Roller Coaster Day

Boy howdy-yesterday was a doozy. Luckily the low wasn't that low and I headed it off with a Xanax but it was one of those great days that took a dark turn that I didn't expect.

At first I was having a nice, productive day where I was actually awake when the fiance left for work. I cleaned, watched some Golden Girls, put gas in the car and even got a prescription filled before heading over to my old holiday job to chat and eat pizza with a couple of ye olde ornament elves.

It was great. I don't have many friends up here and it was nice to just sit and chat around a table with other girls for a change (no offense, fiance). Not to mention the fact that one of the ladies has personal experience coping with depression. Both the gals were encouraging and caring but also a great reality check.

I think the most important part of the chat was about focusing on myself and allowing myself the time to heal without any expectations or timelines. I feel immense guilt for being down-and-out or not up to my usual capacity and that guilt really impacts my recovery-keeps dragging me down!

Heck, I feel guilty for not keep the house clean for my cats. I have cat-guilt. I have fiance-guilt. I have family-guilt. I have Hannah's health-guilt. It's a guilt party for ONE.

Anywho, the first half of the day was lovely. I capped off the chat with a visit to the library and then went back home to rest up for yoga. Unfortunately I got some bad news.

The ceremony location that the fiance and I were going to check out next month has been booked for a retreat already. I was devastated. That was one aspect of the wedding I felt that I had in the bag. The one piece of the puzzle already laid down and now I'm thrown  back to square one.

How could this be? Well the guy I was planning with neglected to mention this even though I announced my wedding date in the very first email. Weeks of emails and planning just crumbled.

At first I wasn't in a full-blown attack. I distracted myself with word searches. When the fiance came home I prompted him to read the email and once the discussion began my defenses came down.

I was able to level out and stop the tears long enough to go do yoga at Y but once I came home and tried some trouble-shooting the pressures and stress fell upon me and I was grounded. I grabbed Iroh and retreated to the dark bedroom to relax and eventually popped a Xanax and fell asleep.

Eventually I awoke shortly before 1 am and proceeded to watch movies online and do puzzles until nearly four when I was tired enough to return to bed.

Now I'm drinking coffee at three in the afternoon trying to wake myself up enough to get to PAWS and help some sick kitties.

This wasn't the worst episode ever, but it's just another notch in my broomstick that makes my depression feel like a giant monkey on my back.

I hope there are cute kitties to cuddle tonight :o)