Okay, I'll Just Say It

Okay, I will just say it, "I'm not all right."

The first week after the hubby went back to work I held it together, but after my bad day on the 12th I haven't been back to good. No more cleaning. No more getting out of bed before 9:30 am.

Last night was another bad episode. Crying, numbness, difficulty speaking. Sometimes I can prevent myself from falling completely into despair but too often it feels like the only option is bottoming out and sleeping it off. I think it's connected to some self-punishment habits and my deep rooted feelings of worthlessness.

That worthlessness came up last night during a financial chat-not even a discussion! The hubster happened to say something in a certain way that lead me to feel blame which triggered my worthlessness feelings which triggered an emotional lockdown.

It took close to an hour but eventually I broke. The walls crumbled just enough to let some tears and fractured sentences out for my husband to decode. It was a moment of emotional honesty neither of us were really prepared for, I shared something with him that I hadn't really confronted myself...

He said, "I'm sorry what I said made you feel like it was your fault, like you failed somehow. I know you have problems with perfectionism..."

"Do you know what it means to me when I fail?" I asked, sniffling and fighting back tears.

"Yeah. I know you struggle with trying to be perfect, like life is a pass or fail, no in between. If you're not perfect you don't feel good enough."

"That's not all though, it's more than just feeling worthless." My tears streamed in free fall now, breaking through my mental dam along with the words, "I'm unlovable. If I'm not perfect no one wants me around. I remember when I was younger, I was so lonely, I felt like no one was paying attention to me. I sat in the doorway between the living room and the kitchen playing checkers by myself, hoping at the very least someone would kick me. Just notice me at all. It felt that the only positive attention I got was when I brought home good grades or did something well. And when I did do well my siblings resented me for it, hated being compared to me. I was rejected no matter what I did. You wonder why I struggle with forgiveness and acceptance so much? I don't know acceptance. I have too little experience with acceptance."

He rested a warm hand on my knee, squeezing gently as he heaved a heavy sigh. "I'm sorry. I had no idea. That's horrible. I didn't know."

Silence settled in for a moment as I tried to regain my composure. We both understood something important had just happened. It was just too soon to appreciate the perspective gained. The emotions still ached inside me, everything was too raw, too fresh. When you're bitten by a poisonous snake dealing with the pain comes before learning a lesson.

I suppose my revelation was something of a healing wound. Lancing my soul to drain some poison. Dr. Subconscious cutting to the chase. Not to sell my conscious short, I can navigate some mental mazes quite well but sometimes certain puzzles require a deeper reasoning. I think our minds hold some data back, let it age like a gourmet cheese, only to be released into the light of day when certain internal tumblers align. For whatever reason last night's episode seems to have aligned the final tumblers.

So the emotional pu pu platter before me includes feeling worthless, unlovable, unacceptable. All of those feelings maintained by my longstanding mental patterns of self-hate. Years of blaming and shaming myself for every misstep, reinforcing the belief that I'm unlovable and always withholding forgiveness, all in the pursuit of acceptance.

As a child I learned attention, acceptance, and love were conditional. I see now that it's a flawed premise but it's guided my life for over two decades. I've put others before myself, struggling to say "no" and opting to sacrifice my wellness in an attempt to gain acceptance from others. Quite often I feel a stinging emotional whiplash whenever I do something for myself or "just because I want to." Guilt and shame for taking a reward without accomplishing something.

It's getting old. I'm worn out. I'm tired of living in fear. I'm tired of feeling hopeless. I live my life as a pass/fail class where passing is 98% and 97% or lower is failing. It's a no-win situation and I feel like it's time to leave the game. Time to strike out on my own with some radical acceptance and a no-fail situation.

It's my turn to make up the rules.