Update

Today was a rough day. I broke down in the car crying on the way home from gym three or four times. Thoughts and images of suicide haunting me.

 I had enough perspective that I was able to text the hubster once I got home. As we spoke on the phone I broke down sobbing and nearly hyperventilating. As I tried to speak to my husband my son pushed my legs and directed me to the bedroom urging me to get into bed and blowing me kisses saying "all better." 

 It was gut wrenching seeing my toddler trying to take care of me and seeing how he knew that when I have mental health issues to put in bed because he seen his father cart me off and tuck me in so many times before. 

 After shower I was able to calm down and focused on feeding us lunch. After that I spent a lot of time on the couch trying to recover some strength and dozing while BB played on his own. 

Im not out of the woods yet and I'm in a better place than this morning. Got a call into the psychiatrist about ECT and jumping through some hoops to get back in for treatment. Hopefully next week.

Going on two weeks now. We knew it was a relapse-not an acite episode-even though we really hoped it wouldn't be full-on.

Here we are again. One step at a time. Fighting for hope and faith. Doing what I can.

The holidays were tough and triggering. Probably had a lot to do with my failing mood. Even so, not all bad. Good memories.

Love and hugs.

Cute Coffee Date

BB was very thrilled with his warm cocoa topped with whipped cream and sprinkles!

On a sadder note I relapsed pretty hard earlier this week... hurt myself and have some painful scabs now. Narrowly avoided the ER or otherwise because the hubster stepped up and took charge and kept me safe.

In contact with the ECT docs and taking things easy with a heavy dose of caution. Have had great support from my gym buddy and have kept up with my workouts despite the big bumps.

Side note: that trail derailment in WA state? Right in my daily route to the gym. One hour before we are usually passing under that bridge. 

Messed up our whole week although thankfully not as deadly as first expected and rather hand duly cleaned up. I was very impressed wth first responders, local support and blood donations, as well as the clean up crew.

Love and thoughts for the holidays-wishing all wellness and wonderful times <3 

PS thanks for the cards!!! Love em!

Donated!

Hair... that is. ;o) Just in time for weather below feeezing!

Been some rough days-well, patches mixed in with okay-ness. Confusing and concerning. Day by day. 

School has been fun so far although stressful. Lots of adjustments to be made!

Bittersweet Romance

I found myself crying on the toilet last night.

After Baby Bananaface had gone to bed the hubster and I found ourselves talking about our past. Our courtship. Our memories. Maybe, more accurately, his memories. I couldn't remember the vast majority of events, moments, excursions, and sweet nothings that he described.

My memory loss usually only comes up in passing. Often, I will feel bad about not remembering such cherished stories. Sometimes, he will feel frustrated and sad as well. Rarely, he lets it show and last night was one of those nights.

Our chat continued into the bedroom and into the darkness. At one point bringing us to the topic of love notes. Apparently I wrote many in our early days and the hubby keeps most of them in a little box. He brought out he box and we sifted through them all.

It was a bittersweet exercise. Seeing all those notes and doodles and revisiting that era of new love. Reading about our adventures as well as the struggles. The hubster describing the sparse furniture featured in our first apartment. My apologies for symptoms of yet-diagnosed disorders.

I could count on one hand the things I actually remembered. After we had read them all he asked, "Did that jog any memories?" I shook my head and shrugged, "Not really. No." My eyes teared up and his brow furrowed. He tried to comfort me and tell me that some of the memories could still back. Grief was in his eyes and lumped in my throat.

Rolling over in the bed, I excused myself and trudged to the bathroom. Tears gathered on my cheeks before I cleared the hallway. By the time I finished peeing I was smothering sudden short-lived sobs.

It was a brief, deep grieving. In that moment I wasn't just acknowledging the loss, I was recognizing the countless moments over the past couple years that the hubs had accommodated my memory loss, supplied information, or concealed his own frustrations and sadness. We try not to spend too much time thinking on it and that seems to work alright-most of the time.

Most of the time.

We're okay with that.

Even if we don't have the memories to share, we still have the love.

Little Interview....

My brain is pretty scrambled, but I think I can manage this little interview I found over at Joey's Pad.

Here are the 6 questions for this week:


1. Tradition...how tightly do you cling to tradition when it comes to holiday gatherings and celebrations? For instance do you always do the cooking, never eat at home, always go to grandma's, never miss the parade, always watch football, never change the menu, always eat at 2 PM, etc.? Have you ever celebrated Christmas or Thanksgiving away from hearth, home, and family? How did that feel?

I used to be much more attached to traditions. Now that the hubs and I are developing our own, things have become loosey-goosey. I tried to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and we agitated and repulsed and bored. I no longer feel compelled to bake for days on end-certainly not seasonal items that I don't even like much and are "have-tos." Fuck "have-tos." (Yes, I'm cranky)

I celebrated Thanksgiving on my own this year. Well, not really celebrated, I was just home, alone, on that day. It felt strange and a little lonely at first, then I started a to-do list and went with the flow. It was nice to have no strings!

Wondering what the future holds for our traditions... I love to host and holidays are also deeply personal to me. Being unable to accommodate my in-laws and not wanting my family around complicates things! IDK We shall see. 

I know I wanna do advent calendar and the pickle with BB for sure though :o)


2. Help...is it easy for you to ask for help or are you a do-it-yourselfer? How is that a good/bad thing?

I'm mostly a do-it-yourselfer although I quite often ask people instead of Googling something for myself, which can be a bit opposite... anyways. It's usually a good thing-I get things done. It can be really bad when I shame myself not being capable or wanting help and struggling when my inner voice tells me to suck it up. More and more I am asking for help or delegating and saying "no." I like it :o)


3. Abundance...what is there an abundance of in your kitchen?

Spices. And white washcloths. 


