Me and tension are so mixed up lately, intertwined like two slugs on a trail, all slime and shades of brown blending together so you can't quite tell who's who...
Basically I can report that I've reduced my anxiety a teeny bit but I am still combating panic attacks and all day tension and fear. Today kicked off with a boatload of worry on top of an evening of poor sleep because of running thoughts and anxiety but things turned out pretty well after the hubs said he would escort me to the NAMI walk I was planning to participate in with friends from the hospital stay this past January. Even though I was excited to see my friends (we keep in touch through a Facebook group) it was anxiety provoking and I was a bit of a mess until the hubster volunteered to go along (it was quite a relief A) knowing he would be there at the event and B) having him drive and deal with parking and navigation).
The walk was sweltering and I sweated like a pig but I had a wonderful time chatting with my hospital buddies and enjoyed getting out and doing something proactive and social, something I felt I haven't done in a long time.
The hubs and I also got to grab coffee at one of our favorite cafes and I even had a lovely individual excursion (ran into a grocery store solo to grab lunch fixins) where I chatted with a funny deli lady and a friendly checkout lady. There were moments where I wasn't stuck in my head or body fretting over my anxiety and I actually did calm down for a bit and enjoy life-WHICH IS WONDERFUL!
It's tough but I'm trying my darndest to hold space for this delightful moments to build on themselves and for my calmness and joy to increase. Things are certainly still challenging but I notice little improvements overall in my well being and I'm very grateful for this even as I battle fears and tears and challenging moods.
A big challenge is the feeling of being a stranger in my own life. Having been down for so long I've lost a sense of self, a sense of familiarity with my personality, my likes and dislikes, my hobbies, even what I like to cook (making a simple spaghetti sauce felt like a novel adventure Thursday!). It's quite sad feeling like I've lost myself and I struggle not to feel overwhelmed by the prospect of rediscovering myself but as I said, I'm trying to hold some safe space for such things as I sort through feelings of loss and frustration and intimidation and beyond!
I also must say a few words about feeling like I've fallen out of my comfort zone even here, not writing or commenting as much as I feel I "usually" do but I'm trying not to overthink it and just let the blogging rhythm wax and wane as it naturally will... *deep sigh*
Lots of hurry up and wait lately, such mixed up feelings it brings! but I think I'm on the right track, so that's good.
Did I mention it's way too hot here and I'm dreading this summer already? Ugh! Me no likey! *poutyface*