Oh Brain, You Are So Funny!

Had a funny dream this morning after I fell back asleep after trying to wake up.

I was cleaning out my desk and while doing so I was flipping through channels on the TV (not to mention turning the desk lamp on and off and back on for some reason, yet refusing to turn on the overhead light). Anyways, I thought I was in the Netflix browser but it was static cable. I flipped through a few until I found a newsy looking broadcast with ticker news along the bottom and temperatures skimming along the top of the screen. It was a European America's Next Top Model-just kind of off.

The show was broadcast like a news show or gossip news cast and it seemed to have a boot camp vibe with fashionably dressed judges screaming in anorexic models' faces. The models were even shaved bald and at one point had on wigs and chunky knitted sweaters for their fashion show.

Eventually there was a big finale recap of a catwalk and a photo shoot. The outfits involved animal or ethnic themes and lots of fake feathers and fur. One was a huge poncho of white fur that nearly reached the floor while the model wore a headdress with golden poles sticking out from behind her bald head like a preschooler's drawing of the sun. She was kind of a suck-up, saying "It's beautiful" so dramatically you could read her lips while the newscaster's commentary droned on.

Another outfit was eagle themed and involved a painted hand and fake eagle face. That model stretched low to the ground and put her hand out like the eagle was in a dive. Very dramatic. Reminded me of some figure skating routines I've seen! The stuffy news announcer (an older male with dark hair tinged with gray) kept saying "She's out of control."

Lastly there was a male model with a white outfit resembling a suit yet more loose fitting. He was laying a treadmill like belt covered with dirt and leaves to resemble the ground and what appeared to be an albino platypus (?) was laid in front of him. The platypus began to roll around playfully and so the model copied the animal, twisting around and arching his back, then the tread began to move them until they were trundled under a stream of spraying water. Once again, the broadcaster kept saying, "He's out of control." Seemed like he couldn't think of much else to say.

Then the show cut to commercial and there was a CGI ferret walking on it's back paws and nibbling at his front paws (but it was crappy animation and the teeth didn't even touch the front paws just clacked in place) while zooming down a snowy lane. There was some touching music in the background, very Campbell's soup-esque, and the ferret whisked down the lane to some snowy abandoned church. Then there was some informational bullet points about stray animals and hazardous buildings including "abandoned churches, dumpy dumps, trashy trashes" it was ridiculous. I guess the message was keep your ferrets inside and feed them Eukanuba.

So, mind your ferrets!

Abuse Sticks Around Long After The Abuser Leaves!

The last few days have got me thinking about trauma, specifically the sort of trauma resulting from abusive relationships.

The statistics may seem unbelievable, but the more years that pass, the more experience I gain, the more I realize the sad truth is so many women are abused day in and day out. Reading that 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence seems so outlandish, but I am starting to believe it.

I don't want to delve into details but readers know that I have been a victim of abuse and the last several months I have heard stories from other women in my life as well. The similarities are incredible. Not just between the victims but in the abusive patterns.

Being in recovery and not in the midst of abuse any longer, I am experiencing a new perspective while listening to others' stories. It is terribly sad to listen to these tales of abuse but at the same time there seems to be a hidden blessing, these stories have somehow alerted me to the fact that I am still suffering some long term effects.

It's terrible to think that the abuse perpetrated by one man from my past could be affecting the relationship with my husband today, but I have noticed signs.

The other night I found myself crippled with fear and doubt. I was afraid that my marriage wasn't as sound as I thought, that I was incapable of good judgment and couldn't see the truth. That I couldn't see what type of relationship I was really in, afraid that I was being abused again, that the wool was pulled over my eyes.

Thankfully I was able to communicate this to my husband and he was understanding and reassuring. Funny how my mind could fear an abuser and yet my heart could turn to the same figure for help! I suppose that is how things worked in my abusive relationship except that man would manipulate me in my time of need instead of aid and support me like my loving husband.

My hubster proves himself over and over again to be a worthy partner, loving and caring to a fault. It isn't just how he treats me that lets me know he is safe, it's how he treats others, his mother, his family and his friends. I know he's a good man yet past abuse has left doubt in my mind like a black mold! Having taken advantage of my low self-esteem, my abuser has left a legacy of mental scars including difficulty believing my own feelings.

While I continue to work on my self-esteem, I have noticed my mind slipping back into old habits. My body cowering while I punish myself for not being good enough, for instance, and the sickest part of all-I cower before my husband!

Let me be clear, he is not threatening. Any statement or hint of displeasure (whether or not I may have caused any issue) is transformed in my mind to a put down. A conditioned response from that previous relationship has cropped up in my new relationship. It is sad but thankfully does not happen often.

Other examples involve terrifying fear responses to certain physical interactions. This rarely happens but I recall a few times playing around (we like to rough house and wrestle and chase and giggle and talk from time to time) and my husband underestimated his strength or pinned me too effectively and I panicked. Another instance was more intimate but similar, the fear akin to a panic attack. Talk about killing the mood!

These are small things, inconsistent and not occurring often. Sharing my story and hearing the stories of others has simply brought my attention to these traces of that past abuse, helped me to realize that I'm still recovering. And that's okay.

I will continue to improve and recover and hope that those women struggling with their own abusers will find their ways to safety and peace.