Monday, October 9, 2017

Going, going, going

Stealing a few moments for a quick update.

Overall move has gone smoothly, although I did have a dip Friday night. Started having hopeless thoughts and flashes of suicidal ideation. At nighttime I was so upset that I couldn't sleep in our bed, so I took my Lunesta and my Ativan and laid on the couch with my girls. The hubster came out in the middle of the night sometime and carried me back to bed.

I'm still feeling unstable and struggling between forging ahead and slowing down to try and right myself. The past couple weeks I took it slow at CrossFit and while it helped my TOS symptoms a bit, I don't think it did me any favors in regard to mood.

I don't know. And the holidays coming up. I just. Ugh. One day at a time.

Side note, I had a nasty nightmare last night that involved my dad putting a hit out on me. I was fleeing the hit men and found my mother in a library (yeah, no clue there). I tried to explain the situation and ask for help and she acted clueless and dismissed me. Part of me felt like she was just, um, whatchya call it, "plausible deniability?"

Anyways. Ended up getting help from a stranger with a big boat. It was in a field. On a trailer. Somehow we started it up and drove off... on land. On a trailer. No clue. I do recall that we pulled down cheap window covers so the sharpshooters couldn't see in, so we were driving blind.

Lots of symbolism there. I have said to the hubby multiple times how it felt like my parents didn't care if I lived or died. Felt like they were killing me while we lived with them... brought back memories from growing up. With my skewed perception sometimes I would see it as a type of neglect and other times it seemed more intentional.

Hurtful either way.

Baby Bananaface has been doing pretty well adjusting. Much more hard on me getting used to being with him all day! I am planning on creating a concrete schedule to help us both, chore time included.

On top of all this I am trying to keep pace on my online course for the public speaking credit. The plan is to wrap it up and start my MA in November. At this point, I am considering December. Still need to get financial aid going and I'm worried about stabilizing... TBD

Sad that I haven't been able to keep up with everyone's blogs. I will try to read soon and catch up. In the meantime though, I have chores to finish, my hair to do, and an afternoon at the pumpkin patch to prepare for (cue the mud and booger smears).

Thinking of y'all and hoping you are well :o)


  1. Hugs and take it easy, you have been and are going through a lot! Have fun at the pumpkin patch!

  2. No need to catch up on blogs. Keep care of yourself instead. 💕

  3. Echoing your other caring commentators.

  4. Congratulations on the move. You did it. Take a breath and restablize yourself. You deserve it.

  5. Thanks for the update, Hannah. Take care of yourself. Blogs can wait.

  6. You've got a lot on your plate right now but you can do it!


Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF