Woke up this morning in a much different mindset-it wasn't the darkness greeting me, it was my right mind and DBT skills and mindfulness! The dark thoughts have been whispering but I've been able to brush them off and so far it's been a good day. Still early, but I'm hoping this upward trend continues.
Oddly there is part of me that feels a little disappointed that the darkness didn't deepen or continue-I feel like a liar or a faker or something. In reality, it's the disease and it's unpredictable and while I can utilize skills and treatment and therapy I can't really control the way this disease presents itself. So, I will just ride this ride and do my best and see what happens. Leave judgment at the door, we don't need it here!
Thank you all for your concern and support. I really appreciated seeing all those comments and drop-ins and will continue to keep y'all updated as I see where my mood goes.
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Again.
Having a hard relapse. Not sure if this is last week coming back with a vengeance or a totally new front of bad mood-weather but it's taken me under like a riptide. I thought making it through the weekend meant I was back on track and outta the woods, but I guess not.
Things got pretty bad, pretty fast yesterday afternoon and even though I reached a point where I was ready to die and an eerie calm came over me, I decided to wait and see how I felt in the morning... Well, the thoughts were there to greet me this morning and I've been confused and teary and sad despite going to my regular gym class and going through the motions.
It ain't pretty. We've got an ECT appointment for tomorrow.* I'm disappointed in myself, in the hand I've been dealt... I'm just tired of fighting. The dark thoughts are so convincing, so reassuring.
I've had a variety of symptoms besides the suicidal ideation-crying and shaking and loss of expression, my face just slack and no laughter, no frustration, just "blah" from me... but nothing new. It's all familiar. I've been here before.
Sigh.
I don't know what's going to happen. I feel so "blah" about things either way it's a bit confusing. I would be happy to be snuffed out and out of the fight, I even feel dismissive about leaving behind loved ones and friends and the inconvenience and hurt that would cause-I know it's not my "right" mind but it's such a powerful sense of release that overtakes me in these deep dips... I'm sure some of you can relate.
On the other hand I can still grasp those whispering, rational thoughts that this is all temporary and the disease overtaking me and that I want to live I just don't want to continue hurting this way... Sheesh, it's downright crazy how quickly my reasonable mind is overwhelmed by these horrible, dark thoughts-like a massive, lightning quick avalanche sweeping my life off track. Ugh.
Like I said, it's confusing, but I trust the hubby and can still kinda hear that part of me that still sees the light and although there is a heavy presence of darkness in my mind I'm still edging forward toward wellness somehow.
I'm baby steppin' major today. Will try to keep the blog updated as things progress <3
*Apparently the doctors are wobbling between TMS and ECT, so things are up in the air for now but hopefully I'll find out this afternoon.... They want me to try and make it through without the ECT and stick with just the TMS, maybe do ECT Friday for "emergencies only." More confusion! Anyways. Will update later.
Things got pretty bad, pretty fast yesterday afternoon and even though I reached a point where I was ready to die and an eerie calm came over me, I decided to wait and see how I felt in the morning... Well, the thoughts were there to greet me this morning and I've been confused and teary and sad despite going to my regular gym class and going through the motions.
It ain't pretty. We've got an ECT appointment for tomorrow.* I'm disappointed in myself, in the hand I've been dealt... I'm just tired of fighting. The dark thoughts are so convincing, so reassuring.
I've had a variety of symptoms besides the suicidal ideation-crying and shaking and loss of expression, my face just slack and no laughter, no frustration, just "blah" from me... but nothing new. It's all familiar. I've been here before.
Sigh.
I don't know what's going to happen. I feel so "blah" about things either way it's a bit confusing. I would be happy to be snuffed out and out of the fight, I even feel dismissive about leaving behind loved ones and friends and the inconvenience and hurt that would cause-I know it's not my "right" mind but it's such a powerful sense of release that overtakes me in these deep dips... I'm sure some of you can relate.
On the other hand I can still grasp those whispering, rational thoughts that this is all temporary and the disease overtaking me and that I want to live I just don't want to continue hurting this way... Sheesh, it's downright crazy how quickly my reasonable mind is overwhelmed by these horrible, dark thoughts-like a massive, lightning quick avalanche sweeping my life off track. Ugh.
Like I said, it's confusing, but I trust the hubby and can still kinda hear that part of me that still sees the light and although there is a heavy presence of darkness in my mind I'm still edging forward toward wellness somehow.
I'm baby steppin' major today. Will try to keep the blog updated as things progress <3
*Apparently the doctors are wobbling between TMS and ECT, so things are up in the air for now but hopefully I'll find out this afternoon.... They want me to try and make it through without the ECT and stick with just the TMS, maybe do ECT Friday for "emergencies only." More confusion! Anyways. Will update later.
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