Fasten Thy Seat Belt!

Tuesday got a little bumpy 'round here.

The day began rather mundane. Woke up around 10:00 AM, managed to feed myself, do a workout, and acknowledge the fact that I was lonely and sick of being cooped up in the apartment, acutely feeling that I needed to get out of the house. Fast forward a few hours and the hubby arrives home from work while I'm working on a mini-project. For whatever reason, I fracture.

He was on board with getting out of the house despite the fact that he immediately launched into preparing the roast for dinner. I was jolted off-balance by the mixed messages, already stressed from my cabin fever, and feeling guilty for not working (or as my mind was phrasing it "having a valid excuse to be stressed out and needing to traipse about town") and suddenly felt my peripheral vision narrow.

It's a symptom of my anxiety when my peripheral vision feels dimmed and narrowed, I feel like I am suddenly removed from my surroundings and unable to interact with people or objects around me. It's like I'm frozen in a huge block of ice that puts impenetrable distance between me and the world. The hubster recognized this (especially after I crouched on the floor in an odd spot in a somewhat "hiding in plain view" position) and spoke softly, asking questions and trying to get me to maintain some eye contact.

Between his presence and my breathing/mindfulness I was able to acknowledge that I was having a minor episode, that the feeling would pass, and subsequently focus on getting out of the house and not letting my anxiety hijack the afternoon. We went to a little shopping area called "Town Center" and had some ice cream (you know he's babying me when he agrees to go to Cold Stone) before meandering around Pier 1 and the University Bookstore. It was a good escape, though I would've liked to wander for a longer period.

We came home to a delightful roast that had cooked perfectly in our absence and concluded the day with some computer games, reading, and TV. Takin' it easy ;) It was a bumpy day but in the end I coped and didn't let it ruin the entire evening or the next few days-progress!

In more recent news, I upped the ante and tried the next level on the workout video the doc recommended. Sweat was drippin'! I'm hoping to complete 7 days of each workout level before the road trip next month. It's rushing things but I know that I will appreciate it once I'm in road trip mode and not able to exercise or eat as healthfully. I'm planning to pack some nuts, fruits, veggies, and peanut butter & bread to help avoid eating too much fast food but I know that the trip will take a toll on my health, the question is just how much of a toll.

While I've made good progress with my mental and physical health I am concerned about spending over a week away. Out of my usual routine, away from my resources, and away from the hubster. I'm trying to look at it as a learning opportunity and a unique challenge but I feel afraid. I can't help think that my reserves are not stockpiled high enough to meet this challenge and stay healthy! Who knows, maybe it will be energizing or educating in a way I cannot predict?

Regardless, it's happening in less than a month and we'll just have to see!

A Bright Weekend

 It has been a bright weekend outside and the hubster brought the brightness inside with some tulips!

My back has been aching for several days now and the hubster surprised me Friday with tulips and beer as a cheering up surprise.

Despite the backache I have been exercising daily and minding my Health Journal. I haven't made all my dietary goals each and every day but overall I'm eating more healthfully and feeling better (minus the backache). My mood has been positive overall and my sleep is getting back on track.

It's been interesting feeling my body respond to the diet changes and exercise. Certainly improvements abound but I also have some mental shadow-creatures lurking about threatening my success. It's caused some tension between the hubbo and I as I've struggled to get a grip on my emotions and accidentally blamed him for my issues!

I think it all boils down to my self-worth problems. Working on my wellness and brought up "is it worth it?" and "who are you to want better for yourself?" It's complicated but the inner chatter is all too familiar and the sad pit in my stomach tells me these thoughts are bad news.

Not only am I changing physical and dietary habits, I must address my mental habits or risk jeopardizing the whole health project.

Thankfully the hubster is a faithful deputy. He very often asks me, "Is this a self-worth issue?" and doesn't take my crankiness or spitefulness at face value. He has a high tolerance for bitter, but even he gets fed up with me on occasion.

This anger fascinates and terrifies me. Deep down a pool of anger has stored up within me. A mass of tiny black drops that I've kept inside, not knowing how to express my anger or not feeling valid enough to do so, instead of releasing the rage each dark feeling condenses inside me like a toxic dew. All those drops have gathered into one dark pond and been left to stew deep down in my gut.

I feel wronged. I feel abandoned. I feel hurt. I feel betrayed by myself and others.

Deep down there is a part of me that knows I'm worthy. Despite being backed into a dark corner for most of my life, that stubborn little glow puts up a fight. She hasn't disappeared and instead she fights back, rages against the messages that I'm worthless and sends angry feelings through me like adrenaline to a fleeing gazelle. The anger causes problems, but I think it's a survival tool.

I wouldn't feel angry unless I felt I had been wronged. I wouldn't feel wronged unless part of me does feel legitimate; valid enough to have and hold an opinion and stand up for herself. It's in there, I just have to embody it.

So, I'm on a healthier diet and exercising but I'm also embarking upon an anger adventure. I want to suss out the anger within me and move beyond.

Let's see what I discover!