RELAX! No seriously, CALM DOWN!

Me and tension are so mixed up lately, intertwined like two slugs on a trail, all slime and shades of brown blending together so you can't quite tell who's who...

Basically I can report that I've reduced my anxiety a teeny bit but I am still combating panic attacks and all day tension and fear. Today kicked off with a boatload of worry on top of an evening of poor sleep because of running thoughts and anxiety but things turned out pretty well after the hubs said he would escort me to the NAMI walk I was planning to participate in with friends from the hospital stay this past January. Even though I was excited to see my friends (we keep in touch through a Facebook group) it was anxiety provoking and I was a bit of a mess until the hubster volunteered to go along (it was quite a relief A) knowing he would be there at the event and B) having him drive and deal with parking and navigation).

The walk was sweltering and I sweated like a pig but I had a wonderful time chatting with my hospital buddies and enjoyed getting out and doing something proactive and social, something I felt I haven't done in a long time.

The hubs and I also got to grab coffee at one of our favorite cafes and I even had a lovely individual excursion (ran into a grocery store solo to grab lunch fixins) where I chatted with a funny deli lady and a friendly checkout lady. There were moments where I wasn't stuck in my head or body fretting over my anxiety and I actually did calm down for a bit and enjoy life-WHICH IS WONDERFUL!

It's tough but I'm trying my darndest to hold space for this delightful moments to build on themselves and for my calmness and joy to increase. Things are certainly still challenging but I notice little improvements overall in my well being and I'm very grateful for this even as I battle fears and tears and challenging moods.

A big challenge is the feeling of being a stranger in my own life. Having been down for so long I've lost a sense of self, a sense of familiarity with my personality, my likes and dislikes, my hobbies, even what I like to cook (making a simple spaghetti sauce felt like a novel adventure Thursday!). It's quite sad feeling like I've lost myself and I struggle not to feel overwhelmed by the prospect of rediscovering myself but as I said, I'm trying to hold some safe space for such things as I sort through feelings of loss and frustration and intimidation and beyond!

I also must say a few words about feeling like I've fallen out of my comfort zone even here, not writing or commenting as much as I feel I "usually" do but I'm trying not to overthink it and just let the blogging rhythm wax and wane as it naturally will... *deep sigh*

Lots of hurry up and wait lately, such mixed up feelings it brings! but I think I'm on the right track, so that's good.



Did I mention it's way too hot here and I'm dreading this summer already? Ugh! Me no likey! *poutyface*

Words for Wednesday-on Thursday!

I have fallen into a funk it seems and haven't been writing very much. Today I am struggling with some tension and anxiety so I thought I would try and occupy myself with a writing exercise!

This month's writing prompts are being provided by River and this week's are as follows:

Copious

Executive

Remember

Question

Undrinkable

Optimum

And/Or:

Bear

Deadly

Phase 

Employees

Unproven

Procedure

And/Or:

'but it was never enough'

 

Copious tension wove through my body while my husband focused on typing yet another dumbed down email to a well-meaning executive. He sat across from me at the dining table that served as our communal desk, a bowl of Cheerios secondary to his work responsibilities. 

I tried to remember the last morning I had woken up and felt relaxed or cheerful and couldn't summon up the occasion. There was no question I was in the midst of another mental health battle with my slew of miserable days running together in such a long string I had begun to forget the happier version of myself. 

I sighed and felt my body slump with frustration. My husband eyed me over his laptop and sipped at the coffee I had just deemed undrinkable. 

"What has you so anxious this morning?"

I shrugged, shook my head, and frowned as tears welled behind my eyes.

"You're gonna be okay. It's okay." He set the coffee mug down and I watched concern wash over his freckled face.

"I'm just so worn out."

We met each other's eyes and sighed together. We were both worn out. My being sick had been wearing us both down, not to mention the toddler getting the best of us day in and day out. Optimum conditions were set for breakdowns and we were barely hanging on to our slight progress. Surviving in such conditions is an achievement in itself but when you've been struggling for so long you forget what feeling okay feels like it makes it easy to lose sense of where success is.

I sighed again as tears teetered on my eyelids. I was worn out, I was tired, I was frustrated, but most of all I wanted to be able to give back to my husband instead of constantly taking support from him while I struggled. A tiny part of me clung to the hope that I would be able to spoil him soon and give back the care and concern he had shown me the past nine months.

"I love you," I said, gazing into his sleepy morning eyes.

"I love you too," he replied with grin.

I grinned.

Thanks for reading, I sort of used "Words for Wednesday" as a portal for my own feelings and needs this week. Somehow the word list suited my state of being this morning and I did not see that coming!

I haven't been commenting and reading as much this week but I have been thinking of my blogging buddies and I hope that everyone is doing all right in their own ways and journeys.