The Weekend Cometh Early

Yesterday evening I had orientation at PAWS in Lynnwood. I still have to train before I can actively volunteer but I learned a lot about PAWS and it got me out of the house on my own for something other than yoga!

The orientation was three hours and was pretty fun. It got me excited to volunteer but it was also a little intimidating. I feel silly for being intimidated, since the commitment is only for three hours once a week for three months and I am not working. Yet the anxiety gnat is whirring around my head.

I'm anxious about fitting in, I'm anxious about being a good volunteer, I'm anxious about being enough of an "animal person," I'm anxious about the fact that I gave the impression I wanted to work with wildlife and now I want to start with helping cats. I'm anxious. It doesn't all make sense or seem logical, but I'm anxious. 

Part of my mind tells me, "Yo. You're volunteering, they will appreciate any help you can give-they will appreciate your showing up-PERIOD! Not to mention you have a good work ethic and history of being a reliable and responsible person." 

And then the anxiety gnat buzzes in and cuts muddles up my logic when fear and imagined shortcomings. 

Ain't that just lovely?

I know that everybody gets anxiety and everybody has naggy voices in their heads, but I feel like A) my depressive tendencies and/or B) the perfectionism in my personality makes for sheer madness! I really don't think I should have to amp myself up to get out the door and to a grocery store or an orientation or to volunteer for three hours once a week or to a yoga class. But here I am.

I know I can't be the only one with these feelings. Not only the anxiety and difficulty getting out of the house but also the self-criticism and resentment of those hang-ups. Yet I find myself swamped with shame and isolating feelings-like I'm somehow defective.

So here's what I'm going to try. I'm going to try ignoring should for a while. Who really determines the shoulds in my mind anyway? Everyday I'm harping on myself with internal dialogue full of shoulds, and the shoulds aren't even all my ideas! 

Some shoulds are from magazines or commercials-I should look like I only eat leafy greens and drink Vitamin Water, I should wear short-shorts and have a scrumptiously apple-shaped bum-some other shoulds are from my family-I should never throw ANYTHING lest I break something because I am inherently and irrevocably klutzy and there's nothing I can do about it-and so on, and so on.

It breaks me down. It hurts me and kills my spirit and the worse part is-my mind is the problem. It's an inside job! It's not just "depression" or "perfectionism," it's the way my mind is programmed. And let me tell you, it's a bitch to reprogram your mind!

I've read some helpful books, but in the end the solution is hard work and mindfulness. There is no magic pill or shrink to fix me, I simply have to recognize the bad programming, decode the error message, and replace a bad mental habit with a good one. 

Talk about a big project!

So, I'm anxious. But I'm going to try to expunge the shoulds and take it day-by-day. *ohm* Hannah should not be anything-she simply is!

And now-my weekend begins early. My mom and brother are here to whisk me away south. The fiance and I had a farewell brekkie together this morning as we'll be doing our own things til Sunday. Sounds like I've got some painting to help with and he's got Mt. Adams to climb. 

To each his/her own! I just hope the cats get along all right while we're out of the house!