Transfer of Care: Complete

 Today I had my first appointment with the new therapist-and it went GREAT! We ended up doing the appointment over the phone instead of via the digital meeting, so not face-to-face but went well all the same. He didn't talk about himself and he was interested in what was going on with me! Even talked about some productive, new things I can try. I'm very happy. Still not sure I need a ton of therapy but have some things to work on. We're going to track some good anti-anxiety behaviors to try to get my coping skills up and work with ACT therapy to build resilience.

The appointment actually left me feeling proud and grateful. I really have come a long way and the job I'm working is so well-suited to my needs. I need the structure but I need the time to recoup and I'm very lucky to have a part-time gig like this.

In other news, yesterday was my last day of instruction before break. I'm glad to be on break but also have worries in the back of my mind about when I get back because there are only 2 weeks until the end of quarter after we get back. That means finalizing grades and preparing materials for a new quarter. I know that I'm going to be out-of-sync with the other 12th grade teacher because my kids are finishing the book we're reading this quarter. I'm going to focus on some writing skills. 

I'm really going to miss my myth class. They have been so fun. We are watching "Kiki's Delivery Service" and doing a Hero's Journey analysis on it for our final assignment. I hope they enjoy. It is truly a delightful film.

I had a break down Tuesday after another new teachers meeting. They are so triggering for me. They are spot on with their topics, just the stuff that I'm insecure about! It always gets me thinking about what I can improve which gets me thinking about where I'm failing... or should I say have shortcomings? Failure is such a potent word for me. That is one of the things I told my therapist, that I grew up with a lot of success and perfectionism so that I didn't learn how to fail well. Hopefully that makes sense (?). 

Anyways. The hubs is looking for a new job. His contract isn't up un
til January and he's not sure that they won't review but he isn't waiting around and he actively wants a new gig anyways. There is just too much stress and the work isn't what he likes to focus on anyway. I'm nervous about the transition but excited for him.

My hair is so long now I can clip my bangs back! I'm not sure exactly where I'm going with the grow-out but I don't care right now. I'm just happy to not need haircuts every other month and not have to worry about it. Although it is behaving a little oddly at this length some days! 

SO that's it for now... I will let you know how the holidays go. BB had a HUGE tantrum/break down yesterday so hopefully he has misbehavior out of his system for a while! He's been doing tutoring at and we had to walk away from our appointment because he was freaking out so much. 

Good vibes and hugs for all. Happy Holidays and stay safe out there!

Transfer of Care

This morning my therapist called in sick for the 2nd or 3rd time since I started seeing him a few months back. I haven't been responsive to his care as it is and decided to request a new therapist. It makes me nervous. I know that I'll probably never see or him from him again but just the act of leaving makes me anxious. I don't want to offend or upset and yet I'm also excited for a new chance at clicking with someone. 

School has been digital since the week of Thanksgiving (once we hit our threshold for cases we go digital for 2 weeks) so tomorrow is our last digital day for this quarantine. It's been a good shift actually. Shorter class times are accepted and I sort of like the weird silence that comes with hosting a mass Zoom meeting. It feels a bit less awkward than the wall of silence I experience in my live classroom teaching.

The silence is deafening. I'm so concerned about my teacher observations and having administrator(s) see that I don't get my kids talking and can't propel a conversation in class. There are a couple kids in each class that will contribute but for the most part everyone sits and stares. I don't know if they just don't get it or just don't feel comfortable talking. Cold calling (just randomly choosing someone) works rarely. A lot of time I get the "I don't know" or "I have nothing to say." 

In more cheerful news I bought myself an advent calendar from The Body Shop and have been thoroughly enjoying it. I started it early and have had a nice bath bomb, hand lotion, and shea butter soap-a full size one at that! It's a pretty cool little thing that I might repeat in years to come. BB has a LEGO advent calendar that he opens and builds a little LEGO creation every morning. He's loving it too. The hubs... doesn't have anything. But he did eat a bunch of cheeseball last night. :P

I freaked out Monday about my health and feeling like I'm not sleeping well. It's not good and I'm nervous about my mood slipping. I also haven't been working out regularly (read: at all) and that affects my sleep and my mood as well. It's the time of year that usually proves challenging for me and it's the first year I have felt relatively stable for as long as I have. SO if I have a shot at getting through unharmed this is it. 

One day at a time.

How do you do?

 I'm still in that weird in-between where I can refer to my home here in Utah as "home" yet I still think/say "back home in Washington." 

Back in Washington the restrictions are coming down again. 25% capacity in stores and the other rules from March. Toilet paper and food is starting to disappear again. Here we have a statewide mask mandate but restaurants are still open. My school is still in-person but I have no idea for how much longer. Apparently our case numbers are climber dangerously close to the percentile that requires us to shut down. 

Schools up north have been online for weeks and will be. As far as I know if we shut down it's just for the mandatory two weeks. No statewide order for online school yet-I wonder if there will ever be one. Will we be constantly waiting for the magic number and taking two weeks here-and-there? Or will they shut us down for the rest of the year at some point? I hate the unknowns.

School has been going relatively well but I still can't get my class to talk. It's awful sitting there (or standing) and talking to a wall of silence. So awkward... and then I imagine an administrator visiting and seeing that. That's going to be awful for me. 

In other news, there is more drama with my sister. Did I mention on here that she texted me about antidepressants and anxiety? She was feeling so low about her physical appearance that she was getting all sorts of anxiety in social situations, just not wanting to let anyone see her I think. Frustrated that she couldn't seem to lose any weight. Well, she got on some medication for a couple of weeks, but has since decided to have another baby. So she's off the meds and trying.

