Lately I've been thinking that I need to perform a reboot for ME. Laying in bed past 10:00 AM this morning-AGAIN-I found myself thinking, "This has got to stop. It's time for a reboot." Then I wondered, "What does a reboot look like for me?"
I've learned from the hubster that there are soft reboots and hard reboots, and I can recognize both in my coping strategies.
Occasionally I can get back on track with a soft reboot; simply checking in with myself and whisking away negativity with some positive affirmations or good ole logic. Not a big interruption in my day, these soft reboots take seconds or a few minutes and can be performed while doing other things.
When there is a more serious disruption in my emotional state a hard reboot is necessary. I'm talking bubble baths, reading helpful literature, withdrawing from negative input, "Golden Girls" marathon, or reaching out to others for reassurance or counseling. These reboots require time and can't be easily managed while doing other tasks.
Without preventative reboots, my system will crash. A full on episode/breakdown/system crash often involves an involuntary, uncontrolled suspension of my day(s) often accompanied with tears, self-harming thoughts, and suicidal ideation.
In one way these episodes can be helpful. Sort of like a hurricane forces residents to focus on the disaster at hand my episodes force me to confront my mental health. After a hangover period I often find myself refocused on the path to recovery (if I'm lucky).
Of course, a total system crash is NOT preferable to a reboot and causes mental and physical system damage. There is always the risk that a major episode will result in major harm and every episode causes duress to myself and my husband or anyone else privy.
Preventing those crashes is necessary to my well-being, maintaining my relationships, and managing my disease. I can't avoid them all and I experience guilt after episodes that complicates recovery, but reboots and managing my health day by day helps avoid those crashes.
So here I am plotting a reboot to avoid a crash, like so many times before! If I had a computer causing me this much grief I would huck it off the balcony, but seeing as this system is ME I can only recommit to nursing it along and planning upgrades.
Bubble bath, here I come!
I have often used the term Defrag. I always picture that little icon and the tiny coloured boxes flying off of it, getting rid of the unwanted and not needed. I wish it was as easy for me as it is for my computer.
ReplyDelete