'm fairly certain that I did my best to cherish every stage and step of the way into motherhood. We made the decision to sterilize together and I'm so relieved that I don't have to worry about risking the horrible fallout from my first pregnancy.

I still feel anger. Anger and grief and shame. My choice was about "can't" and "won't" and yet somedays that "can't" glares so much more intensely. I feel robbed. I feel like my illness took my choice away from me. I wonder if we hadn't gone through what we did if we would've had our second child.

In the end, I feel like it's part of a phase-a process. Today I started to appreciate that I'm hanging around with a bunch of baby-making-aged ladies and it's gonna be a part of the scenery! Guess I didn't think that it would be so upsetting, or that I would be exposed to all those sticky emotions that come with pregnancies-good and bad emotions!


I found an article that seemed to help a little bit. It's a different animal, this type of pregnancy envy. I can't relate exactly to all those struggling with infertility and not having any children and those articles seem to reign supreme.


Anyways. I'm kneeling on our hard dining room floor (I was trying to work with our printer) and these old bones need to move!

Love and hugs.

Happy Trails :o)

Sharing Again

It's been awhile. Okay, more like, "It's been a LONG time." However you want to put it, I'm sharing again today.

The encroaching holiday season has brought to mind all the people that matter to me on a personal level this year. Whether it's sharing friendship, a healing hand, or a meaningful moment I have a lot to be thankful for and today I had an opportunity to express my thanks at my local Starbucks.

This postcards might be exclusive to military family locations. The front side says "Honor. Duty. Service. Thank you." With such a spacious, blank back I couldn't imagine simply writing a short greeting so I drew a bird (as I love so much to do).

On this note, please let me know if you'd like a holiday card this year. I know that I have a few addresses on file and plan on sending out cards again.

Not sure if I'm going to continue writing regularly and I'm trying not to be hard on myself or judgmental about that either way things go. I do think it's a good practice for me and I am trying not to get too much "into my head" about returning after such a long absence!

Just to clarify, I have been doing pretty well and been busy with my gym routine and "gym fam," running around for play dates and parties with my gym friends and Baby Bananaface's friends. The hubs and I are doing great, looking to the future as I complete my Master's in Teaching this winter with my student teaching at the turn of the year. 

Speaking of, I have studying to return to and I'm going to put a bow on this impulse share.

Love and hugs :o) 

TGIF

Rough afternoon. Now I've piled half a dozen pillows on and under me and completed the crash! Didn't eat enough didn't drink enough and BB was all over... I tried to nap and didn't quite get there but drooled all over nonetheless. Hubs and I were so over it by the time we were putting BB to bed. Why do my feet hurt so much?!

Been relatively okay with a few dips and recoveries. Day by day, week by week right now. Been some new challenges and waiting to see where that goes...

Working back from a back injury (pun intended) and chiropractor has been encouraging. Good to be back at the gym with friends although been busy and rushing out to appointments... so much driving this past couple weeks. 

Anywho. That's news. Keep on keeping on and by goodness, drink some tea I say!

Woof.

Never No Change

I wouldn't say things have been "shaky" lately, but they've definitely been "squishy." Not quite walking across a rockfield on the side of a steep hill. More like squelching through a muddy riverbank riddled with those rounded river stones. Those stones that seem slightly more friendly than the sharp-cornered mountain rocks that are less forgiving when you fall on your ass.

Not convinced that I'll be falling on my ass soon. I do know that the fear of losing all traction is sitting comfortably in my mind. Whenever physical injury, sickness, or exhaustion forces me to slow down my self-judgment seems to pick up. Even if lying on the couch with a heating pad crammed under my back is the best thing that I can be doing, my mind brings up the 5+ lbs I've accumulated the last few months or the classes that I've yet to peruse for my online degree and-of course-the dishes in the sink or laundry in the hamper.

The fear is familiar. I become agitated, teary, and anxious and can't quite place the source of my discomfort at first. It's the fear. So familiar that it sneaks back into the forefront of my mind with little fanfair.