Not sure how it'll feel for me. I'm not feeling pregnancy envy-yet. I had a little bit because of some recent births on Facebook friends' feeds. As far as my sister though, I think I just feel something like, "What the hell? You say you ain't got your shit together so having another baby is your answer?" It's even worse considering she kicked her husband out the house for chewing tobacco this week. You can't even have your husband in the house and you're trying for a kid? Wow. Just wow.

I feel like part of her is just doing it for the high. Being able to surprise the parents with the pregnancy announcement. All the purchases. The gender reveal. The birth. The newborn. But then what? More baby weight. More stress. Potentially worse depression and anxiety. And the added responsibility of an infant when you already have a 5 year old and a toddler. I'm worried. I always had a hunch she'd go for a third but I didn't think it'd be like this. Who could?

Anyway. That's a little bit of what's going on. Also, enjoying the Christmas tree and music. We got some snow last week and that was nice. Hoping for more but not a real snow storm just yet.

Sending love and hugs into the universe. I know people need it with this Covid surge of cases, deaths, and stress.

Be well :o)

A Wonderful Evening

BB danced and played along with the celebrations in Wilmington as we waited for Harris and Biden's speeches tonight. I hope I will remember this night for a long time. The hubs and I were both emotional. I think it's amplified by the pandemic but it's been a rough 4 years regardless. I've heard from so many people now that they feel like they can breathe again. I feel that too. I can hope again.

Congratulations to everyone. 

Consolations to those that need it but I really believe it's for the best for everyone.

Everyone. Together. Again. I can hope.

 

Some pictures from 10/31 and 11/1!

 First comes Halloween....

BB was dressed a lot creepier than ever before!

Then comes... CHRISTMAS?!

My mother is here visiting and somehow Christmas trees came up-so we started snooping around online and then in stores for a full-sized option for me. Our little apartment tree just won't do anymore! We happened to find a great deal and a tree I loved so we crammed it into our little Ford Fiesta and brought it home. We blew off our trip to the aviary and decorated instead!

I am pulling a 2020 exemption card for violating my "day after Thanksgiving" rule this year. :D

BB was PSYCHED and helped out A LOT. He was the reason we managed to get the town under the tree at all because he was so into it.

In other news, I'm excited for election day. Not just for Joe and Kamala but also to see if we can beat our turn out record of 61-something percent.

School Photos!

 Both BB and I had our photos taken for school this year. Here's a side-by-side:

We were surprised to see BB pull a toothless grin because he's usually a big smiler. He did meet expectations when he insisted on wearing what he wanted. He loves the button down alligator top I picked out but for whatever reason wanted to wear his glow-in-the-dark Moab lizard shirt. I think the red looks pretty good on him.

My hair is growing out and even longer now. I've got little flippies on the side that remind me of the flying nun headpiece... what are those called? 

In other news our weather has turned cold here. Still sunny days but it's definitely fleece weather now. I'm not sure how much time I have to sit on the porch any more (sad face). I truly loved sitting on the porch in the heat this summer. 

That said, I'm getting excited for snow. There is a 50% chance we'll get snow tomorrow so I'll be on the edge of my seat! 

It's been a busy month and we've hosted my brother-in-law, my best friend and  goddaughter/her brother/a new friend, and my parents are coming next weekend. Thank goodness our guest bedroom came together just in time! We've had some great visits and I'm grateful.

I feel like Thanksgiving will be here before we know it... and then Christmas. We are at quarter break and embarking on a novel. I plan on having the book-on-tape read aloud to the kids during class but I'm nervous about it being tedious. I have quizzes for every three chapters and other article assignments but it can still be so boring...

Anyways. Politics. I'm excited for this year's election. Stakes are high and I'm hoping for mass turnouts. I heard a statistic that 2008 was the highest turnout in modern history at 61%-ish. I hope we beat that. I think no matter what happens I will have a moment's joy if that happens.

But I'll be blissed out if Biden/Harris make it in :D I love her. She makes me happy. 

Off to do dishes and make the hubster happy (I can hear his displeased sighs around me).

Another Therapy Appointment

 I know we're just getting to know each other but this therapist seems.... lazy. Maybe it's why I have a hard time doing "get to know ya" stuff with the kids at school, I like to get down to work. There has been some useful discussion about the unconscious and mindfulness practice but I find myself looking at the clock and wondering if anything is really going to happen. Of course, I can't really remember what therapy used to be like-lot more crying if I recall exactly. 

Anyways. That's confusing for me. I didn't schedule my next appointment right away... going to see if I can remember any dreams because he seems very interested in dream work. Which is fun. (shrug)

In other news the end of the quarter is upon us. I have kids that haven't turned in assignments from the second week of class and I have a lot that haven't turned in their final. But I'm trying "don't freak out" like the other teachers and the hubster say. I've done what I can. Supposedly... all I can see are those kids I let slip between the cracks or the lessons that went soaring over heads and I didn't know how to dumb it down. I suppose these are all usual teacher concerns.

In better news, my friend and goddaughter and her brother and one of my friend's friends is coming to visit. I know, I know, Covid. I'm excited though. Even if we don't have a perfect itinerary or menu set up I think it'll be a good visit.

Oh, a side note. I've started reading about writing screenplays and have been enjoying myself. Maybe I'll find a way to share the stories from those first three years of BB's life. We shall see. For now, I'm just having fun.

Well wishes and hugs and healthy vibes to all. Hang in there!

Just a random survey, you're welcome to join me :o)

 1. Are you taller than your mom? Nope, she's 5' 10" and 5' 7"

2. What color is your shower curtain? White but almost see-through. We did have a blue and white splashy dotted one but it really doesn't match our current bathroom so we just use the plain one.

3. What is the closest thing to you right now that is red? There is a red sticker on my lappy for some sort of graphics chip.

