Stupid Uterus! And Boys!

Been feeling the downsides of womanhood this week, lots of cramps, grouchiness, and emotions. Thankfully the hubby is understanding and able to say, "You are being such a pill! but I understand." Ha!

This week jolted me out of my routine a bit so I've been tired and a little disoriented.

Monday evening through Wednesday morning I was in Seattle with family for my sister's birthday. The usual anxiety accompanied my preparation for the trip. While I tried to be kind to myself during the visit I found myself numbing, minimizing, and distancing when the all-too-common jabs took place.

In addition to my family drama, the hubby's side of the clan had some unpleasantness as well. Who knows the whole story, but it seems like a classic case of misunderstanding and false expectations on all sides. Family members have been unfriended and blocked on ye olde F-book and whatever progress they thought had been made toward healthy relations has taken a big loogie to the face.

Since our disappointing and frustrating visit last summer I've dreaded stepping into another snake's nest and yet I can't get the drama off my mind. I'm compelled to express my concern yet terrified of the backlash.

I'm not exactly afraid of whatever mean words would be lobbed at me, but more afraid of my capacity to cope with the emotions and ripple effect they would have on my well being. If I were in a more stable, healthy mental state I'd have no problem coping with someone else's coping/defense mechanisms-but at the moment I'm vulnerable.

My impulse is to offer comfort and try to open dialogue and discussion to air out the bad feelings. Hubby's impulse is pick up the phone and bitch somebody out. Fortunately I talked him down off his phone-attack impulse, but we're still stuck in a whirlwind of emotions.

Play it safe and keep quiet? Bite our tongues and bury our distress? Or speak up and risk making the situation even worse? Pipe up and show we care?

Either option seems to leave a bitter taste in my mouth and pangs of anxiety in my chest. It hurts to be quiet, it's scary to speak up. Guess I'll do some more pondering on this...

***

It's been a few hours since the first half of this posting and the hubby and I have had a chance to talk and go for a walk. I feel like I leave a lot of these pondersome postings out to dry without following up-so here's a follow-up!

After my first post I was inspired to make a card. The hubby got home and said it was a nice card but he didn't want to waste it on a lost cause.

*toot toot* All aboard Hannah's emotional roller coaster!

It was a tough conversation but I think I've learned something very important, hell maybe a few things!

I have been in a "Mrs. Fix-it" role nearly my whole life and I tend to put myself into that role out of bad habit. I was lonely growing up and sad that my extended family wasn't closer and I worry about my family turning out that way-being distant from my siblings and my children not knowing their aunts, uncles, and cousins. 

All that emotional backlog made a snit between my in-laws hit me like a javelin to the gut. 

The hub assured me that things would calm down after a simmering period and eventually relations would regulate themselves and we both came to the conclusion that we don't need to involve ourselves in every family snafu.

Most importantly, I need to resolve my sadness and sense of loss/lacking when it comes to family so I can move on and live the life I have instead of the one I wanted. 

For so many years I was surrounded by shame and disappointment about a family that "wasn't close enough." I don't need to feel that way, and my children won't need to feel that way. 

Families are all different and any sense of lack or disappointment I feel is simply a construct in my mind, a result of certain experiences and conditioning, and I can change that. We will have a fulfilling family life without such hurtful drama if we want to. And I want to.

Guess we'll just have to see where the years take us!