4. Name...the smallest thing you're thankful for? the biggest?

Smallest: Atoms.

Biggest: Love.


5. Key...What do you think is the key to living a more grateful life?

Mindfulness and releasing judgments and embracing the perspective that everything in our world exists on a spectrum. I don't think I'm exactly practicing gratitude when I practice radical acceptance and police my judgments, although I think it facilitates a more grateful and satisfying life for me. So I'm gonna stick with that.


6. State your own random thought here.

It's okay that I struggle with certain symptoms of my disorders... I've been self-conscious recently about my difficulty gauging proper social boundaries and trying to conduct myself in "appropriate" ways and holding my tongue or not sharing my true feelings or thoughts. I'm coming to a place where I'm okay not knowing what to do. Over the years, I might pick up on more things. If not, okay. I am who/what I am. I'm not my disorder, and still, it's part of me. That's okay. I don't have to mold myself to a cultural standard. I can just do me. People love and accept me for that, and those that don't-screw 'em.

That said, I'm gonna try to not be quite as vulgar in public... ;o)


Thinking of you all and hoping you're well! I managed to read a couple blogs just now and now I need to get away from computers for a bit.

Be well :o)

Happy Turkey Day

BB is looking so mature! Still, loves his Duplos and Play-Doh and Grandma's yeast rolls.

Grateful for all of you and wishing of all my American friends a happy Thanksgiving. 

This year our family is apart-then hubs and B.B. on the other side of the state while I'm home. It was the only way to make the cost of a car rental worth it and make sure I get all the hours at work possible.

So far, so good. Little sad and missing my boys but keeping busy.

A year...

Hi Again

It's been a little over a week now since the hubster got laid off.

It's been rocky and at sometimes suspiciously smooth. A confusing mash of understanding and support jumbled up with grief and misdirected anger.

Already having been in the midst of a recovery period and trying to regain some of the balance I lost during the summer living with my family makes me feel more vulnerable. Not that unemployment at any stage of stability wouldn't be a nuke on anyone's life.

There has been some down swings along with a few upswings. The more problematic symptom has been anger. Outbursts, violence, bickering, and eventually the shame and sadness that usually follow my angry moments.

Thankfully the violence has been limited to slamming my fists on a table, flicking or throwing something (not at anyone or to break anything), and yelling. It's still embarrassing and I know that it stresses Baby Bananaface. The hubs and I aren't used to this level of... angst and expression. Being the types that don't just let things lie means that we struggle to shelve things in order to discuss them in a more appropriate way. Things just erupt wherever and whenever.

Even during these rough times, we know that we are committed to one another and strive to improve. We know things will get there. Baby steps.

The holidays are coming.

My nephew's birthday is Saturday. We haven't heard of any party or anything. Wouldn't be surprised if we weren't invited, or invited last minute with the hope of us not being able to make it sort of thing.

We are going to send him a gift and card in the mail tomorrow, just in case.

The journeys across state for Thanksgiving and Christmas are a little worrying. Expenses and potty training complicate things. Our little commuter car isn't something we like to drive over the pass-let alone put more miles on-and we hate to spend money on a rental right now. We shall see how things work out.


Off to errands and chores.

Thank you for commenting! I'm sorry that I can't respond to everyone lately or read around. I do miss everyone and look forward to catching up more thoroughly soon :o)

So.

Hubster got laid off.

Handled it pretty well day-of and stumbling a bit now. I think that's reasonable and I'm trying to stay calm and work through it.

A Few Things

A) Had a happy anniversary yesterday. There were certainly some "aaagh!" moments (read: potty training & toddler parenting & WTF is a potato doin' tasting like that) and overall it was a good day.

I got the chores done that I wanted to and when the hubs came home I felt like I had "made the home" for him. I had on a dress I know he likes and he walked in with a big smile and a nearly-as-big bouquet for me.

Roses-but-not-roses per my usual taste ;o)

We had special steak from the butcher and after dinner we went to Freddy's and checked Baby Bananaface into the childcare for what we hope would be nearly an hour of "us" time strolling about the store with some java.

Well. We've been potty training, as I mentioned, and BB started dropping the "potty" word. We got paged. I went through the trouble of taking him to the bathroom and stripping down his bottom half to get him on the toilet. He just ran around bare-assed, giggling and evading the pants in my hands.

Yuck-y. Washed those socks right when we got home. *facepalm*

Ended the evening wrapped in fuzzy throws on the couch watching some "Forged in Fire" and mumbling on in pleasant, exhausted conversation littered with tangents...

B)  Let the record show:

I can't remember exactly what I was "right" about.... that's not as important as the hubster's words immortalized on video! (Hoping it plays right... me/technology/ack)


C) I know we got some fellow word nerds around here and I'm wondering what the thoughts and feels are about this bit of internet discussion:

It's apart of economic bulimia, society binges on all of the latest and greatest trends, resulting in a purge into landfills. So they can consume again ostentatiously trying to manifest some artificial semblance of happiness.

Some of the word choices perked my eyebrow. I agree with the gist, there's just something about the delivery that scrunches my brow. Thoughts?

Some pics

Reminded me of a cherished fellow blogress:

"Black Dog" stood out to me so starkly!

The hubs found me napping and apparently I dragged some undies over my eyes for a blindfold instead of hitting the lights. Thankfully, they were clean.

The Univerae shamed me for my Frappucino indulgence! 

Moving Pics

Going, going, going

Stealing a few moments for a quick update.

Overall move has gone smoothly, although I did have a dip Friday night. Started having hopeless thoughts and flashes of suicidal ideation. At nighttime I was so upset that I couldn't sleep in our bed, so I took my Lunesta and my Ativan and laid on the couch with my girls. The hubster came out in the middle of the night sometime and carried me back to bed.