4. What is your ring tone? I usually keep my phone on silent so I'm not sure. One of the pre-programmed chimey, bing-bongy ones. If I had my way it'd be The Golden Girls theme song.

5. Does anything hurt on your body right now? Nope! Who would've thought?!

6. What color is your favorite pillow? I don't have a favorite pillow but I do have a favorite stuffed animal that I use as a pillow and he is white, except ancient not-so-white white. He's like 30 years old, people.

7. What is your favorite video game? Probably The Sims.

8. Had a nap today? Not today. The hubs and his brother are off on a man-adventure and it's me and BB, so no time for a nap.

9. Gold or Silver? How about white gold? Wink wink

10. Is there an animal that creeps you out? Millipedes. Definitely millipedes. To a lesser degree, centipedes.

11. Who was the last person you rode an elevator with? I think BB actually... wait not, BB and hubs.

12. Did you go ice skating as a kid? Yes I believe so and as an adult.

13. Ever have stitches? Only for a few surgeries. Had a couple cysts removed and then my sterilization.

14. Favorite non-alcoholic drink? Other than water (everyone always says "water doesn't count") probably coffee in various forms.

15. How long ago did you hug someone? Yesterday I think, the hubs.

16. What’s something you want to do before you die? I want to write something. A novella, a book, a short story, a screenplay, just something official.

17. Have you ever caught something on fire? Like... hmmm. Ya know this is when memory loss can be an issue. I know that I've played with fire before so I've probably lit something on fight but I've never caught any food on fire besides a s'more I think

18. Have you ever seen a ghost? Nope, don't believe.

19. Have you ever seen northern lights? Not yet.

20. Do you know how to use chop sticks? Yesiree.

21. Name something good that happened today. I actually wrote a couple pages just for the hell of it.

22. What room are you in? Back porch, very nice day in the 70s and very slight breeze.

23. Are you worried about something you can’t control? School. Well, there are parts I can control but quarantine and Covid I can't really.

24. Do you take daily medications? Oh yeah. I take meds three times, sometimes four times, a day.

25. Ever been in a fight? Yeah, with my siblings. We used giant fish pillows to beat on each other but the thing was they had these giant hard plastic eyes that would really hurt when they hit you.

26. Are you wearing nail polish? Nope.

27. What time is it? 3:42 PM Mountain Time

28. Innie or Outie? Innie

29. Ever used a Ouija board? Nope, but I think it'd be fun-even if I don't believe!

30. Sweet or sour? Sweet!

31. Sun or Moon? Unsure, but probably moon since I sunburn so easily.

32. What shoes did you wear today? Sandal kind of day.

33. Favorite eye color of the opposite sex? Not really, but considering I married a pair of amazing green-blue eyes I'd have to say green-blue!

36. Time of day you were born? Morning.

37. Do you know your blood type? O-positive

38. Do you know how to kill a zombie? Decapitation

39. Do you smoke? No. Well, I take a few puffs off a cigar every once in a while.

40. What would you spend 5,000 dollars on right now if you were handed it? Debt.

41. Who is your favorite musical artist? I really like Sara Bareilles but my favorite band is Boston.

42. Which animal(s) remind you of yourself? An owl.

43. What’s your background on your PC? A watercolor from an artist I appreciate.

44. Did you grow up in the city or country? Country-ish. I mean, it was 30-minutes to "anywhere."

45. Would you ever consider going on a reality tv show if offered a large sum of money? Depends on the show... I ain't gonna be eating nothing crazy that's for sure.

47. What’s one thing you’re really good at cooking? I can make some mean shepherd's pie or chicken pot pie or pork chops.

48. Kisses or hugs? Either, maybe kisses slightly more.

49. You have 10 dollars to spend in the dollar store..what do you get? Beverages....?

50. Slurpee flavor? Trick question, of course you layer multiple flavors!!!

Another Slight

 So yesterday we had a Zoom meeting with the hubbo's parents and one of his siblings (the other three couldn't make it). During the course of the meeting my MIL was mooning over the grandbabies and somehow said something like "5 of the most cute grandbabies" and then my BIL said, "And one on the way." 

We were all confused. We thought for a second my BIL was expecting a surprise! Turns out that one of the hubster's sisters is pregnant. The same one that neglected to tell us she was getting married too. I can't remember how we found that out-maybe my BIL let that slip too. But basically, this isn't the first time we've been left out (by "we" I mean the hubby and I as well as his parents). 

I texted my MIL after the Zoom call and she admitted that she was devastated finding out this way. I feel so bad for her and even then I don't fully comprehend what she must be feeling. I think my protectiveness has been fueling a bit of rumination and anger. Realistically, we aren't a part of this sister's life. We need her in our lives as much as she needs us in hers-nil. Somehow that doesn't completely soften the blow. 

Anyways, so that's a slice of drama for y'all! 

In other news, my first therapy appointment in years went pretty well. Lots of talk about breathing exercises which is helpful. I think we'll get more into me next time but there were a lot of "get to know ya" questions too. Not sure what therapy is going to look like but he did mention jotting down any dreams I remember to discuss. So that could be interesting. 

Not looking forward to this week at school because it's going to be a lot of writing time for the kids which is always boring. I think I might break it up with some quizzes or something. IDK, I couldn't really focus today.

Boring

 Classes are still rather boring. I'm not sure why, exactly, although my leading theory is senioritis. I try to be peppy and get people talking but I just get stares. I'll keep at it even though I feel like they know I'm forcing the small talk. It's good to stretch out class time too but my second block always goes faster than the first.

The hubs says boring is better than mayhem, which is true.

