Yesterday (especially last night) was rough for me. My mood slipped downward despite exercise and chores and I noticed a shift in my mental patterns toward some nasty habits.
The nasty habits I refer to are comparison and shame. Facebook seems to prey on these weaknesses! A bevy of false advertising and professional photography that I really believe is meant to incite jealousy catches me in my weakened mental state and plunges me deeper into shame.
As I feed the negativity I then want to divorce myself from all my perceived shame; memories, photos, and even wishing I could vanish from others' memories-as if they recall all of my most embarrassing moments. It's a sort of twisted vanity born from my depressive brain believing that my life is worse than anyone else's.
It's the hallmark of many of my worst episodes, the early stages of losing faith in my worth completely and the first step down a long, dark path toward suicidal thoughts and desperation. Hopefully recognizing the thoughts and trying harder to avoid this downward spiral will prevent a full blown episode!
And in that spirit, I'm off for a walk with the devil dog.