I'm still feeling unstable and struggling between forging ahead and slowing down to try and right myself. The past couple weeks I took it slow at CrossFit and while it helped my TOS symptoms a bit, I don't think it did me any favors in regard to mood.

I don't know. And the holidays coming up. I just. Ugh. One day at a time.


Side note, I had a nasty nightmare last night that involved my dad putting a hit out on me. I was fleeing the hit men and found my mother in a library (yeah, no clue there). I tried to explain the situation and ask for help and she acted clueless and dismissed me. Part of me felt like she was just, um, whatchya call it, "plausible deniability?"

Anyways. Ended up getting help from a stranger with a big boat. It was in a field. On a trailer. Somehow we started it up and drove off... on land. On a trailer. No clue. I do recall that we pulled down cheap window covers so the sharpshooters couldn't see in, so we were driving blind.

Lots of symbolism there. I have said to the hubby multiple times how it felt like my parents didn't care if I lived or died. Felt like they were killing me while we lived with them... brought back memories from growing up. With my skewed perception sometimes I would see it as a type of neglect and other times it seemed more intentional.

Hurtful either way.


Baby Bananaface has been doing pretty well adjusting. Much more hard on me getting used to being with him all day! I am planning on creating a concrete schedule to help us both, chore time included.


On top of all this I am trying to keep pace on my online course for the public speaking credit. The plan is to wrap it up and start my MA in November. At this point, I am considering December. Still need to get financial aid going and I'm worried about stabilizing... TBD


Sad that I haven't been able to keep up with everyone's blogs. I will try to read soon and catch up. In the meantime though, I have chores to finish, my hair to do, and an afternoon at the pumpkin patch to prepare for (cue the mud and booger smears).


Thinking of y'all and hoping you are well :o)

Paired

First thing I noticed about Baby Bananaface when I pulled him up in my arms were his feet... "He has my feet!" 

We actually share a mild form of a hereditary malformation called polysyndactyly which causes a larger gap between our big toes and the rest of our toes.

Makes wearing flip flops a bit challenging and can also come in quite handy for picking things up with our feet! I will teach him well.

<3

Update: moving has commenced. I am a bit detached although I know the stress and shock will probably settle in a week or so after... I'm braced for it and we will have to wait and see! 

Hi Again

It's been awhile. Life has been whirling and I've been day-to-day, focusing on staying steady.

Feels strange to be on this screen again... familiar and yet not quite cozy. I'm going to try something a little different and we'll see what happens as I write this update!


A) AMBIGUITY - This is always a part of life and lately I've had a few scenarios in which I have had to mindfully accept ambiguity.

One has to do with CrossFit and a coach there. I have been experiencing anxiety wondering if she will be at the gym or if she will punish us before class or say something mean or look at me in that uniquely punitive and demeaning fashion.

That's my safe space and it's being threatened. I am not sure if she is simply going through a rough time (and even so I'm not sure if I can manage to empathize enough to counter balance my distress) or if this is just how she is going to be. I have considered trying other class times but fear losing connection with my new friends... we shall see.

Another case of ambiguity relates to my husband's family. There has been conflict between the siblings on-and-off for years. At the moment there seems to be a flare up regarding his brother. We had a good visit with him and his daughter and plan to maintain a neutral position while the sisters muster their forces.

There had been plans for the entire family to get together this Christmas. Now that's in the air. I don't like ambiguity with big holidays or events, so I hope it gets ironed out soon regardless of the plan-I just need to know!


B) BRIGHT EYES - I got some good news!

I have applied for grad school in order to obtain a Master's in Teaching-English. I didn't realize at the time that my individual classes would be evaluated and that my degree all by itself wasn't a golden ticket! When the enrollment counselor mentioned this I was very anxious to see if my classes would meet prerequisite requirements and whether or not I would have many courses to complete before my program classwork could commence.

Well, the evaluation came back and I was only short three requirements. I submitted course descriptions and syllabi and got two of those classes applied as well! All that remains is a public communications class because I decided to take "Interpersonal Communication" during high school instead of a 101 class...

Whatever. I am quite pleased! My hope of beginning the program before the year still glimmers... with a self-paced class I should be able to bang out that public speaking credit pretty durn quick.


C) CONFLICT - While things have simmered a bit in regards to my living situation, there has been increased tension between my folks.

It seems to be cooling a bit now. Last week it was more troublesome. My mother usually stuffs her frustrations with  my father and his consistent absence and neglect. Every once in a while she will boil over and this time that meant bickering with my dad as well as snapping at my sister and generally losing her cool.

The conflict is stressful for me even if I'm not directly involved. As far as tension with the hubs and I directly, things have been pretty quiet. We gave notice and have a moving date and I think everyone has just been biding their time. Awkward at times, but better overall.


D) DAGNABBIT - I am still navigating injuries. My shoulder and some wee tendons/muscles in my upper arm are bothering me on my right side. My right ankle is still healing up. My left shoulder/arm are still bothering me in regards to my thoracic outlet syndrome (numbness, tingling, weakness). I am also quite tense in my chest and shoulders which means icing and heating pad and stretching and... ugh. It's one thing dialing it down at gym, it's another when just LIVING is a challenge and uncomfy/painful.

Another dagnabbit... had a panic attack today. Damn box jumps. Wasn't completely awful. Couple minutes running cold water over my wrists and splashing my face, mindful breathing, and censoring judgments helped get me back to right.


Well. I have to get ready for my occupational therapy appointment now. I hope that I can make more time for blogging and not only read and comment but post more too! It's... it's good. Need to get back on this horse!

Thanks for being here readers-TTFN :o)

Catching Up

Feels like it's been too long since my last post. I have had so many different ideas for posts between then and now. I'm sure that I won't be able to post them all (I've forgotten some ideas already, I'm sure) so I'll just throw together a variety into a "Catching Up" post and call it good!