In other news, I got my crown today. I still feel a little zing when I bite down and eating a blueberry muffin proved uncomfortable chewing on that side. Not so much the pressure of the bite but a cold sensation-another zing. I will see how things improve the next couple days but so far it's not nearly as uncomfortable as the first stage.

Today we had our first parent-teacher conference! The teacher is so nice and seems really on it. Apparently BB is suffering from a lack of focus or motivation. Unfortunately he's in the back of the room so she says it's a bit hard staying on top of him. We have to work on his eye contact and heeding clean up warnings (we're cleaning up in 5 minutes and so forth) because he just doesn't want art time to end. We were more concerned about his letters performance, honestly. She isn't too concerned yet but he's somewhat on a watch list.

Been thinking about going back to a gym program. It's been a long time since the injury took me out the spring before last. I was going to the gym when we were back in WA but nothing near the intensity of CrossFit and I think I need that higher level of stimulation. It's not just about the physical, it really makes me feel better about myself too.

My first therapy appointment on Monday was cancelled and I see him this upcoming Monday now. Still not sure what to talk about or where it will go but I'm feeling hopeful that this will be a good therapist. He looks to have a grey beard so I would think he's been around the block and knows his stuff unless this is a second career for him!

Anywho! Been watching a lot of "Nailed It!" on Netflix and just got into "Stark Trek: Discovery." Other than that, just plodding.

Well wishes all and welcome fall!

Another Appointment

 I had another appointment this past week... for the dentist. I usually enjoy the dentist. I get compliments on my teeth and I like getting a cleaning. This time was different. The cleaning was a deeper cleaning than I'm used to and uncomfortable. While everyone was friendly it was a parade of "could be betters" rather than "wow your teeth are beautiful." I hadn't been the dentist in over a year and I think it was telling on my teeth.

Anyways. As if that wasn't enough I do have a cavity but more interestingly and unfortunately I have to get a crown. Apparently my teeth grinding and jaw clenching took a toll on my rear most molar on my bottom right. I cracked a filling as well as the tooth. It is weird considering I only get a very dull ache from that tooth on occasion. Supposedly teeth in need of a crown are much more of a bother (?)

I'm not thrilled. Okay, I'm more than not thrilled. I'm a bit scared and dreading it. They say that after they grind my tooth down I'm going to be in pain for days. (Not to mention the $500) I'm not sure how bad it'll be and I'm worried about complications. Oh of course I make up all types of awful fantasies! Like they get in there and discovery the tooth is ruined and they have to yank it. Or I pop off the temporary crown and chaos ensues. 

So, that's what is up. In addition I have parent-teacher conferences in a couple short weeks and over half my class is failing quite dramatically after not turning in their first assessments. Wunderbar! That'll make for some great conversations with the folks. Not like I'm not nervous enough never having done a conference!

Wow. I'm feeling pretty negative right now... some positives... BB is doing well. We all went camping to Great Basin National Park in Nevada and got to see the Milky Way and some gorgeous stars. It all turned out better than I imagined so that was good.

One minute at a time... :o)

First Appointment

 Had my first appointment with my new, Utah psychiatrist today. It went well, but I definitely feel... sad. My last provider just seemed to care in a way that this man doesn't. It was very functional and effective I suppose-just not the satisfying feeling of being taken care of.

We've decided to go up on the Seroquel and try to back off on the Lunesta. Everything else is staying the same even though I got another "Whoa, that's a lotta Ativan!" moment. Apparently .5 mg is a more regular dose than my 2 mg. I know they say it's high but I can't imagine lower considering it doesn't make me sleepy or anything... Anyways.

Nothing out of my comfort zone. He did mention light therapy for the winter times since I have a pattern of dips then. I always associate it with my family and stress but light makes sense too. He also wants to see me back in therapy, at least for the intrusive self-harming thoughts. He's not sure that it is quite Harm OCD but if it's distressing or frequent it seems like he supports treatment.

Like I said, it didn't feel too personal. 

In other news, this weekend was filled with grief for Chadwick Boseman. I'm not sure why I was so struck down but Saturday was filled with mourning. I think that how he struggled in silence struck me and especially since he was such a good guy. Colon cancer runs on my mother's side so it struck home too. So I've been a bit emotional.

School has about the same amount of anxiety as I have had so that's... good? Good-ish? I get some heaviness in my chest and stomach knots but I think I'm looking forward to class overall. There are some technical things that are worrying me (like teaching kids to make an electronic hall pass when I have no idea how they are supposed to make an electronic hall pass or using my electronic gradebook for the first time). Overall I'm enjoying myself yet I feel like a total impostor and that it's just a matter of time until all is revealed! It makes things feel better though, living like I'm only here for a year. Everyone seems to assume I'm on the team for good but I don't feel that way. At least not yet. I'm still trying things out.

BB is enjoying kindergarten. Our neighbors said that we should get Mrs. Bond and we happened to get her as his teacher! She seems delightful and very on top of things. He's got his first homework packet now so we're going to be working more diligently with him than we have been.

The First Days

 My first couple days of work have been... meh. Which is exactly what the hubster told me to aim for. Haven't set my expectations too high and have been cutting myself some slack. I still feel like I haven't engaged the kids very much but I reassure myself that the first week of school is always a little odd and not quite structured.

So I'm not in agony and I'm not loving it. I had some pretty bad anxiety the night of my first day-which seemed odd since I had the next day off. But I was shaking so bad I thought we were having a tremor! I was in bed under my weighted blanket, trying to doze but really just sitting there ruminating and it all got to be so much I was quaking. 

Another big set of spaces and awkward pauses before typing... I'm not sure what to share because it feels so uneventful. Some kids chatting. Phone use issues. Kids turning in work and then kids not even starting. School stuff. I feel the most pressure around some upcoming assessments. My "mentor" (she always says it with quotes around the word) says not to worry much and that we all know that a lot of kids won't be at level. 