I may not have caught on, unsure of the source of my anxiety and excess tears, but the fear knows what it's doing. He goes right to work plucking those loose seams from our recent encounters. Those frays so susceptible to those classic judgments he brings with him. I've heard it said that addicts need only one hit to be sucked back into their drug addicitions. I can see how that could be when those hurtful digs start streaming through my mind with renewed gusto. It's difficult not to fall back into the darkest darkness immediately, but I've grown and fought for distance and when I saw those thoughts encroaching-I SAW THEM.

It didn't just happen. I wasn't just taken. I was sitting in bed, getting ready to retire for the night with the hubs beside me. I shoke my head, tears welling in my eyes, a quick inhale, shaky exhale with a shuddering shrug.

"It's not completely unexpected. Is it?" I looked forward, to the corner of the room between our light grey curtains and the mirrored doors of the closet. "Everything, lately. Not just throwing out my back but friends at the gym leaving, coming back from the observation schedule to so much free time. I just haven't figured things out again quite yet."

"It's another transition." His fingers fluttered over my elbow, not quite able to reach my arm for a hand hug, just a whisper of support. "We know these changes get to you. Noticing it is a big deal. It's really important. It's going to get better..."

"Gotta get back on those skills though. I'm running wild with these judgments lately." A few tears escaped and my nose began to run. "Been having those, 'Why me?' thoughts a lot. I know it's pointless. I feel so pouty and off-base."

"It's temporary. We gotta get you back into those DBT tricks and it'll get better."

I nodded. Breathed deep and let myself brush the doubt aside. Even if it were just for now, it would do. I'd done enough thinking. I just wanted to cuddle up with my husband and feel the cool spaces between the duvet slowly warm around us.

Of course, it took some anti-anxiety medication to help me meet that goal, but it worked exactly like it should. A good night's sleep is usually won in my case!

Anyways. The doubts are still stalking me. I'm worried. Unsure. But going at it slowly and trying to think less about the scary signs and more about the tools I can use and the people that need me.

And if I fall on my ass... at least their the smoother rocks and we know exactly what to do if I do.

Something Words Label Here

The days have been indecisive. I know that I've been feeling the same, it just seems like the weather has been more viciously so. My type of indecisive is a quiet desperation for direction, while the weather just likes slapping us all around.

I knew the transition from observation hours back to the old status quo would be challenging like any other change of pace. As it is, this first week feels like a month has passed. I have lost motivation with my studies, found myself wondering if I'm ever going to be able to eat better or push myself more at gym. The judgments have crept in. I feel trapped in an in-between space. I want to improve and yet I'm afraid to strive for fear of the pressure. Pressure. Not quite the possibility of failure, more the possibility of pushing myself to a breaking point, win or lose.

It is a good thing that I want to feel better... there must be a way...

... I don't know.

I do know that some of my gym friends are leaving this summer and I'm already starting to grieve. It was tough enough going to a different class time during my observation hours and now my old class isn't quite going to be my old class anymore.

I do know that the last few days have been especially rough. I've been exhausted and spending lots of time on the couch. At least I've seen the shift and am aware of the downward trajectory, maintaining some perspective on my mood and mental health. Noticing a downturn doesn't mean a bottoming out MUST happen.

It's an awkward, unique experience observing myself like that. Seeing my symptoms crop up and sensing that shift toward a more self-conscious, alienated place. People around me still reach out, chat, include me and yet I feel like I'm being pushed out. It's more of a pulling, I would say. My disease telling me I don't belong, that I'm not good enough. I don't seem to be pushing them away-I'm nice as ever-but I withdraw, pulling myself away.

Oy! 

All this thinking and I've met my quota!

Got to read around a bit today and really enjoyed it <3 Glad to see familiar pages :o)

Take care.

Hannah OUT!

"Ahh" & "Argh"

I finished my observation hours yesterday for my Master's of Arts in Teaching. Over 75 hours observing teachers in action over a month, an arrangement hastily devised on short notice due to my oddly paced schooling.

It was quite stressful for me arranging the observation hours as well as making the transition into such a busy, different schedule and maintaining that schedule/lifestyle change for the month. Lots of driving, frantic meals, messy home space, and bickering with the boys. As aware as I was that I was over-stressed and not able to effectively cope and interact with the hubs and Baby Bananaface, there was/is still some grating there.

Hubster is stressed by his commute and the challenge and effort required by a more demanding job. BB is probably stressed himself by the energy in the house and jostling between daycare and time with Grandma... he's been having some odd potty issues.

