Thursday, April 24, 2014

Nosedive & Recovery

Yesterday was messy and it was mostly because of the day before and an acute episode of baby fever.

I think it arose from the postnatal I had that day, the baby cuteness, and an amazing baby chair that blew my mind. Put me right into baby brain! Once I had the blush of baby inspiration (Ooh! I want to have a baby!) my find flew away on dreams but was quickly checked by reality and my rational brain's concerns.

When I put myself down, I put myself down hard. Things quickly escalated from "Now's not the right time" to "You're a mess. You're not good enough to have a baby. You have to change a lot before you can even consider this." The negativity kept rolling until I felt so ashamed and guilty I was compelled to scratch myself with some scissors.

There was a lot of unpleasantness but the biggest disappointment was how badly the following day went for me. I wasn't eating. I wasn't doing anything. Total zombie. As my psych prof once said, "marinating." Thankfully the hubby had it in him to right the ship when he got home. Forcing me to eat, getting me to exercise and talk helped get me out of the hole.

The doubts are still stalking my mind. I considered going back on hormonal birth control despite really not wanting to just to rein in the baby fever. It is so overwhelming. My mind basically boiled everything down to me not having my $h!t together. If I had a job, if I were a healthy weight, if my mental health were more stable (it's like a 3-legged stool, each leg is vital) then I would have the right to want a baby... or so my brain says. In my mind I don't have a right to want something. How sick is that?

I know I'm a perfectionist and the extreme standards in my mind are a recipe for self-hate and grief. The sad part is so much around me reinforces these standards and emphasizes just how lacking I am. Media, bank account, even my supportive hubby. I'm not healthy enough, I'm not productive enough, I'm not earning enough money, and because of all that I'm obviously not disciplined enough! It goes on and on....

Even though it's not enough, I feel the need to pronounce some things about me that are worth something. It's like yanking a stump out of the ground trying to figure out some positive things to say about myself, but I will try:

I don't mind looking like a fool or being childish. Making faces, funny sounds, playing with Play-Doh on the kitchen floor-I'm all over it.

I'm empathetic.

I have a good heart.

I am a decent cook.

I am a good laundress.

I love reading, aloud or otherwise, kooky voices optional.

I care.

I'm observant.

I'm a hard worker.

I've accepted that spilling, spraying, splashing, slopping, or staining on my clothes is a part of life.

Well. That's something, I suppose. And I will continue taking things day by day, hoping that someday I will believe that I am enough.

In other news, I'm making ham bone soup from Easter leftovers today (the apartment smells pretty delightful, I must say). Iroh and Fio have been wonderfully supportive co-sleepers the last few days when I've had a hard time getting out of bed. Millie has been vocal and friendly, but still a biter. Shocker. The hubbo has tomorrow off!

OH! Also had a really trippy dream last night where I was out and about with my MIL and I had a "baby." The baby was a rat the size of a newborn human! We were at a bus or railroad station and went to the bathroom where I attempted to change the "baby's" diaper. Lemme tell you, changing a cat-sized rat-baby's diaper is no easy feat...

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Be well, HBF