Tomorrow is BB's first day of kindergarten. He's part-time, going in the AM and then to daycare for lunch and the afternoon. The hubs has printed off a "First Day of Kindergarten" paper and mounted it to cardboard so I'll try to share that photo!

For now, it's off to pick up BB after I try to salvage a broken nail. I really wasn't typing that hard, I swear...

Still Chippin' Away

 I've been tired and clenching my jaw nearly continuously. I have bits of me that are trying to revive my DBT training and the efforts to remain nonjudgmental and accepting. Most of me is wrapped up in.... I want to say ague for some reason, which is weird cuz that is not a usual word! I don't know. Wrapped up in stress and fear and rumination. 

But this cheered me today...

The Latest Kate always seems to perk me up, even when I catch a repeat! There are some really cute things that she has made and even beautiful things as well. Well, I suppose those intersect at points as well.

So. Monday is when school starts. I've worked my 3 days this week but I'm not sure if I'll go in tomorrow or not. I have to find some paper towels so the kids can disinfect their desks pronto and we're leaving town tomorrow afternoon after BB's kindergarten pre-assessment... feeling discombobulated, hang on here. Right. Tomorrow! The hubs has booked us a hotel in Moab for Friday and Saturday. Despite my misgivings he insists that we get away one last time before school starts. Part of me agrees and part is terrified of missing last chances at getting ready... but what more can I do? Except worry. 

I'm not sure... there is always more to plan but I've been so spent my non-work days have been Netflix binges and naps all the way. I think rest is more important even as scary as letting go feels... I will try to find some balance.

Well wishes and fond thoughts :o)

Hard at Work and Hardly Working

 Ya know that quip, "Hard at work? Or hardly working?" That reminds me of my week. 

I've been going into the office (school) and it's been exhausting. Some days are 7:00 AM - 3:00 PM and even if I'm not that early it's still exhausting! We had a training that started at 8:30 AM (so I was there at 8:00 AM) and that was still gutting.

All that and I've had spats of productivity offset with complete paralysis. They switched one of my ELA 12 classes to a Mythology class, which is kind of cool but I have NOTHING prepared for it. At least I get a textbook for this one.... all the teachers say "it will teach itself" but that old book don't poop out magical PowerPoints and quizzes. Unfortunately.

I'm spent.

I'm sure you can tell by the way I'm writing haha

So here I am. Still terrified and mildly excited... mostly terrified. It seems ridiculous that they have entrusted me with so much. Don't they know how little I know!? And I'm just talking about curriculum and tech, never mind how long ago I got my degree and what kind of teaching I can do. It's madness. They'll throw a wet rug up there and see how it goes at this rate.

Okay, that was a little harsh. I apologize to wet rugs everywhere.

I enjoyed some weeding yesterday and hanging out with a neighbor afterward. Today I managed to do the dishes but we're getting takeout yet again. The hubs and I are both done under with work. It's weird!

Throwing me off... and yet maybe this is the beginning of a new dance, not really a "throwing me off" but a "throwing me into" something.

I feel loopy. I'm going to go do something and wait for the Chinese food to arrive! 

Best wishes and caring thoughts :o)

Words for Wednesday

I haven't felt very inspired to write for a while now and while I'm still not rarin' to go, I wanted to give it a shot this week as a coping device. It's important to distract myself from the anxiety and mental anguish so I figured whatever the prompt I would do it! No cherry picking!

So this week's prompt is....

This week's prompts are: 
1. 'If you feel like screaming, be my guest'
2. 'There is something different about you'

Let's see where this goes...

"There is something different about you," he said while flipping the home fries on the large griddle built into the stove top. It was a feature we had never seen on a stove until moving into this rental. "You have to remember that you are not wired right; that your brain lies to you. And let's admit it, you tend have unrealistically high expectations on top of that. So not a good combo." 

"But I'm really starting to believe that this all was a horrible idea. I'm already backsliding into flashes and school hasn't even started." I felt whiny but didn't care much. Part of me wanted to make things out even worse than they were but I couldn't do it. 

"Well, honestly, I didn't expect anything less. One of the worst parts of your anxiety is the anticipation. Once you're actually doing the thing you tend to do better. At least then you can go into survival mode at the very least." 

I wasn't sure my survival mode was strong enough in this upcoming situation. Images of a full classroom and me standing at the head of the room with nothing teach came flooding into my mind. It had been weeks of standing blankly in front of the computer with a bad case of teacher's writer's block surrounding the creation of lesson plans.Tears were sprouting. What is I never got that groove back? What if my lesson planning would always been worse than pulling teeth?

"I haven't been able to do ANYTHING." I was muttering now. Wetly muttering as my tears and saliva increased exponentially toward slobbering sobs. "When I'm trying to make a lesson I just want to scream."

"Well, you can scream if you want to."

I didn't want to scream. Well, not the therapeutic angry scream that he had in mind. I wanted to heart wrenching scream of misery and pain and fear that makes you think a wild animal is dying somewhere. 

I wanted to retreat into a hole a die. But I didn't want to die. I just wanted the pain and fear to stop. All I had been able to do to abate it had been distraction. Doing my cross stitch or watching my favorite sitcom. While that helped with the mental anguish, it also tortured me with the knowledge of wasted time. I felt trapped.

More tears and I slumped away toward my "hole" or the closest thing to it-the space between the wall and my bed. It was cooled by an air conditioning vent and quiet and close. For now I would cry. Cry and breath and try to hope. 