How am I doing? 

Not awful and not great. The hubs told my folks that we'll be moving out at the end of the month and I feel like the dynamic has changed a bit. Either way, I was pretty stressed spending more time with my family the last few days. We did have a pretty good time a local fair:

Anxiety levels are up. Garbled speech. Tears at CrossFit. Bickering with the hubs. Suppressed appetite combined with comfort eating. I've been able to cling to an awareness that it's my illness although I'm quite aware that I could easily slip into a dangerous space in a moment's notice. Last night I began feeling like I wanted to wander off down the street to escape stress and I was able to catch the thought and navigate out of that danger zone.



What's new?

September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness month here in the US and I wanted to do something special on my Facebook page. Instead of one special post, I'm going to post several times about suicide prevention. I haven't shared anything specific about my personal story, although I feel like I will at some point.

It's still quite taboo. My first family won't really talk about it. I can talk openly about it with the hubs and my in-laws though. I make it a point to be open with friends and acquaintances about my experiences and where I'm coming from too. I try not to overshare (even when suffering from social anxiety my mouth seems to have a tendency to just keep moving) and I also don't beat around the bush.

Going through what I went through and having felt so lonely and rejected for so many years I feel compelled to act as an advocate. I think it's a part of me that I wasn't quite aware of before, because while breastfeeding I acted as an advocate as well! Hmm... Anyways. Sharing my story has been mostly well received so far. Sometimes there are awkward moments-sure-overall I've had positive experiences.

Also, re-injured my ankle. Still nursing the thoracic outlet syndrome issues too. Frustrating.

That kinesia-whatever tape AIN'T NO JOKE!

Any plans?

I have plans to hang out with a gal from CrossFit and her son (whom BB adores) outside of gym. I'm not only excited to hang out for fun's sake, I'm excited to be practicing my social skills! We've already ventured out after CrossFit a couple times with other moms and kiddos. Even went to a happy hour with some other adults one evening with the hubs. Baby steps :o)

I've also made plans to meet up with a friend up north to go check out a glass pumpkin patch. I'm excited! I suspected that I had wanted to do this for a long time and hadn't been able to (the hubby confirmed this for me) so I'm happy to finally get around to it. I love glass art and I think it'll be a great way to break into fall.

Pending plans also regarding my schooling... I sent in transcripts and am waiting to hear back from an online college whether or not my degree includes all the pre-reqs they want in order to begin my Master's in Teaching-English.



Feel like life's a bit messy right now. Spinning a lot of plates and such. Bit hectic and confusing and feeling out of control, but I'm able to set that aside and let things roll. I'm doing what I can and I don't want to get caught up in the details. One thing at a time. Momentum will keep things going, I don't need to manage each tiny thing!


I hope.... ;o)



Happy September and I hope to do some catching up on other blogs very soon!

Identities

I'm sure I've written about this before here. It comes up rather often for me, so it may just be a recurring theme in my life! As the hubster just comforted me, "It's the BPD. You have identity issues." That's okay.

So.

This morning as the hubster, Baby Bananaface, and I were eating brekkie we overheard my sister talking to her baby daddy about their mutual birthday gift idea for my nephew. He'll be turning two this fall and they've decided to go in on a motorized miniature Humvee for him. Not our style or something we see as appropriate for a child that age (or even BB's age).

Shortly thereafter I was in the shower and found myself playing out a scene in my head. It got me wondering if my sister sees our different parenting styles in a competitive light. I hope this isn't so as much as I struggle with insecurity and competitiveness, so I understand how she might feel.

The competitive conflict triggered my identity insecurities. While the initial trigger was related to parenting styles, I found myself thinking about my labels. I have embodied a klutzy fat girl persona for so many years it seems as much a part of me as my "Eeyore" identity in my family.

These labels, these judgments, stem from comparison and either/or thinking. In my case, the teasing and criticism over the years has reinforced and amplified these issues; I believe it's a symptom of my family's insecurities...

I've been seeing it come up at my gym among other places. Living with my family has made it extremely hard to avoid backsliding into those negative cycles and cowing to their teasing. I know part of me is my humor, there are more and more times of late when it comes up as a defense mechanism. Being around my family has made me slip back into my klutzy, fat girl routine. Even if I don't finish last or lift the lightest weight, I feel like the CrossFit caboose. I play down my abilities, doubt myself, and get caught up in chronic comparisons.

The constant internal critiquing is exhausting and debilitating. I had made a lot of progress with my self-confidence the past several months before moving here. Lately, it's been hard to stay comfortable in my body and appreciate the changes since I started working out.

My family may be varsity athletes, collegiate-level athletes, and nationally ranked athletes. That doesn't mean that I can't be athletic too.

I suffer from chronic depressive episodes. That doesn't mean that I can't be a happy person.

I carry extra weight. That doesn't mean that I have to ashamed and self-conscious.

There are so many negative habits from my first family that I have to fight back. These are just some of those habits that have become tangled up in my disorders.

It can be so confusing and destabilizing! No wonder I have to write it out from time to time ;o)


Wishing everyone a happy weekend! As far as my health status of late, I've been feeling much safer although the hubs and I keenly aware of my fragile status and susceptibility right now. We've been working in more time out of the house and avoiding triggers. Our backup plan involves me moving in my in-laws for a bit if things get dangerous again.

<3

Back on the horse.

Today has been a better day and I'm not wasting much time when it comes to looking forward and making positive changes.

Recommitting to my health means a lot of work in many different realms. Mind, body, and soul-it's all connected and I need to reestablish a healthy balance. So here's some stuff I've recommitted to working on:

1.  Physical health.

I twisted my ankle over a month ago and haven't let it recuperate fully. I've also been experiencing progressive numbness and tingling in my arms, wrist pain, and difficulties grasping or pinching for several weeks now. 

