Last Night Was Darker Than Usual

Last night was a bad night.

Interestingly the evening started out all right with Golden Girls and dinner and a walk.

On the way home we started talking about me and this job thing. Before long things went beyond downhill.

It started with me crying in the shower and ended with me suicidal. 

I should've seen it coming when I started chain-watching Golden Girls earlier in the day when I really wanted to be working my way through a six-pack. Later, I ended up drinking Kahlua and coffee wanting to get work off my mind. 

Not good.

No, I didn't get drunk but the fact that I wanted to is a flag.

This suicidal episode basically boiled down to thinking that I don't have a place in this world, that I can't cope with working, that I'll never "get my act together" and that I don't deserve to live.

I laid down in bed with my eyes closed, refusing to talk while the hub asked if I was safe, what I was thinking. I wasn't safe. I was suicidal, planning to clean the house and donate my things the next day and not come home.

Somehow the hubby got through to me, got me talking again and we agreed that I shouldn't go back to this job. He stayed by me this morning when I made the call. I left a resignation voice mail.

I realized the timing of this episode matched those I had so often the last couple of years. Late Sunday night. For whatever reason, that's my danger zone (or one of them.)

The hubster tried to reassure me this morning that I made the right decision but I still feel like a worthless bum.