*Heavy sigh* 

These tend to turn our therapeutic for me. It's good but I feel a little self conscious because I feel like I make mountains out of mole hills but that's pretty much how yesterday went. Except the hubs wasn't so nonchalant. He was definitely more concerned and supportive than I illustrated here!

Anyways. I'm off to another teacher training. Today I armed myself with some caffeine so hopefully my focus!

Increasing Symptoms

Yesterday we went out to the Uinta mountains for a hike. It was a little stressful because the trail head that the husband chose was closed due to fire fighters using it as a base camp. There was a wildfire not too far away. We decided to keep driving another 20 minutes (it had already been over an hour) and followed a crowd to a Crystal Lake trail head. 

The hike helped me with my rumination and bad thoughts for a bit. On the way home I was almost in tears again though and the hubby checked in with me about what skills I was using. We decided that counting colors would help the most and it did. The thoughts of a gun to my head or jumping out of the car calmed down.

Still, it's not a good sign. As my anxiety becomes more prolonged it wears on much more and those ruminations and flashes flare up. I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist at the end of the month so I'm going to really try and focus on making it to that appointment. 

I'm terrified of starting the school year.

So terrified that I reached out to my sister (a teacher) and it was actually really validating. I'm pretty cautious about bringing her into my life in anyway especially something so personal as my first year teacher struggles. That said, I don't have anyone else like her to talk to. And I think it's wise to ask for help.

So, I'm struggling a little bit. Which was to be expected but now that every training and meeting makes me feel less like a teacher and more like an imposter I feel a dark cloud gathering.

Wishing everyone beautiful weather and peaceful days...

I guess we've switched...

Opened up Blogger today and found myself in a new, updated interface. Can't decide if I love or hate yet but definitely makes me feel OLD.

I have begun a new cross stitch this week. One that will take MANY months, if not for complexity but for sheer size. (See feet below for reference)

It is going to be a California Gull and a sego lily, the state bird and flower of Utah. I must say I was little surprised and disappointed that something as commonplace as a sea gull was the new state bird when we moved (they are referred to as rats of the sea in WA sometimes) but I like the cross stitch and we will see how things go.

I have never worked with such a big piece of aida before! The hubster ordered the pattern offline and I wasn't too pleased considering I usually choose kits that include all the materials. Shopping at the craft store I couldn't find some of the thread colors that I needed so I'll be crossing that bridge when I get there.

In other news I've had TWO meetings about work this week with my partner teacher and a SPED teacher regarding the assessments that will go on in our Senior English courses. It's been nice talking to adults and even though I still feel like we're not prepared and little clueless, it does help talking about things. I'm still plunking along trying to develop as much content as possible and get it all online. 

Tomorrow I have an all day training and I'm a little worried about my stamina. Today I woke up and felt like hell despite a pretty decent night's sleep. I'm going to start getting up earlier next week for my trainings then (M-Th) and then the week following our contract starts so we'll be in our rooms and getting ready. I'll have to talk with my partner teacher about when I should be in that week considering I'm part-time I don't know if I do part-time prep week or what. I don't mind putting in extra time as long as I don't get symptomatic and it gets me more prepared.

Also need to figure out when to pick up my teacher lappy...

OH! I have begun calling the snail Kosmo. My husband had a bottle of beer from a brewery we like and the brewer's name was Kosmos, and so I got Kosmo from it and have liked it as a snail name so far.

Needs a Name

I drew a big snail for my classroom and I need help naming it... I like the way it turns out except for the small antennae :/ Permanent markers  and an ironing board! Hahaha

Some Utah Pics

Today marks a month since we moved to Utah!

Yesterday we took a hike up to Catherine's Pass and saw some wonderful wildflowers. BB hiked all the way up and back, even enjoying some rock climbing along the way. His feet got "tired of hiking" partway back but we made it without any piggy back rides!

BB made a new friend in a rather large zucchini he dubbed Squashy Squash. He carried it all around the house like a baby and even put it to bed in a little Spider-Man mask sleeping bag and miniature pillow. Oh, and of course they watched some TV together too.

RSVP'd to a meeting about back-to-school and Covid-19 at my high school. It'll be my first time on campus but I'm not very excited for hours of talk and probably tears. If the board of education meeting I watched was any sort of predictor, it might get wet.

Sod! Finally!

What to write? 

I'm lying on the floor, trying to shake my brain up a bit and shake out some words.

We are doing pretty well. I'm still fighting anxiety-found a wonderful post by Brene Brown of Elizabeth Gilbert's post the other day that helped me:

I copied and pasted that so it may or may not show. It says, "You are afraid of surrender because you don't want to lose control. But you never had control; all you had was anxiety."

I sure have a lot of that and it's precisely because of a lack of control around the school year starting and not having a lot of curriculum down or having a clue how things are going to work.

My school district voted to return to school full-time, in-person. The district just north of us voted to do the opposite: full-time, online. So we shall see where we each end up in a couple months from now. School starts the 17th. WHOA that's exactly a month from today! What were the chances?

Anyways. We've being doing pretty well. I had one of those days that just seems "off" when you're driving and almost hit a ped or cut someone off accidentally and get  honked at... or both. (Nervous halo emoji here). It made me feel scared of myself. Like some accident or punishment was on the horizon. 

Oh, not to mention the anguish after the hubbo left a $1 tip for a pizza delivery person that did a poor job. 20 minutes past quota and stayed in car fiddling on phone before bringing us the order. Still, I feel bad for not tipping. He argues it's for service and bad service gets bad tips. Somehow I felt scared of being black balled by the pizza service Gods.