My primary care provider suspected carpal tunnel and then a coach suggested that I look into thoracic outlet syndrome and wouldn't ya know it! Spot on. I saw an occupational therapist yesterday and boy howdy. Talk about some good hurt.

It's gonna take a while to heal up and I have to make long term changes, but I'm so glad to know what's going on and have a good direction to head in.

Healing injuries is one facet of my physical health. Focusing on my workout instead of letting my anxiety hijack my "treatment" time is another vital part of my physical health. Improving my diet, getting better sleep, and spending more time outside are other important items to work on. (Yes, these can be considered DBT skills)

Maintaining my physical health not only helps with mood stability, it also helps with self-esteem and resiliency. When I do have bad dips, being in better physical health means bouncing back quicker. 

BB gunning after more dates
(I think he's getting more deliberate playin' that "cute card!")

2. Mind.

I've fallen out of practice with my DBT skills. Being around my family has meant a lot of triggers and a lot of pressure toward bad habits. Moving away is the biggest, most helpful step toward regaining my mental stability. The move isn't going to happen instantaneously-though I can begin working on my DBT immediately. 

The top three things I'm going to work on first? Catching judgments, utilizing distraction and participation, and self-care. 

Catching judgments is a helpful way to veer away from black-and-white thinking. It's helped me tamp down my suicidal impulses and negative self-talk. Distraction and participation help with my anxiety as well as not getting carried away with depressive rumination. Self-care means a lot of things for different folks; for me it means mindfully pursuing healthier habits including: bathing, eating well, hydrating, doing my hair more often, putting on "real clothes" instead of PJs all day, and so on. 

DBT skills address body, mind, and soul-true-for me it falls mostly under "mind" because it takes a lot of mental work!

Hospital visit.

3. Soul.

Healing a broken heart means acknowledging the damage and while I've discussed this many times before, I am recommitting myself to creating healthy distance from my family. I found this article very helpful and am continuing to read and muster my defenses and conviction.

It's been so very difficult for me to cope with the intense feelings of (in my mind) letting my family go. I think doing some reading, writing some key points down, and actively pursuing progress will help me make some progress which should garner more stability and health and PEACE!

I also find DBT skills helpful in achieving peace and soothing my soul. 

Heh, when I was in DBT they talked about it as a lifestyle change and not a contained treament. Yep. I can vouch for that ;o)

It's a lot of work and that's okay.
"It's what I do."
(This is from "Alpha House" BTW)

So. I've written somethings out. I'm getting back on the horse. One good day at a time is great, but I'm working toward getting those weeks of remission at a time, and that means a coordinated attack. 

That said, it's all about baby steps. The dance I have to do to maintain health is complex and I've fallen out of practice. Now it's time to relearn it and get my groove back. One step at a time.

Acknowledge, Accept, Engage

Ya might think this will be a political post and it isn't. The truth is that I've been having a rough time and I haven't posted about it because I'm self-conscious about posting too often and/or posting incongruous posts. Well, that's life with mental health diagnoses. I can have glorious moments on family vacation and horrible lows all in the same week-or day.

So here goes.

The Friday before we left for our road trip I had my first full-on panic attack in months. My anxiety had been elevated for weeks and I think the pre-departure stress put me in a very vulnerable position.

The class that day was probably around triple the usual size because of an altered schedule that week. We were doing an exercise that involved many people dropping barbells almost in unison. That first round put me over. The tears came on, my body began shaking, my heart rate sky rocketed, and a flush came over me beyond my workout glow.

I grabbed my water bottle and purse, bounding into the front room to haphazardly open my emergency pill container that dangles from my wallet at all times. Between the shakes and my restrictive weightlifting wrist bands it was quite a task! After popping my pill I ran cold water over my hands and face before grabbing some frozen sponges and taking some time to walk around outside to calm myself. A friendly childcare/office lady talked with me during this time and helped me calm down as well.

Yesterday, I had to run out of a workout again.

I haven't been able to manage my anxiety the last several weeks and injuries preventing me from engaging in my workouts as I'd like have been quite upsetting. With the elevated anxiety I wasn't able to think straight and ask my coach for help scaling, instead I panicked when the workout began and subsequently walked out before a full blown panic attack struck.

I collapsed on the grass in the sun outside the gym and cried.

My coach hollered from the warehouse door to see if I was okay and I told him it was anxiety and that I'd be fine.

Later, after the workout, he asked if I wanted to talk about it. I started crying and shrugged my shoulders. He asked if the anxiety just "cropped up" and I told him that it had been a problem for a while. This time, it was more than anxiety though, the suicidal impulses have returned. I told him that I had some mental health diagnoses that involve anxiety and chronic suicidality. That these disorders require me to work out frequently at a certain intensity or things can get dangerous for me. My injuries have been gumming that up.

He thanked me for talking to him and I thanked him as well. A couple other folks inquired as to my well being and wished me well.

I love the support I've received there. It does freak me out that I'm experiencing such intense symptoms where I feel most safe. I can understand it, sure, I'm just concerned that I can't even relax at my relaxing place.



I'm very scared. The dips are persisting longer than they have in a long time. I've had suicidal episodes since moving here, they were acute though. This is a different animal. A slippier animal.

The hubs has pushed things into high gear looking for alternate housing. I've been trying to avoid my family as much as possible. I still need to pull out my DBT book and focus on really working some skills...

My brain is slow yet my thoughts are fast.

My body is weary yet I can't relax.

I have to acknowledge this isn't just a little dip. I've had a few intense episodes since the move and this isn't that. It's been a slow, sneaky descent. I find it more difficult to recognize the dark logic as my disease and I'm starting to romanticize suicidal ideations.

