My Bad

Little stressed this week as I discovered a little too late that my thyroid script was expired. The ole "3 refills out of...." with the "until 10.24.14" on the other side of the bottle where I didn't see it. Whoops!

I've been scrambling to get more pills but due to the fact that I don't want to see the doctor that prescribed them I've got myself in a bit of a pickle. Add to the anxiety over "scary doctor lady" that I'm pregnant and don't want to screw up my body chemistry with too many missed doses and I'm a little hair-brained at the moment.

Thankfully I was able to get an appointment with the ND (a lady that I actually like) this Friday and hopefully will be able to get more meds then. Even though I like my ND I was struck with some anxiety over seeing her again, namely because I'm nearly 6 months pregnant and haven't updated her. Whoops?

I guess it slipped my mind, or it wasn't a priority or (actually) I have been harboring some shame and have been avoiding the interaction.

Why shame? Probably because I saw this woman while I was at my worst in the throws of bipolar depression and pretty dang crazy and a bit of me feels guilty for even being pregnant, like I'm not qualified. It's been over 8 months since I've been in to the ND's office and a lot has changed. Mainly, I'm pregnant, but also I'm doing my own thing, managing my health and not needing to go to the doctors' every other week! It's awesome. But I still feel ashamed that I'm pregnant when I was so sick and dysfunctional not so long ago....

My darling husband said something very sweet while reassuring me that I wasn't "one of those people that shouldn't ever have kids." He said, "You're not one of those people who shouldn't have kids, you're one of those people that needs to have kids because you have goodness to share. You mind may be a troubled mind but it's a beautiful mind too."

The hubby was kind enough to remind me that it doesn't matter what others think and that most of the mean thoughts I'm afraid others' are thinking are just my thoughts about myself. I weakly mentioned maybe my low self-esteem has affected my ability to validate my decision to become a parent and he agreed that I need to "go your own way," promptly cuing up Fleetwood Mac to make his point.

He also emphasized that I've made a lot of progress. Sure, I still have episodes but I'm coping much better, rebounding much quicker, and not succumbing to as many as I have in the past. I'm also off of all psychoactive drugs, the only scripts I take right now are thyroid and folic acid. I haven't lost all my "depression weight" but I have been eating better and exercising more, taking my Vitamin D and the prenatals. I'm not a health nut but doing pretty well.

It's difficult for me to feel good about myself and where I am. I constantly look for what needs to be improved or where I'm falling short, but when I really try I can see that I've made a lot of positive changes and that I'm not in the same place that I was. I am healthier and I am allowed to decide when I want to have children, and the hubster and I made the decision and we're happy with it. Doesn't matter a lick what anyone else thinks!

So, I will navigate this speed bump with the extra stress of shame and anxiety, hoping that on the other side I'll have a little more self-assurance and pride than I when I hit the bump to begin with! I'm going to try and maintain some pride and self-love while combating that shame during my appointment Friday... Guess we'll just have to wait and see how it goes.

In other news, I'm becoming more frustrated with the cloud of negativity that seems to surround pregnancy. Maybe it's just the women I'm around or the current culture? Either way it seems like a lot of criticism, fear, and pity-not a pleasant cocktail. I've been trying to find positive birth stories and influences but it seems the best medicine is avoiding media and uncensored input (not that that helps deflect the years of memories and associations in my brain). Mindfulness and enjoying the present helps, focusing on my baby's movements and how well this pregnancy has gone so far, just being joyous and grateful seems like a bit of non-violent protest!

Babymoon-DONE!

We've declared our babymoon a success, though I must say we took things a lot slower than we anticipated, mostly due to me coming down with a cold shortly after arriving in Canmore :/ Despite traveling with masses of tissues and phlegm we managed to see most of the things we planned for and found some fabulous dining (my taste buds weren't totally defunct).

Our favorite food spots included Trough and OEB with the Trailhead Cafe in Lake Louise a surprising lunch success. Trough and OEB were straight up, best of the best, making it on the list of our favorite food spots ever. The hubster enjoyed a brew at Grizzly Paw but we didn't eat out all that much (well, we've discovered Canadian A&W to be vastly superior to the American version). Instead we managed to eat quite a few meals at the condo and save some cash, which was nice and worked out well with my low energy/food motivation.

We really enjoyed Cave and Basin but the Banff museum was closed for renovations. The scenic drives around Tunnel Mountain and the Icefields Parkway were awesome (a low-flying eagle may have scared the bejeezus outta the hubster at one point) and the mountains blew our minds. They are beyond big up there, as are the ravens (another bird that the hubster was not enthused by-but I sure did!).

The hubster found the teddy bear he wanted for baby in Banff and I found a cute board book with adorable bear illustrations. Otherwise we sent some postcards and snagged some Kinder eggs while the getting was good but opted out of most souvenirs.

Broke in our new camera (we may still be getting the hang of it) and managed to do the Peyto Lake/Bow Summit hike (I was wheezing, I tell ya what), toodle around the Marsh Loop at Cave and Basin, and walk around Lake Louise a bit but not a full trail journey. Between the congestion and general fatigue I was experiencing things were pretty laid back. It was pretty chilly for us too so viewing sites from the warmth of the rental car was a natural alternative!

We found the golden larches I so wanted to see and learned a lot at the Ammolite Factory tour, even saw some new species for us at the zoo in Calgary. All in all, it was a lovely trip with amazing views, only a few hiccups and a lot of pleasant surprises. The hubster seems to be coming down the cold I had during our stay and I unfortunately barfed on two of our three flights but the good definitely outweighed the bodily fluids.

On a side note, we got rather wrapped up with the Canadian news of the week. Sadly our trip coincided with two horrible attacks; our anniversary involved a hit-and-run of two Canadian soldiers and then a couple days later the shooting at Ottawa. Being American we are a bit desensitized to that sort of violence but the fact that it was on Canadian soil really struck us and it was fascinating watching the news coverage and how CTV handled things as opposed to how American news handles such occurrences. I was very happy to see many of the guest speakers and hosts refrain from sensationalizing too much (it still happened but was kept pretty well in check) and focus on positives and national pride more than fear and reactionary statements. Stay classy, Canada.

In other news, I am shocked at how long my hair is! And how pregnant I'm looking.... Starting to sink in! And here is photographic evidence with a lovely grimace...

I'm not a huge fan of head colds or creepy Halloween decorations. It's a double whammy grimace.