So school and tips. That's been my agony the past few days. And landscaping. We've been waiting for the lawn and the landscapers had originally thought it would be Saturday, Monday, or maybe Tuesday but here it is Friday. We didn't know when they would be showing up but we gave up after Tuesday. Then they showed up just to dump things in the dumpster they left here. Not any work on the uneven lawn or unweeded garden beds. 

To make it worse for everyone involved the sod guy had said he'd be here at 7:30 when he didn't show up until after 1:00. The landscapers skulked about all day waiting. I couldn't feel too bad for them considering all the hours we waited around for them, afraid to leave and lock them outta the yard accidentally. 

Oh well. It's all small potatoes but a little rotten and obnoxious.

I'm working on curriculum for "The Yellow Wallpaper" and "The Lottery" now. My co-teacher is going to share materials with me once our learning management system is up. But for now I'm trying to soothe myself with work. A dose of control I suppose, even if it's an illusion.

Hot here too. I sweat even between the car and a building and yes, my pits are still are a well of bacteria ridden stench. My chemistry is just not conducive!! A weird looking word that one...

Wishing wellness to all and no pit stains either <3

The Boys Are Back In Town

***Yes, that's a Thin Lizzy reference and also a nod to "A Knight's Tale" (great movie if ya haven't seen it).***

Anyways! My boys are back home after a journey to Yellowstone and my brother-in-law's in Idaho. They left Wednesday and got back Sunday. It was rejuvenating to have some time to myself but definitely a little lonely. I stayed at home after having my big panic attack/episode and being bedridden on Tuesday. They took some gorgeous pictures and while I feel like I missed out, I also feel like we made the right decision. A few days with not a lot of sleep and lots of car driving may not have been best for me.

Instead, I spent a lot of my time reading and working on some training for school. Ironically the Canvas program that freaked me out so bad after my trip to the district office! I'm feeling better about it even though I'm still intimidated. I think most of my anxiety around school is the lack of curriculum right now. I don't know what books we are doing (outside of "The Hate U Give" but we're not starting with that) and I have intermittent freak outs about it.

In other news, we are liking Utah. I've been taking walks through our neighborhood to a local park that has a nice ring around it for walking. It isn't particularly exerting though. I need more exercise for sure. That said, I'm not sure that I'm ready to walk into a gym. The idea makes my Covid senses tingle and I'm not a huge fan of working out alone. That said, my backup plan is getting a rower. I know the hubs likes to row and I used to love it too.

BB is doing well. Only a few "I miss Grandma" moments but mostly excited to play with some other boys on the street. There is a 10 yo and a 4 yo and they both play with BB really well. Little difficult when it's so hot and relationships are just blooming. Sometimes we have to tell BB that he can't just run over to the neighbors at all hours! He also enjoys the park up the hill too. His school is even closer than the park but we also have to get him enrolled in an afterschool care program at La Petite or KinderCare etc.


SO. We are doing pretty well overall. Some freak outs, and I missed a vacay... but we're good. :o)

Sending hugs and good vibes :o)

Bedridden

Bedridden. To be confined to bed by sickness or age. Me. Today. Bedridden.

All because of a Learning Management System that I know nothing about.

The morning started off all right with an earlier than usual wake-up and purposeful shower and dressing. I was going to the District Office to finish my new hire paperwork and get the photo taken for my official ID badge. I felt good about my outfit, comfortable with the unknowns, and while I didn't get all my questions answered-I felt the trip went well.

Then I got home to tie up some loose ends-email here, a call attempt there. Still haven't heard back about those things. What I did look into was my Canvas program. It's a big ole hunk of software for posting assignments, submitting assignments, posting discussions, and beyond. Something that I have no experience whatsoever with.

I didn't even get a log-in during my student teaching. I had to do everything behind the district's back on my mentor's lappy or manually on mine. Wi-fi? No thank you. I have a hunk of junk with a USB.

Anyways. Looking at Canvas and feeling totally overwhelmed started to chip away at me. I tried to cope. I tried to problem solve and watch some tutorials and it just got worse. Next thing ya know I'm sitting on the ground the  hubs is telling me to please get into bed. I'm crying and shaking. "What was I thinking? What was I thinking? I can't do this." I make it to bed and he makes me take an anti-anxiety med, piles my weighted blanket and comforter on me, and set me to resting.


Resting. Resting for I don't know how long. The day disappeared. BB probably consumed a week's worth of television in this day.

I don't know. I have to become better at not knowing. Waiting for the learning to come. They haven't assigned our classes or our curriculum decided yet so there is nothing I can do but read, guess, and wait.

The unknown.

Me on a stage in front of all those kids.

But right now, all the unknown.

Settling In

Our move started on Friday morning. We made it nearly halfway to UT that night and then the rest of the way Saturday. Unpacked and returned the truck on Saturday too! We were quite impressed with ourselves (between the delirium of so much work and driving). The trip is about 13 hours without stops. We split it up between two days with multiple stops. BB insists on peeing to his own schedule.

The rental is a big split level. There are some issues to be addressed but overall we are comfortable. The neighborhood seems quiet, with a share of older residents but some younger as well. There is a great park about a 20 minute walk away that should wear out BB.

I have yet to start any school tackling business what with the move. That is to be expected but for some reason I still pressure myself to take it all on at once. It was an emotional and stressful process to move. I don't remember the last time we did so I'm not sure how I handled it then. This time there were tears and dysfunction-not eating and overworking until my brain was curdled. (Oh man, now I want pudding).

Anyways! We like our location, seems within 15 minutes to everything we want or need. The yard is a wreck but they should be dealing with that soon (the hubs talked to the property manager so who knows the real story).

I'm tired... but wanted to check in. We are here. We are here and working on it all. And hopefully tonight I get a good night's rest!

PS WHEW IT IS HOT!