I feel like I'm walking a very dangerous line. I feel desperate. I am afraid. And I'm crying at the drop of hat-more and more in public and when driving (not exactly safe).

Moving here was a bad, bad idea. I came in with the best intentions, trying to tamp down the fear and focus on meeting the challenge, but I have to retreat.

Over and over I think, "my family is killing me," and it haunts me. I feel guilt. I feel anger. I don't think they mean to and yet a sense of victimization overwhelms me. It isn't fair. Why me? So many other people have it so much worse... It's so messy. It's so hurtful. They aren't safe. This can't be malicious, you can't hold them accountable for ignorance... I feel like they would be offended and confused to hear this and yet I can't deny it. I don't want to hurt them, I don't want to blame them (though it is so hard to delineate between fact and blame for me)... but a cut needs to be made. I need to excise this threat.

Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain for staying, pain for leaving.

I suppose my brain chemistry at the moment doesn't help either.



Hope this isn't too incoherent. Thanks for being here, from vacation to crisis :o)

A Slice of Vacay (Big Slice!)

Last week the hubs, Baby Bananaface, and I escaped from my parents' and went east! 

Our first stop, my in-laws' home. We had a relaxing evening and despite the visit being mostly functional stopover, we enjoyed each others' company as usual.

Next we ventured further forward (those ghastly smoke-filled skies from the wildfires up north following us for hundreds of miles) to a small town in Oregon. BB got to play and make friends-for-a-day at the playground before hopping back in the car and heading for Twin Falls, ID. Another great park experience (surprise pooslide inc.) and then another stint of driving to Boise for the night.

Ugh. Went cheap. Nasty motel. Never again. Anyways.

The next day we made it into Salt Lake.

It was something different to my eyes being in such a large city in such a flat format. The mountains wooed me instantly. On our hike the next day I lost my breath before we stepped on the trail. I was choked up with the beauty of those mountains. I live in Western Washington and am used to big ole mountains covered in pine. I thought that was majesty. I thought those were vital. Now they feel smothering... the mountains there felt like a weight off my shoulders. Freedom. Vibrant vitality. 

I will wrap up with other tidbits, for now enjoy some visual aids!

In front of Donut Falls

Helping BB walk along the creek on the way to the falls.

Ya know. Us. ;o)

At Cecret Lake, the other hike. It was quite popular and very fun despite being more elevation and climb.

The hubster wanted to "catch me in my natural element."

We weren't exactly sure what these critters were at the time

and have since discovered they are ground squirrels!

Quite numerous and quite fearless. Helped keep BB's attention!

Hubby spotting BB as he takes off climbing and scrambling and running down trail!

Walking through wildflower fields at the bottom of the hike....

BB's enchanting stance at The Great Salt Lake...

I love this picture and can't quite sum up why at the moment!

Other moments of our vacation included playgrounds as often as possible, exploring the Aviary at Liberty Park, Wasatch Brewery (YUM), Antelope Island (bison and antelope!!!), and simply enjoying some time to relax in a cozy cottage together as a family. Oh, and BB pooped on the potty again!!! Yay!

Our vacation was fun and beautiful and delicious. It was also speckled with anxiety and depressive symptoms. Arguing. Stress. Part of our vacation mission was to scout the Salt Lake area as a potential relocation spot for us in the near future. With a different weather pattern, great amenities, and job opportunity for both of us there is a lot of potential there to grow and maintain a healthy life. Not to mention, we simply like it.

We've decided to move out of my parents' as soon as possible. Regain our health and stability. I'm going to pursue my master's degree online. We're going to save up money and he's going to apply for jobs and hopefully, within a couple years, we'll be back in Salt Lake to make a new home for ourselves. We are very much hoping that his folks will move down there with us! 

It's a lot to take in a lot of work. We shall see :o)

A Sluggish Sunday

We are still recovering from vacay today (I'll recap that soon with pics!) and BB and I had a very successful bug hunt!!! 

Vacay

Things are still rocky and I've been able to enjoy some vacation time with thenhjbater and Baby Bananaface anyways.  

We are exploring around Salt Lake City and have enjoyed some great hikes!

My tech is screwing me up and I can't post the pics I want. Been a bad afternoon mood wise so I am just gonna leave this post as is and try to post what I'd like to share later.

Hoping everyone is doing well!

Tip toeing

Had another tough day. The aches came on and lost my appetite major. Started feeling weak. 

A nap in the afternoon helped a bit. I knew it was a good sign when I woke up and wanted water. 

Here's to hoping for more improvement tomorrow!

PS those fires up north ain't no joke-really smoky looking down here in WA and can't imagine what it looks like in BC! 

PPS BB pooped in the potty!!! First time he ever used the toilet and he went for gold. Thank goodness, it was a monster.

Why does crap travel in a herd?

Bad day.

Diaper in the laundry machine.

Fucked up baking my brother's birthday cake.

Baby Bananaface won't nap and is escaping the crib.

And I'm feeling so worn out from trying to keep another episode at bay.

I'm so disappointed at how much progress I've lost, how destabilized I've become.

I know it's been rough lately. Now I'm feeling like I'm lost again.

Guess I'll be going for a drive to try and get BB down.

One step at a time.

I've been here before.

I'll be here again.

I'll get through this.

One step at a time.

One step at a time.

Girl's Night!

AKA an afternoon off to get a haircut and chillax up north by myself!

Found these awesome, sky-scraping lilies at one of my favorite dinner spots and then had an attractive and tasty dessert across the street at one of my fave coffee spots. 

Yep. Envy is a natural and understandable reaction 😉

Sensitivity & Parenting Styles

I've been having a hard time policing my thoughts of late. Increased stress and anxiety has increased my worry and rumination. Rehashing social interactions is a common worry magnet for me and any conflict that involves my family is a common pitfall as well.

