Sunday, September 6, 2015

Another Rough Day

Today I awoke with anxious thoughts about cancelling my doula gig at the forefront of my mind. The entire day, off and on, it has plagued me. The anxiety making me tense, at times nauseated or light headed, at others my limbs semi-frozen and heavy. I took my anti-anxiety meds but it didn't help much if at all. Living in dread is making me ill. Tomorrow, if I haven't heard from the client, I will call and face these fears. Hopefully I can at least get some closure.

I've also been agitated, impatient, and snappy today, one of my early signs that my mood is in decline. It is so strange to be aware of one's mood being so irrational, so out of control, like being hijacked. I am able to control some of the angry outbursts but still have my moments. I am able to tell the hubby that I'm agitated and snappy (which is already obvious) and I'm able to communicate about my mood but my tone and delivery is wonky... It's hard to explain but basically I'm not myself today.

Don't get me wrong, some days being cranky and snappy happens but today it seems not of me, it doesn't follow, it seems strange and out of control.

I don't know. But that is where I am at the moment.

Reading and doing my distraction/relaxation therapy helps, trying not to fight this or grapple with it, but instead letting it pass through helps as well.

Tomorrow is a new day.

PS Ya know you're reading a good romance novel when someone accidentally gets lit on fire. Pretty dang good chapter ending cliffhanger.

PPS Ya know you're hubby is concerned about your mental health when his chit chat involves some story about a lady that had postpartum psychosis... twice.


  1. Lit on fire? Now I want to know what happens.

    I am not sure if you are able to focus on a little harder subject right now but I am reading a book right now that is really hitting home with me. It is called, "The Mindful Path to Self-compassion" by Christopher K. Germer*. It is pretty much the total opposite of any so-called self-help book ever written. There is no trying this or that. You just treat yourself as you would, for instance, me. You speak gently with yourself. "Hannah, you are just having a bad time right now but you are going to be OK. Grab a glass of water and put your feet up. Don't worry about cleaning today" It is a little more complicated than that but not much more. He also has a website that has free meditations you can listen to.

    Not sure if they will help of hinder but thought I would tell you about them. If they hinder, don't use! :-)

    *You can probably get his book at your local library.

    1. I have totally read that before it's just been a few years! Maybe it is time to revisit it... Thanks for the tip.

      Oh, and the fire turned out to be an unexpected twist but not too interesting... a fish frying gone awry and a "he won't stand to look at me with these ghoulish legs" after being scarred, something about "pity is next to contempt" and "I couldn't stand for him to look upon me in that way." PS these are made up approximations of quotes not real quotes :)

  2. I love the idea of you (and me and everyone else) being as kind to ourselves as we would to someone else. Cutting ourselves some slack.

    1. Me too. I wish there were free helpmates around to help facilitate the cutting of slack!


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Be well, HBF