This morning, for instance, he took of his pj pants and nighttime nappy (Pull-ups) and instead of going to the toilet as he had been doing for months he grabbed some clothes out of his closet, tossed them on the floor, and pissed on them.

WHAT

THE

HELL

?

This isn't the first time either... he has been doing this "pee on the clothes" thing and even peed in his desk. With my chaos I haven't been able to focus much on it. Now that I'm wrapping up this observation project I'm shifting focus to BB.

Anyhow. You may be able to tell from these flustered words that I'm feeling a bit hair-brained. An "ahh" from finishing the observation hours, and an "argh" for the transition ahead and mothering challenges.

One thing at a time. I know this. Yet my brain keeps leaping around like some caffeine-charged parkour clown.

School. The Hubs. Baby Bananaface. CrossFit. Weight loss. Muscle gain. Better food  choices for out family. Friends. Family. Relax. Work. Treatment. Appointments. Heat. Sun. Burns. Sweat.

I know it's the right thing to take breaks, do puzzles, watch goofy TV shows and drink water... still I feel frantic. It's time for settling down. Transitioning. Trusting the calm again.

It's time to take time.

One thing at a time.



Thinking of you, Hannah :o)

Hannah W. shared 1 photo with you

Hannah W.: Happy Mother's Day all!   View photo You received this mail because Hannah W. shared these photos with you. If you no longer wish to receive email notifications of shared photos, unsubscribe here. Get the Google Photos app Google LLC 1600 Amphitheatre Pkwy Mountain View, CA 94043 USA

Hannah W. shared 1 photo with you

Hannah W. shared a photo with you  View photo You received this mail because Hannah W. shared these photos with you. If you no longer wish to receive email notifications of shared photos, unsubscribe here. Get the Google Photos app Google LLC 1600 Amphitheatre Pkwy Mountain View, CA 94043 USA

Wading.

It's my second week of observing in high school English classes for my Master's in Teaching.

I started out nervous yet hopeful and I thought that I was holding up pretty well that first week. 

Then Tuesday I found myself thinking, "Is it Friday yet?"

Wednesday my body started weakening.

Thursday I didn't give a damn. I came home and did as little as possible. Puzzles and "The Golden Girls," a heating pad and some tea that evening. No dishes were being done, no niceties exchanged with the hubbo. I was spent.

Then Saturday came some redemption for the week. I participated in my first CrossFit competition. It's been less than I year since I started doing CrossFit and for whatever reason I couldn't get this competition out of my mind and I registered way back when. Way back before this most recent hospital visit. Way back before I felt truly discouraged about the nerve pain and weakness in my arms. Yet, somehow, Saturday was fun. And meaningful. I did something! I did something daring and strange and memorable!

My coach nags me about closing my eyes (Exhibit A)
It's a coping technique of mine.

He says closing my eyes is dangerous (Exhibit B)
And has scared the shit out of me unintentionally multiple times.

Sunday came the deload and wobbles anew.

Saturday was a rush-an all day frenzy of a packed schedule and friends and chatting and cheering. Sunday was so quiet and slow. All the stress of my week and the stark contrast to the day before set me off balancein a way I hadn't felt in a while. It wasn't sneaky, it was unnerving and pervasive. I couldn't decide if I had eaten something bad (nausea) or if I had exerted myself somehow (racing heart) or if I had been exposed to something sad (being on the edge of tears). 

Eventually I took some medication to try and alleviate the anxiety. The sadness I couldn't quite break. It felt like a chunk of coal in my chest and I knew that I needed to cry to break it down. When the hubster left for his man-date that evening, the wall finally collapsed. I was sobbing over spaghetti sauce. Stirring slowly as steam and heat blended with my blushed cheeks and warm tears.

That night I didn't wait up. I didn't kiss goodnight or chat until sleep came. My body was locking up and the few words I managed seemed to break the hubster's heart. I felt utterly ashamed and somehow he felt guilty.

I knew the challenges of pursuing another degree and what it could do to me. I knew that starting observation hours was going to be a big undertaking, especially with a hospitalization just a few months back. It didn't matter. I cracked. I was crumbling. I felt ashamed and didn't want to ask for help; still clinging to health enough to recognize that I needed to ask, to troubleshoot and get on top of things before it got worse.

