Anxiety

I've been bombarded by anxiety the past few days and it is wearing on me. Wanna scratch and tear and scream my way out of this somehow but I know that I can't. There is no miracle drug or fairy godmother waiting to cure my addled brain!

Let me describe living conditions inside Hannahville... Tension is prime in the forecast, with occasional jaw grinding and hand-wringing. Fretful humming and whimpering throughout the day and a sugar-binge warning in affect all week. Cloudy thoughts and a stormy brow make for some walloping headaches. Negative thinking and depressive tendencies are bringing self-harm and unsafe feelings to the neighborhood and low self-esteem impedes self-care. 

Generally not a pleasant place to be, but here I am!

Feeling a lot of pressure and expectations (mostly generated in my mind) that are contributing to the anxiety. Whether it's weekend plans with the folks, plans for this summer, my client due next month, or my brother's graduation in May I am worrying about it and feeling incapable. 

Slogging through... Which reminds me, Oso. We donated a little money tonight and it made me realize how little the Oso disaster makes me feel. Not as an individual, but as humans. Just like the Malaysia flight disappearing-so much technology and evolution and yet we are still powerless in so many ways. 

Feeling Quiet and Timid

Just realized that I'm feeling quiet and timid today. I'm not motivated to do much and I'm not beating myself up over that. I'm just quietly "being" at home. I wondered why and it quickly dawned on me why; last night I had an episode and I coped a little better than usual.

The episode was condensed, short but rife with symptoms: depression, anxiety, self-harming and suicidal thoughts, aches, my movement and expression slowed, and I felt like crying but could not. As intensely miserable as I was I maintained a little bit of perspective and realized that I was not rational. The disease was narrating my thoughts and while the darkness did get the best of me in some ways, I was able to treat myself more gently than usual, offering acceptance and forgiveness and trying to battle back the shame and criticism.

Sure, it still sucked. But I made it through the episode without self-harming and without using medication. I made it through and this morning I didn't wake up with an episode hangover. I woke up, went about my day and forgot about the episode entirely! I'm feeling quiet and timid but I'm not racked with body aches or tormented by painful thoughts.

And so I gratefully accept this quiet day. I won't feel bad about myself for taking it easy after having a rough evening and I won't worry about what tomorrow will bring. One quiet, timid, baby step at a time is  my game plan.

Hoorah! Well, a whispered 'hoorah' really... ;)