Farewells

Farewells are happening. I posted online that we were moving and had a few friends contact me to arrange farewell meetings. I was able to enjoy a late lunch with one friend of 13 years on Friday. We couldn't believe it's already been 13 years! She just had her daughter a few months ago... we will miss each other but I've promised to get in touch around the holidays. Tomorrow and the next day I see two more friends. Little awkward with the pandemic on but we're trying to commune with caution.

Today I said farewell to my favorite provider of all time. My psych ARNP that has been taking care of me for the last 3-or nearly 3-years. She reflected on my intake during our last appointment this afternoon and said that I was fresh off ECT with hardly any working memory and completely flat expression. SO much has changed she says. She's very excited for the hubs, BB, and me to make our new life in Utah. I cried. But said I will send Christmas cards which she was happy to hear!

In other news the house is getting to the "mostly packed" phase with odds and ends making up awkwardly packed boxes now instead of the more thematic and neat boxes of earlier. Friday we wake up early and start the moving process! Saturday we will move into the new house down there. BB is excited and lets me know that even though he'll be far away from his friends and cousin and grandma that he can still call them.

My sibs weren't too concerned with goodbyes this weekend. We had a family BBQ yesterday and said farewells until Christmas. All things aligned we'll be back north for the holiday.

Oh! I finished a stitching project that I didn't intend to finish... some of the cross stitches turned to half stitches and it's not perfect but here ya are-my "Not Our Monkeys" reminder to not take on everyone else's stress. "Not my circus; not my monkeys." If it's somebody else's mess I am not responsible and don't need to through myself into an abyss worrying about it. Something like that... hopefully it makes sense to you all as it does to me! 

Packing Has Begun

I have decided I don't really like packing. Perhaps I'll like unpacking more? I can't really remember our other moves-how stressed I was, how satisfying it may have been, how afraid I was for our favorite belongings. So, I'm taking things one box at a time.

One thing I'm not taking one at a time is reading. I have four books cracked at the moment (and a day ago it was five). I'm reading The First Days of School and The Hate U Give to prepare for school and Anna Karenina and Julie & Julia for pleasure (although The Hate U Give is also a good book). I just finished a very dense read about PBS (Positive Behavioral Support) which I had tried to read at least three times before and failed. It was a library book that I got stuck with when plague hit. I then discovered that the school I'm headed to is using a similar (if not same) behavioral management program so I buckled down and got 'er dun.

As far as moving we have given notice and set a date-the 19th. That said, we don't for sure have a place to move just yet. They couldn't process the application without us having given notice because our current apartment management wouldn't confirm our tenancy without us having given notice. Huh??? It's scary. The hubs thinks the next contact from the property manager in Utah will be to arrange a time to get the keys. I'm still afraid of rejection.

There is a chance (if the apartment hasn't rented our unit) that we can stay on until the end of June if need be. I hope it doesn't come to that. I already feel like we're packed up a bit early but it will be a process I suppose.

I have been so caught up in the move and being freaked out about the prospect of my teaching role that I haven't been keeping up on the blogging. I wonder how y'all are doing?

Writing After a While

Been feeling a bit small and broken. In the face of new hire paperwork, signing an official contract, and registering for new teacher trainings... not to mention the daunting prospect of preparing a classroom and curriculum for 120ish kids. I'm having a hard time seeing the now from the future's fears.

I find myself wanting to feel worse than I do. I feel my meds working and my sanity fighting harder for majority rule. Yet that dark side is pushing, trying to regain control and part of me wants it to. I want a crisis to get me out of this pressure. I want to be in more pain so I have an excuse, a reason to say "I can't" as opposed to "I'm afraid." It feels sick and twisted and yet reasonable too.

The hubs is so pragmatic compared to my emotional turmoil. He reminds me to focus on the now and what I've done toward my goals today, not the goals in entirety, everything at once as if it needs to happen NOW. It's not realistic or true. I do have some time to get everything done. I even have time after school starts to keep working on my trade and preparations. It's ongoing. So like life, no real finish line, just so many beginnings.

Anyways.

Haven't written in a few days so we'll see what happens with this week's Words for Wednesday!

1.  Mythology                                             7.   Barrier

2.  Contemporary                                       8.  Captivate

3.  Instinct                                                    9.   Companion

4.  Overture                                               10.   Unique

5.  Banter                                                   11.   Affair

6.  Groundbreaking                                 12.   Interior  

The mythology was captivating and unique. My companion in the bunk above would not have appreciated the lush interior of the science fiction novel; the unique and groundbreaking fiction creating a world similar to ours but different enough to captivate and educate. It seems we don't learn as well from our own examples. Simple banter over a character's affair becomes an overture about my own secret desires for a different life that I know would doom me. Yet that instinct to dream persists. The barrier to my happiness was surely the inability to accept my reality according to the book and I couldn't argue with this ancient as well as contemporary wisdom. How many pop psychologists touted the same fixtures of happiness? And yet how many societies pushed for change and desire. I devoured the book and it's fantastical content, relishing the mystical characters that I shared so much in common with. Maybe someday I would become actualized like the protagonist and yet part of me wished it would never be so and that I could cherish this book forever in my struggle.

Well there ya have it. It feels a little vague and not quite fleshed out but I think it touches on some of the heady thoughts I've been dancing with lately.


In other news, the hubbo thinks it might behoove us to move sooner. Saving money and such. I'm afraid of the whole prospect. All the worries about school and then the fact that I haven't begun packing a single thing! So much pressure. Mostly created in my own mind... I'm not alone. No one expects me to be perfect. And most everyone I've spoke to about the move has been so happy for me and supportive and excited-I know that they see something in me that I can't see myself right now.


I just have to step back.


These tiny steps back and forth. I feel like a worm!