Where I am This Wednesday

It is Wednesday, August 3rd. Two weeks since my talk with Wanda and nearly two weeks since my first appointment with the ARNP in Seattle and getting back on antidepressants. And so far I'm doing a lot better.

No, I'm not stellar by any means, but I am trying to appreciate the changes I have made. I've been getting out to yoga, being creative again, and even had a few moments of bliss that I've been missing for a long time. Things are brightening up and I'm taking it all a day at a time.

The fiance and I were talking the other night and I told him how awesome he has been and how thankful I am that he has taken such good care of me even though I've been a bitch at times and distant and just a depressed mess. And while I know he was glad to hear this aloud, what sticks with me from that conversation was his follow up comment about how bad off I was--just how low things got.

That got me thinking.

Perspective is a tough thing. We struggle with it throughout our entire lives and it's a very powerful capacity. Thinking about where I am now and where I was a few weeks ago-that's something to put into perspective!

Last month, I was ready to die. Last month, I just wanted to lay on the floor and melt into a dark abyss. There were nights when I was literally incapacitated by anxiety and my depression. I was nearly dropping glasses, bumping into walls, unable to speak, crumpling to the floor, and my only solace came from the resolution that somehow, someday soon I would end the pain and take my life. My body would only relax once I accepted the "inevitability" that soon, it would all be over for good.

It was that bad. I was suicidal. There is no way around that fact-I was suicidal. Period.

No one wants to say that. No one wants to wear that badge or accept that as part of their identity. No one wants to be broken or dysfunctional (and suicidal is pretty dysfunctional!). But putting things in perspective, that is something I need to appreciate and acknowledge and KNOW deep down in my gut that I was suicidal, that that was a serious reality in my life and everyday I grow away from that pain and desperation is a good day and a successful day.

Last month, I was suicidal. This month, I am feeling better and definitely NOT suicidal. Yes, I have a ways to go, but I'm checked-in, I'm living and working toward something better.

In other news: MOTHS!

This was outside our apartment yesterday and it is AWESOME! Biggest moth I've seen up here (MO is another story...).  This picture doesn't quite do it justice, but I found another online that I think is similar or the same species?

Eyed Hawk Moth?

Isn't that torso part cool!? It reminds me of Insectosaurus from "Monsters vs. Aliens."

Anywho-another cool "moth" is the radio program on NPR-The Moth Radio Hour. They have people tell real life stories on stage for an audience and it is wonderful. Sometimes sad, sometimes funny, always genuine and a great listen! Check out The Moth!

Now I'm going to get back to stripping a piece of furniture so the fiance and I can repaint it! :o)