I'm still in that troubleshotting phase. I'm trying to take it easy on myself and avert complete relapse. 

It feels like I'm wading. A slow tiptoe through a familiar yet obscured stream of events. I can't see exactly what's coming; the slippery surface below feeling new despite the many times I've crossed. The cold water and that steady, unended flow un unfriendly though calm sort of familiar.

Baby steps.

---

Many thanks and fond thoughts to those readers checking up on me! I will try and take a read-about your blogs once I get my schooling for this term wrapped up and my health on track. <3

Today is the Day

Today is the day when the hubs rescued me two years ago. The day I've been calling "my second 2nd birthday."

At the gym people often bring in treats for birthdays. Last night the hubster stood by me in the kitchen as I slowly integrated puffs of confectioner's sugar into a cream cheese icing for my gingerbread mini-cupcake. He asked, "Whose birthday is it?" and I kept quiet, staring into the whirling machine.

He doesn't like to talk about that day. It's understandable how traumatic it was for him! It did sting a little to realize that he had forgotten the anniversary though. I tried to get away with not telling him and in the end, whispered, "It's mine."

He breathed a heavy, "Ahh." Came toward me and pulled me into a hug as our eyes mutually drew tears. Distraught at the memories and then amazed to discover how long ago it felt. We are getting further and further from that day. No matter how messy the year behind went or the one ahead goes, any progress forward is a beautiful victory.

Tonight we get to have a dinner together. I've been struggling with anxiety and tears. Feeling lonely and struggling to reach out to friends that I see nearly everyday. I can speak about it all when asked. It's much more difficult to share out of the blue!


With the husbands' working situation fluctuations of late, we're in a month without insurance. A month when I really should've been in for ECT a week ago and are now having to schedule out for May. It is scary. I've been feeling "off" and weakened, hoping for ECT to help. For now, I'm trying to hang on and be satisfied with less. My schoolwork hasn't been going well.

Ahem.

Moving on. No need to rehash more of what haunts me right now.

Wish I could spend more time here, I really must make sure I eat enough and get enough water after such a work out this morning.

Hope to type again soon. <3 Gratitude, hugs, and love.

Thinking of you

In a whirl and taking things day by day. Just wanna say you still make me smile.

Treatment

Saw some friends from the hospital this time! 

Before and after... remembered my premeds this time so MUCH better recovery this time!

Honestly.

I had ECT this morning. Now, it's this afternoon and I'm recuperating on the couch, watching a movie called "50/50." If you haven't seen it, I'd recommend it-just, maybe not on a day when you're keenly aware of your own illness.

Not too long ago I paused the movie and lurched off the couch and creaked down the hall to the bathroom. The boys had been playing for a bit and somehow I couldn't put it together where they were... Mind you, we live in a three-bedroom apartment. 

Standing in that hallway there was an open door to our bedroom on my right, a closed door ahead of me, and an open door on my left to the bathroom. They weren't in our bedroom or the bathroom and I couldn't remember what was behind the door in front of me.

I couldn't visualize BB's room. I could hear the boys playing and I couldn't imagine where they were. I forgot where his bed was, the blue mini-trampoline by the toy box and his bookshelf. I could hear their voices and had no idea the space they inhabited, the physical plane where they existed, what they could possibly look like behind that door.

My breath caught and the tears came. I stifled sobs and ducked into the bathroom, collapsing onto the floor in the dark. My nose ran. I wiped away tears and tried to keep quiet. Sucking air as I scrambled onto BB's plastic IKEA stool, I swiped at the door until it was mostly closed and slumped against the cabinet.

I was sick. I am sick. 

It's not usual for people to forget what their son's bedroom-a room they're in everyday-looks like. It's not usual for people to be getting IV sticks more than ice cream cones. When I can't remember what I read on the gym whiteboard or any part of the Super Bowl that I watched with the hubs, my gym friend, and our sons... it's not average. It's not a personality trait. It's a side effect. 

I'm sick. I'm sick and there's no cure. I can-I have-achieved remissions. I won't always be experiencing such dramatic side effects. I'm still sick. I'm still hitting up the pharmacy more often than most people visit The Olive Garden or some shit... I mean, you should see my medicine "cabinet." Honestly, I should be upgrading my storage options, 'cuz it's a cluster, I tell ya what.

