Words for Wednesday

I know that there is probably a better way to put this, but for whatever reason I can't think of it-what do I mean? I mean that I'm feeling "wordly constipated." I want to write. I got stuff in my brain to write about but it's sure having a tough time making it's way into the world! Please bear with me this week as I try to work out some words and work in the prompt words/image/phrase provided by Elephant's Child and Olga Godim at EC's blog.

Someone
Hopscotch
Days
Hotter
Hoaxer
Lonely

"I was just wondering if you could solve a little argument?"

I ended up using the words and not the phrase or image, but I left those up there in case anybody else was inspired and wanted to write from those too or instead :o)

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There wouldn't be a hotter day that summer. Mallory felt an overwhelming sense of stubborn conviction sink into her bones as she jogged around the paved park path. She had very little data to support her conclusion but it seemed like today would have to be the hottest because it was simply the perfect complement to her mental agony. She hated sweltering heat and she hated the misery depression and anxiety brought into her life.

It had been eight days now since her mood began sliding down and her anxiety flaring up. The shift in mental stability made her feel isolated and lonely; sick to her stomach at times and dizzy or faint at others. Images of various suicide scenarios swept through her mind multiple times a day and she struggled to ward off the intrusive thoughts that she was hopelessly flawed and burdensome to her loved ones. She recognized the symptoms of her mental disorders but despite her experience combating the darkness she had been unable to prevent the episode. Now she found herself outside, dripping sweat and risking sunburn while she jogged and trudged around the park in an attempt to bring her mood up and keep her mind from the darker thoughts and urges.

Someone laughed to her right and Mallory glanced toward the paved picnic area to see a group of children playing hopscotch and doodling with chalk. Instead of a smile she felt a frown collapse her features and she heaved a sigh. Hopefully they don't end up like me, she thought, writing off her life as an epic disappointment before catching the flawed thought and dismissing it. Just because I'm having a difficult time right now doesn't mean that my life isn't worth living or that I won't have happier days soon.

Mental manipulations and alterations like this were daily practices even when she was having better days; during the rougher times it was like "Mortal Kombat." For whatever reason she had to live with this type of brain that happened to try and convince her to kill herself from time to time. It was like living with a compulsive liar, some sort of masterful hoaxer attempting to pull one over on you so often that you begin to live in a state of suspicion and fear, unable to relax even at home in her lover's arms or with her closest family and friends. The threat was everywhere she was.

Mallory refocused her mind on her slow jog and counting her steps: 1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4, over and over until the sadness and anger disappated enough that she could focus on something positive. She chose to think of that morning at the gym and the music from her workout class. Reciting the fun pop songs helped her forget the darkness for a bit while the stifling heat and exertion from the jog contributed to her distraction and further aided her mental escape. 

As her muscles twinged and her breaths became ragged she encouraged herself to keep pushing; one step at a time, one breath at a time. She set a goal of jogging until the next porta-potty before taking a break to walk and suddenly realized that that was life; trying to keep going even when the going got rough, focusing on one step at a time just trying to reach the next benchmark. 

Mallory smirked and shook her head, negative thoughts chiming in about the futility of life and the unavoidable pain and struggle, images of death offering relief and escape. Mallory grit her teeth and confronted the dark thoughts with images of her husband and child, laughter and hope, silent words of encouragement and validation. 

The battle continues, she thought and wondered if the people watching her huff and puff and sweat her way around the park had any idea how much more challenging her mental exercise was. One step at a time. One thought at time. Just keep trying. 

And so she did.

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Definitely some real life inspiration there but a little different :o) Glad I was able to get something out-wasn't sure if I was gonna be able to at first! 

Thanks for reading. I'm going to be providing the prompts next month (EEEEEEEE! Nervous and excited!) so things might be a little different hereabouts on Wednesdays but I'm still going to try and write and keep the updates coming. August here we come!

"Think Less, Do More"

"Think less, do more" is the mantra recommended to me by my therapist to try and combat my reoccurring suicidal thoughts and just plain mean internal monologues of late that aren't any help to anyone.

It's certainly been helpful to me staying active and busy, my gym classes and more chores and walks and reading have been helping me cope and I achieved quite a few decent days for a good stretch there a week or so ago... but these past few days have been challenging and while they haven't been completely and totally awful they have had more than their fair share of negativity. Some days I haven't been able to cope very well at all and have felt hopeless and miserable but I also know that there have been many times that I am able to use my skills and keep myself from bottoming out completely and I'm proud of that.

So far, today has been better than the last few days but I'm still feeling unstable and fearful of dark thoughts. I thought of the mantra and dragged myself out of bed, adhering the to traditional morning practices of getting dressed for the gym and putting brekkie together and making the hubster's coffee. We began a game of Upwords and I took the dog out for his morning constitutional before kissing the boys goodbye and heading to the gym.

I didn't cry in class today (that happened in yoga class yesterday, I can't claim that I was totally stable to begin with but it was this song that really tipped me over the edge-I was wishing so hard that I could easily, simply change and be better for the hubster and BB as I listened). I got a good workout but wasn't quite ready to face the empty condo and lunch so I walked/jogged at the park until I felt spent. Big news, I made my own lunch today! That's a big deal! Lately I haven't had much appetite and have been inclined to skip eating so just to make sure I eat I end up getting some sort of fast food to just say I've eaten. Today I made a sandwich!

Anyways. Life has been tough lately. I have been emotional and frustrated, spitting angry at times (I seem to be struggling to accept that this is my life and that struggling against the darkness is likely always going to be a part of my life) and then alternately overwhelmingly grateful for the hubster and so loving toward him that it eases my pain for a while... it's been a roller coaster.

Thankfully the hubby recognizes that I'm in a dip and experiencing a challenging time and has been supportive. When my weekend didn't improve and Monday was still rough we decided to call into ECT and get another appointment, so I've got that coming up Thursday. I'm hoping that I'll feel better by then but we decided it would be best to have an appointment made and not need it than try to white-knuckle it.

I'm trying to do my best and stick with the DBT skills and soldier through the rough patch but it's definitely brought up a lot of my fears and confusion about my variety of treatments and what is working and what isn't and if I'm getting better; the wise-minded part of me believes that I'm making progress but the darkness can easily convince me that I'm not getting better and that I won't get better and that nothing works for me. I think I summed it all up as, "I'm trying to get better and I'm doing whatever I can to get better and that's better than giving in and just killing myself so just keep trying."

Well. I love typing and I could type all day but I feel like the loudmouth at a party that's run her mouth for too long! So I'll wish everyone well and hope that y'all are having good days :o)

Off to keep at keeping my head above water!

<3