Either I'm crazier than I thought or some pregnancy hormones are taking me for a ride today. This morning got off to a bad start with some inexplicably intense anger, not unwarranted just a bit confusing.
Lately I've been super annoyed at the smokers around our unit and the second hand smoke floating into our home. Pisses me off. Well, this morning I got enraged about it and there wasn't even a whiff of smoke! I simply walked into the living room thought to open the backdoor and hesitated because I was afraid of cigarette smoke.
Cue the rage.
Now I've been up and down all day between "woe is me" and "I'm gonna burn this place to the ground!" I feel trapped in my own home and victimized. Once the rage train got rolling I started focusing on all the flaws I could muster about the apartment complex: smoking neighbors, loud neighbors, stray/neglected animals, piles of abandoned furniture and appliances, shitty cabinetry, piss poor painting, lack of ventilation, road noise, car prowlers.
I began thinking that bringing home my crying infant would be a useful form of vengeance! Not to mention the imaginative forms of sabotage and payback I began formulating. I found myself thinking of high school, another raging hormones/angry phase to be sure, and feeling out of control. I couldn't even finish my walk. A big reason was that I was getting hungry and I was only about halfway through my walk but I was also getting really mad at the dog and not calming down at all. Ya know that suggestion, "Walk it off?" well, it was not working for me today.
The anger hijacked my day. When I was not raging I was sad about feeling helpless and abused. Next thing you I'm huddled in the closet swamped in pessimism, thinking "there are no rewards for being a good person" and "people just have to take or fight for what they want and I don't have it in me" or "the system is broken, nothing will ever get better." Such a downer. I feel like a huge, gooey Jabba the Hut of misery sliming around in self pity and angst.
In other news, we seem to have found a new groomer. They didn't do exactly what I expected but they didn't charge as much as I expected so I was okay with it. I'll give them another go and hopefully resolve the stylistic differences.
And I'm currently mildly addicted to the Solitaire game on the computer. Classic.