Bad Days Start The Night Before

This is usually the case for me-a bad day put in motion by a bad night.

Last night I couldn't sleep. It wasn't my usual tossing and turning, I was nearly convulsing with pent up energy and frustration, anger and grief. My head hurt and my mind was racing. I must've sat straight up or on the edge of the bed with my head in my hands half-a-dozen times before the hubster got me Xanax and water.

Eventually I calmed down and fell asleep.

Then this morning he tried to get me out of bed to go take a walk with the dog.

It didn't go well.

I don't remember all the ins and outs but he ended up pulling me out of bed onto the floor and I ended up curling into a defensive fetal position as he grappled with me trying to get me up.

It hurt. I felt bullied. It reminded me of my mom forcing me to exercise or telling me over and over again what I already know and just can't seem to do for myself.

Wasn't long before I broke. Sobbing and tucking myself into as tight a blob I could manage pressed into the corner between mattress and carpet.

"It's true." I mumbled, thinking that it was finally for certain that I was worthless, that I wasn't enough and I never would be. "I knew it." My feeling of loneliness and isolation was finally complete with his betrayal. He'd given up on me, I'd finally broken his resolve, tapped out his reserve of patience and love. I was officially the lost cause I'd felt like for the last 9 months.

The next few hours I didn't make any eye contact and hardly spoke. Hobbled around as my body ached and lurched following my mental/physical break at my bedside.

He tried to apologize. I hardly acknowledged. I drank some water and watched Iroh eat kibble. Laid on the floor while he took the dog out for a potty break.

At some point he drew a bath for me and I made it into the hot water, hardly soothed but eventually I laid back and even fell asleep (only to wake up to a horrible crick in my neck).

The rest of the day was slow and dysfunctional. I stressed about a dinner date with my parents but it ended up being the highlight of my day.

It was nice to get out and chat, but I can't help wondering how aware they are of my problems. If tomorrow I lost it completely and offed myself how shocked those around me would be, if they would see it coming at all, understand how I've struggled lately, or if they assume I have a normal functional life like I assume everyone else around me has.