Honestly. That word. It's a tough one for me. I have a difficult time gauging what's "honest" and what's "dramatic." Maybe that's because sometimes the honest truth is dramatic. Well, I don't want to be dramatic and I want to honest, so not only am I writing this post-I'm sharing some pictures that I've only ever shown to the hubs (well, he's not even seen some of them!).

So. Here goes. Some pictures. And more about my experience of being sick-not that I'm nearly as sick as some people! I know that it could be worse. I just want to be honest about how bad it is. I think a lot of it's about admitting to myself what I'm feeling... I've been opening up to some gym friends lately and it's a little confusing being so "chill" when I'm feeling so bad some days-ANYWAYS. Here goes.

I'm just gonna do it. (might've shared some of these before, just so ya know)

Heading into ECT w/ my hair net.
We put gowns over our street clothes
& cram all our belongings into bright green bags
that they leave at the foot of our bed during treatment.
Sometimes I'm lucky and get the Bair Hugger!

I got a butterfly IV today. Really easy stick too!
Took a picture to taunt the hubby-

Guess it's all about perspective, eh?
He's not one for needles-

Annual blood work does him in.
Kind of lucky that
I'm the "sick" one in that way!

Coming out of ECT.
This seems like my uniform of late-
striped cap, green sweater, Crocs!
It looks like I've been crying, although
I'm usually just misty-eyed post-anesthesia. 

Recovering last week at my parents' w/ BB
eating "yee-gurt" and watching Olympics.

Today.
Hard to see the goop on my temple from treatment-it's there.
Watching a movie about cancer made my cap feel way more "sicky!"
Hurt pretty bad post-treatment today.
Worst in a long time.
Getting a bit better now.

Found this from last month.
I can't remember exactly-I think we went
to the ER. The hubs claimed that he called
ahead and that they "had a room." Later
he admitted that he didn't know, he just told me
so to get me to the hospital.
Smart man.

So, I'm lying on the couch with a mass pillows and extra soft couch blankets (we're "couch blankets" people around here) and posting all these pictures... I feel like I've said something and not enough. Earlier, those sobs, that pain, I really, truly, deeply felt it. Now I feel numbed again. "It's not that bad" again.

Tapped for now.

Thank you. Love and hugs and gratitude and smiles. I'm getting back to "my life" more and more, hopefully that means more blogging. Even if it doesn't quite yet, know that I think of you all!

Bonus pic:

Made it to 29!
First official (29 yrs) bracelet :o)
PS: Good game in the background!

Which button do I...

...push?

Wow. It's been so long! Life has been keeping me quite busy.

BB rollin' out one morning, he loves to accessorize!

 The hubs is still out of work and it's been a blessing considering we're still doing ECT once a week and he has to chauffeur me about that day and day after. Baby Bananaface is quite a handful lately with another language explosion of late along with some more forceful expression even when it's gibberish (take this morning when he yelled over-and-over, "MUSHROOM! MUSHROOM?" as I loaded him into the car after CrossFit, I'm glad he enjoys mushroom hunts, just not sure the entire zipcode needs to know about it).

Painting w/ mom (whoa, that's weird to type!)

Apparently baking biscotti is a full-contact sport

Oh, today is my birthday. As is the new tradition of sorts I made thank you notes and treats for a few special folks, namely my CrossFit crew. I brought three different types of biscotti (almond lemon, cocoa honey almond, almond cardamom) and my favorite almond joy bran muffins. I just love me a bran muffin. Screw birthday cake, give me the muffins. Threw some cardamom in those too! Hot damn!

Like I said, things have been kinda hectic so I didn't make and send out as many 'Thank Yous' as I could've. As such, thank you to all of you in this marvelous blogging community. I wish we had been seeing more of each other of late!

Overall, things are on an upward trend but there have been some tough days. Yesterday or the day before I found myself sitting on the hubster's lap and crying, completely drained and disheartened. Sure, there was a specific cause at that moment, I think it was overall an overwhelmation (new word there). I'm still having to take it slow even on the good days.

