Last night I pulled out my DBT work and went to work. Last week I reached out to my late aunt's partner about meeting up for the first time in years and anxiety set in as I looked ahead to the reintroduction. I decided to utilize some DBT skills in order to cope ahead as well as address some unresolved issues regarding my aunt.
Thing was, it was pretty tough trying to work through things that I didn't remember... so the hubs recommended that I look at the blog. Of course, we found a treasure trove of resources just by searching one word. I was amazed. Reflecting brought back some memories and also reminded me that it's something of a blessing to forget some things.
I was also a little wistful. I used to write so much! And I had a community here. Not sure what happened as far as fading away but I'm considering fading back in. I started another blog (very recently) and now I'm conflicted about reviving this one. My sister made some comment about knowing about a blog and it scared me, but that was years ago now.
I don't know right now. That's okay.
But it feels good to let these fingers fly...
Be well. :o)
Monday, January 20, 2020
Tuesday, December 11, 2018
Wondering at the horizon...
Found out another gym mom is pregnant today. Her joy was so infectious. This red-faced, supremely scrunchy smile that I described as "Christmas and birthdays and everything all together!"
It was heart wrenching.
Not too long ago I was coping with pregnancy envy over my other friend and feeling like I'd found a good place, worked through it, and moved on. Now I feel pushed back again into this mire of sadness and shame.
We don't want more kids. We're happy. Yet I'm also sad. I'm also confused. I lost so many memories even though I'm fairly certain that I did my best to cherish every stage and step of the way into motherhood. We made the decision to sterilize together and I'm so relieved that I don't have to worry about risking the horrible fallout from my first pregnancy.
I still feel anger. Anger and grief and shame. My choice was about "can't" and "won't" and yet somedays that "can't" glares so much more intensely. I feel robbed. I feel like my illness took my choice away from me. I wonder if we hadn't gone through what we did if we would've had our second child.
In the end, I feel like it's part of a phase-a process. Today I started to appreciate that I'm hanging around with a bunch of baby-making-aged ladies and it's gonna be a part of the scenery! Guess I didn't think that it would be so upsetting, or that I would be exposed to all those sticky emotions that come with pregnancies-good and bad emotions!
I found an article that seemed to help a little bit. It's a different animal, this type of pregnancy envy. I can't relate exactly to all those struggling with infertility and not having any children and those articles seem to reign supreme.
Anyways. I'm kneeling on our hard dining room floor (I was trying to work with our printer) and these old bones need to move!
Love and hugs.
Happy Trails :o)
It was heart wrenching.
Not too long ago I was coping with pregnancy envy over my other friend and feeling like I'd found a good place, worked through it, and moved on. Now I feel pushed back again into this mire of sadness and shame.
We don't want more kids. We're happy. Yet I'm also sad. I'm also confused. I lost so many memories even though I'm fairly certain that I did my best to cherish every stage and step of the way into motherhood. We made the decision to sterilize together and I'm so relieved that I don't have to worry about risking the horrible fallout from my first pregnancy.
I still feel anger. Anger and grief and shame. My choice was about "can't" and "won't" and yet somedays that "can't" glares so much more intensely. I feel robbed. I feel like my illness took my choice away from me. I wonder if we hadn't gone through what we did if we would've had our second child.
In the end, I feel like it's part of a phase-a process. Today I started to appreciate that I'm hanging around with a bunch of baby-making-aged ladies and it's gonna be a part of the scenery! Guess I didn't think that it would be so upsetting, or that I would be exposed to all those sticky emotions that come with pregnancies-good and bad emotions!
I found an article that seemed to help a little bit. It's a different animal, this type of pregnancy envy. I can't relate exactly to all those struggling with infertility and not having any children and those articles seem to reign supreme.
Anyways. I'm kneeling on our hard dining room floor (I was trying to work with our printer) and these old bones need to move!
Love and hugs.
Happy Trails :o)
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