Sunday Review/Happy Monday!

Yesterday was the 15th anniversary of 9/11 and even though I had been thinking of the event all week, I honestly forgot about it that morning until halfway through my walk with Fio.

It was a beautiful morning and I found myself feeling so grateful that I could be taking a peaceful walk without fearing for my life, even swapping content "good morning" greetings with my neighbors. We're just about strangers to each other but we're also countrymen with an undeniable link and that's so important to remember.

The radio station I happened to have on played the anthem on the hour all day and the hubs and I both really appreciated it (even got a little teary!) despite not being in love with the version they selected... but Whitney Houston's take on the anthem grew on us during the day I think.

I always end up feeling very grateful even though there are also many dark feelings like fear and anger that come along with these anniversaries.

Speaking of anniversaries, Sunday also happened to mark 5 months since I attempted to take my life. I still feel like I'm "sick" and frustrated to still be striving for some undefined "all better" or sense of feeling good enough (but really, even when I'm "healthy" I'm not sure if I've ever been able to maintain a sense of feeling good enough). I think that's a really complicated aspect of my mental health, but someday I hope to be at peace with myself and really, truly accepting my best as good enough.

All that said, I think I've made a lot of changes and my baby steps are adding up to many positive shifts in my health and my life. I still have hard days and I still wonder if I can hold it all together, but more and more I find myself believing in my own strength and appreciating the little things that I'm able to do now that I just couldn't manage those several months back-even simple things like getting out of the condo, feeding myself, and doing chores.

We didn't do anything specific to commemorate the date but the hubs and I were both contemplative and able to appreciate our family hike and time together a little more than usual :o)

Here are some fun pictures from the trail: a cool frog I spotted, a family selfie, and some goofy pics. Also, another selfie from story time at home that night.

Many emotions and ups and downs but overall a good day.

So far, my Monday is going well. I was feeling well enough to cancel the ECT appointment I made "just in case" last week. There were a few pretty bad days last week that made us think I might need a treatment to get the suicidal thoughts to subside, but I think I'm transitioning out of the darkness-at least I'm working hard to try and make that happen!

Anyways, the ECT staff and TMS staff have been very helpful and supportive and I'm so glad to have them as part of my treatment. It's amazing how such wonderful people manage to be in some of the darkest spots of life and brighten things up no matter how bad things get.

Happy Monday all!

Steppin' Out!!

I was feeling... verbal? brave? daring? Whatever it was, it was a big leap into new territory for me to post the following to Facebook. It was all linked up with the following article from The Mighty. I came across the article from a couple of pages I follow sharing it and felt inspired to make my own statement in honor of World Suicide Prevention Day and National Suicide Prevention Week.


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It's World Suicide Prevention Day and just like National Suicide Prevention Week I feel compelled to post and share a little bit. #WSPD16

I really appreciated this article. I hate to know that there are so many others that have experienced the same heartbreaking pain but hearing their stories is so encouraging for me personally and I would think it can be helpful to those who don't quite "get" suicide. For those out there that "get" suicide on a personal level-keep fighting! We can do this :)


The following snippets really resonated with me:

“In the mind of the person thinking about the act, it is the complete opposite of a selfish decision. In that moment, we truly feel the world would be a better place without us. It’s a situation I’m glad some people don’t understand because it means they’ve never felt those feelings, but one which people who have never experienced themselves shouldn’t be so quick to judge.” — Jen D.

“When I tell my story, it’s not for attention. It’s a way for me to reach out and make others realize they’re not alone. I want my story to inspire others to keep going, to continue to fight, and to take the steps towards a happier and healthier life.” — Megan D.


I know the fear, the pain, the doubt, and how hopeless it all can seem but I also know when I'm in my "right" mind that life is worth the fight. I live with the fear of my disease convincing me otherwise everyday, but I keep doing my level best to keep fighting the good fight. #IKeptLiving

I know this post is ridiculously long :p but that's okay!
Strength and hope to all in the trenches... be well <3

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Today was an up-and-down day but overall up. I had to use a lot skills and I battled some anxiety but I've also enjoyed more relaxed time than usual and kept active and proactive-yay!

I'm a survivor, and I'm doing my best and that's good enough :o)