Comin' out of ECT

Headed into ECT

The hubs and I have been enjoying more movie/TV time together in the evening. Cuddling up or playing cards (this new one called "Snappy Dresser" is pretty good, even for two folks). I've been able to laugh and happy cry and handle the emotions of a movie, so that's good. And, as always, The Great British Baking Show is always a good fall back.

*sigh*

That's all I've got for now. I need to hydrate, I got my heating pad on my lady business (started my period right after the warm-up run this morning! happy birthday!). It's time for some pleasant TV and perhaps a bit of chocolate....

Hugs and happiness and best hope to you all... It's a blue-skied brisk type of day here and I hope everyone else has decent weather themselves.

<3

Drawing for a CrossFit friend, I asked
for quotes to inspire me and sketched
whatever came to mind.

Artwork I did for a CrossFit friend

Checkin' In

Had my third ECT treatment so far this morning and with the way things are looking-I should be out of here Wednesday.

It's been, well, what you would expect: good and bad.

It's stressful making the adjustment to being "on the unit" and it's going to be stressful adjusting to "the outside" again. I've seen others come and go. I've gotten used to the nurses-especially those that I remember from years ago. At first I was a little ashamed to see them again after all these years (as if I should've "had everything figured out" or something) and now I'm just glad that they're here. It seems like they're used to a little bit of turnaround and they probably don't remember me as clearly as I remember them.

Either way-I'm very grateful for them.

I made a few new friends while I was here and I'll be able to keep in touch on Facebook etc. There was another (newer) mother here that I had particular fun with and I think we will be trying to hook up IRL once things settle down for each of us.

Right now, I'm looking forward to time with the hubs and BB. Baking in my kitchen. Seeing the outside of a building. Drinking some decent fuckin' coffee (for serious, c'mon people, folks be dying in here and ya give them this shit coffee?). *excuse my language plz*

So. I'm glad I checked in for another visit. It hasn't been and won't be easy, although I think everything has helped get me headed down the right path again.

I'm pretty nervous about making the transition with mental habits to get in a healthier spot again as well as transitioning back to daily life with the gym and such. I won't be driving for a bit while we finish up ECT (I've got three treatments this week and then we'll see about doing 3 again next week or going down to 2 and so on).

Not sure when I'll be able to get back to the gym, although it's looking like even next week is going to be a bit of a strain. Going on week three now that I've been away? No... yeah. This is week three. I was gone a week when my sister-in-law came to stay with BB and I, last week while I was in hospital, and now I'm entering into the third week. Jeesh. Could be a month out of the gym... Oh well.

Priorities.

One day a time.


Thank you everyone <3

Back on the Inside

Friday I had another plan with a set date. The hubs was onto me and I confessed in a note, so he skipped out on work and took me to the ER up in Seattle where they do my ECT treatments now.

We clocked in at 1:25 and I got into my room almost exactly 9 hours later.

T I R E D

So far so good. Found some nice folks and like the staff. Got some great tomato soup here.

Hoping to get onto the ECT schedule for Monday and we shall see.

I think we're gonna be trying a "new" medication to try and help with my sleeping.

We aren't allowed to have laptops or cellphones on the unit so I will be sparse for the next week at least (as if I haven't been sparse for MONTHS now!).

Thank you all for your support. I hope-truly-to see those days when I'm well enough to catch up with all of your blogs and stories too.

Be well.

Still Here

Tomorrow the hubster foiled my would-be attempt by having my dad drop by the apartment unannounced. My dad took care of BB while I slept most of the afternoon (or laid in the dark contemplating new strategies) and until the hubby got home that evening.

Apparently the hubster got me into a drug trial down in Portland. Since things with ECT have slowed down because of needing that EKG and bloodwork (which seems so simple) he wanted to act more quickly.

Feeling broken. Broken and split. I can feel that my brain isn't working. Part of me feels like ending my life is the best thing for everyone involved. Part of me sees the illness and a life worth living as separate... as the hubster was having me say last night, "I'm out of my mind." That bout covers it.

One day at a time. Gonna be under supervision for foreseeable future. Can't blame them considering I was driving in the rain without my windshield wipers on going 55 in the right lane completed spaced yesterday...

Life is messy right now.


Had a few interesting dreams and stories to share-maybe later. My head hurts and food must be consumed.

Be well.