The fireside talk with my parents and hubby replays in my mind often. I remember them dismissing my concerns, telling me that I don't have to worry about my nephew, and summing up the conflict as a difference in parenting styles. Not only was it invalidating, it was sad and reinforced my concerns for my nephew.

I know that there are different parenting styles. I know that there are different styles of loving, communicating, and living. I understand that and I also believe that those different styles fall along a spectrum spanning from healthy to unhealthy.

I think that there is no firm line between healthy and abusive-it's subjective. What scarred me for life may have left someone else with a lasting, loving relationship with their family; maybe spurred them on to great achievements and success. I was not so lucky. I don't think my nephew will be so lucky. Maybe things will change directions for him (I hope they do) in the meantime, I do not thing my opinions are unfounded or simply "differences in parenting styles."

BB enjoys accessories! Including random
barrettes found in the hair salon toy box.

All that has been rattling around in my head and heart. I've also been questioning how I parent and what type of parent I am. I've thought about this all before, it's just more nagging lately. Months and months ago, I had decided it was one of those "life's mysteries" that can't quite ever be completely explained and decided to stop worrying about it. Lately, my parents' words have burrowed under my skin.

Am I too sensitive? Am I too "easy" on Baby Bananaface? Should I be more strict? Should I be drilling him on words and shapes? Should I draw a line when it comes to neatly eating instead of letting BB "get all up in it?" Do I come off "hippie dippy" or "laissez-faire?" Is he gonna turn out to be overly sensitive and unmotivated?

Let BB have a cakepop the other day and
rocked his world! Use change (like that nickle)
to distract him and keep him focused while
out and about :o)

I don't think so.

Being around my family has shaken my footing. I think the hubster and I have made specific parenting choices that are quite different from my family's. So what kind of parent am I? What's my style?

I'm patient. I'm kind. I am gentle whenever possible and firm when necessary. I give BB room to explore. I am strict when he needs to be reined in. I distract instead of discipline whenever I can. I try very hard to not take my frustration out on him. I try very hard to stay in the now. Often, I let him lead. Sometimes, I show him the way.

I don't know how he'll turn out. I know he'll have struggles. I know I'm not perfect. Every child is different and what (I think) works for him may not work for others. I think I strike a balance between what he needs and what I can give. I didn't gain a lot of self-assurance from my childhood and I want to try and give that to BB. I'm trying to do that the best way I know how.

Another outfit BB put together himself.
I don't put much effort in "styling"  him myself.

What kind of parent am I? What's my style?

I'm a good parent. I'm loving. I'm sensitive. I'm dedicated.

My style is VERY different from my family!


So that's a peep into some of my pondering of late :o)

Where we're at... (with random pics)

Hasn't been a bed of roses, not that that'll surprise any of ya! It hasn't been disaster either, so that's good.

This past weekend my parents, the hubster, and I had a "fireside chat" about the CPS drama. It was stressful for me although I did pretty well overall. I was able to express myself without stirring the pot too much and stand up for myself a little.

BB developin' his style

That said, I don't think they were interested in really hearing my point of view. They summed up the entire issue as a "difference in parenting styles," even after I'd said something about "we understand that, there's certain things that cross the line for us though." Didn't seem to land in their brains at all.

Same for any allusion to emotional abuse or trauma. My concerns for my nephew seemed to be dismissed as me being overly sensitive. My mother defended my sister by reminding us "BB used to be that age once" and "she's doing the best she can and I think she's doing a great job."

Well, hate to break it to ya Mom, "a great job" by your definition seems to mean a lifelong battle with mental illness, self worth, and negative coping habits. "A great job" seems to mean ignoring a child in need and supplementing emotional support and love with impulse buys and sweets. (A-I know she did what she could for us and I think I've mostly forgiven that aspect, it just pisses me off when she invalidates my feelings and opinions as an adult B-I think everyone has some issue from childhood, nobody is a perfect parent)

I like to assume that everyone is doing their best... and I'm not sure if my personal hurt is getting in the way of me being able to believe that this is the best my family can do or whether I still believe they can do better? I really think I'm giving up on that latter part.

Shaved ice w/ Daddy

Speaking to the hubs last night, I struggled to express my frustration and grief regarding my family. I'm fed up. I'm not willing to put myself and my family at risk to wait around for rare moments of encouragement or empathy. I'm not willing to bite my tongue and invalidate my opinions to avoid conflict. I've spent decades repressing my opinion, negating my existing, and letting others put me down while they desperately try to make themselves feel better... screw that.

My parents closed the fireside discussion with a mandate stating that I need to give my sister an apology. (Mind you, we had established during the discussion that neither myself or the hubby had called and that we thought it must've been my therapist concerned about the things I'd shared with her***)

So apologize for what?

The hubs told me later that it would be a political, meaningless apology. The parents seemed to think that I should say I'm sorry that she's had to go through this... which I could interpret as empathy. I will not, however, apologize in any way that implies guilt. The words "sorry" or "I apologize" ain't crossin' these lips. I'm not even sure how sorry I am that she's had to go through this... I want her to have a wake up call! I want her to think more about how she's mothering my nephew! That means distress, that means the friction of change, that means unpleasantness.

Hiking. He decided he was done
and hopped on the Momma Express!

Still messy. Still getting the cold shoulder. Still tense. I'm trying to refocus on my health and keeping busy with BB and away from the house as much as I can. The hubs is looking into housing options and we're planning a road trip first week of August as our summer vacation/getaway.

Feeling myself slipping and thinking those negative thoughts, having more and more unhealthy impulses, and living in fear instead of living in the now. Things have to change. Tryin' to dance with my family ain't working-I have to get my own rhythm back!


Feel like an over-emotional rebel expressing all these messy feelings... I think these tough transitions in life should feel uncomfortable and challenging, right? Especially for someone that doesn't have a lot of practice having an opinion? *shrug* *sigh* Doin' what I can!


***Did what we had to do, ya know?

Commercial Breaks

It would seem that this MTV special (AKA my sister's life) is ongoing and trying to script in my family.

We had a wonderful trip to visit my in-laws. Parks, visiting old friends, good food, and good talks. It was relaxing and rejuvenating. Maybe just not rejuvenating enough.

Our weekend was marred by confusing texts and snaps from my family. My sister and mom would snap happy, silly, goofy stuff that would make me feel like everything was simmering down and everyone was moving on. Then we'd get texts about "I talked to my lawyer friend..." or "I really need to know if you or [the hubster] had anything to do with this."

It's like the good times were just short commercial breaks from all the shit! Confusing and stressful!

At one point we were out to dinner with the hubby's sister and had a great, in-depth chat about the CPS system and how investigations work. She had worked at APS for a while and knows people in CPS so she was a great resource.

That chat calmed me down a bit and then more crap came down the tubes. Some more texts freaking me out and pissing the hubster off. He ended up calling my father and telling him, "this needs to stop, Hannah is not handling the stress of this well and hasn't been very good overall the last couple months and we need to make sure she stays safe."

Apparently they seemed to reach a reasonable place of understanding and the next time my sister texted us the hubby took over and told her to stop harassing his family which seemed to shut that down.

Still, I was really anxious about coming back from our mini-vacay. I expected the Ice Queen treatment from my sister, what I didn't expect was my anxiety presenting in an overly chatty, outgoing type of way that was really confusing for everyone...

The hubs kept telling me I needed to get it together and then things spiraled a bit. It was a bad night. Thankfully not suicidal although there were definitely a lot of self-harming urges. I ended up sobbing quite loudly into my pillows at one point because I was so frustrated with the whole kit-n-kaboodle: living here, my sister, my parents, my nephew, my family's well-being, the pets.... The dam broke.

The next evening my mother returned from her trip outta state. I was very anxious to see her and confused a bit by the mixed emotions I sensed during the initial "welcome back" conversation. She was giddy and sharing all her travel stories and then took a break to go do laundry or something. After she returned, the atmosphere became darker, stressful and she said something like, "Well, I know there was some action that went down here while I was gone and we're gonna be talking about that."

It felt ominous and threatening and my already heightened anxiety stepped up a few notches. Thankfully I didn't cry and was able to say something like, "I can't talk about that right now. My anxiety has been really bad the last week."

It feels like a witch hunt. I haven't felt entirely safe here anyways and now I feel like I'm constantly on guard.

I don't know how things will work out and I'm trying to avoid replaying possibilities over and over in my head. That said, I think I've come to realize that living around my family just isn't healthy for me and waiting around for them to become safe to be around isn't a safe choice. I don't know what things will look like in the future, it certainly doesn't look like we'll be living around this area for much longer.

I'm okay with that. I'm okay with distancing, I'm okay with building a life that works for the hubby, BB, and myself that might not involve my family. It will probably be tricky and emotionally rocky, I think it will be worth it though. I need to get back on that positive progress path and keep moving onward and upward. I don't want to be stalling out and backsliding and getting entrenched in childhood muck over and over...

I'm moving on. It's a big rope tying me to this baggage and I'm starting to saw away at it. Come what may.



***Whew. That felt pretty dramatic.... talking about my sister's life being an MTV special and I just felt like I was in "Pirates of the Caribbean!"

Baby Bananaface Bakes!

First time baking with BB! We baked zucchini bread with Grandma (hubby's mom) with Grandpa, Aunt C, and Daddy watching.

 Quite funny when BB took breaks to tell the hubster to take pics and posed for the camera. 😂 I also enjoyed his trancelike slow-mo stirring. Very psychedelic! 

He's very well aware that he's a star! 

I don't like living in an MTV special...

This morning was a tough one at the gym, especially when my left arch gave out during warm-up. I ended up rolling my feet on a hard ball for a while and when I did the workout of the day I scaled from the running into rowing. Anyways... it was tough. It left me a bit frazzled and without appetite which made feeding BB and staying focused difficult.

While I was grilling a grilled cheese my mother called. Her voice... was frosty. She sounded angry or scared, definitely more serious than I normally hear her. She said she needed me to listen very carefully and went on to say that my sister was in hysterics and that someone had called CPS on my sister and were coming by for an inspection that day.

I felt sick. I got lightheaded. I tried to hold the panic back and focus on one thing at a time. I got BB fed and called the hubster. 

The CPS folks were scheduled to come at 1:30, during BB's nap. Turned out that BB had a hard time getting down for his nap around noon and I had to drive him around for his nap today. I wasn't there for the visit. My sister, her boyfriend, my brother, my dad, and I think one of my sister's friends was there too... 

The investigators called me while I was driving home and I stopped by their office (the hubster happened to be able to meet me there) and they looked over BB and spoke with us. 

It was all so intense. So stressful. Watching my family in distress was surreal and distressing. Seeing my nephew so innocent and unaware of what was happening just heartbreaking.

Most of the time these sorts of things are unable to be properly substantiated and don't get beyond a "here's some resources, try to do a better job," so I'm not afraid of my nephew being taking away or "put in the system." I hope if anything that it will only improve the situation for him and my family. 

Living here these couple months I have noticed how much parenthood is wearing on them. I do believe my nephew could have a better emotional environment. I hope this is all for the best.

My family has been searching for answers and trying to figure out where the report came from. It feels a bit like an MTV special with all the drama... certainly doesn't feel like my "real life." Wow. Guess you never know, eh?

In the meantime I have to calm back down. Probably going to take my sleeping meds tonight!

In other news, we're heading over the mountains to visit my in-laws. We're very excited to see them and excited to have a mini-vacay.