Increasing Symptoms

Yesterday we went out to the Uinta mountains for a hike. It was a little stressful because the trail head that the husband chose was closed due to fire fighters using it as a base camp. There was a wildfire not too far away. We decided to keep driving another 20 minutes (it had already been over an hour) and followed a crowd to a Crystal Lake trail head. 

The hike helped me with my rumination and bad thoughts for a bit. On the way home I was almost in tears again though and the hubby checked in with me about what skills I was using. We decided that counting colors would help the most and it did. The thoughts of a gun to my head or jumping out of the car calmed down.

Still, it's not a good sign. As my anxiety becomes more prolonged it wears on much more and those ruminations and flashes flare up. I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist at the end of the month so I'm going to really try and focus on making it to that appointment. 

I'm terrified of starting the school year.

So terrified that I reached out to my sister (a teacher) and it was actually really validating. I'm pretty cautious about bringing her into my life in anyway especially something so personal as my first year teacher struggles. That said, I don't have anyone else like her to talk to. And I think it's wise to ask for help.

So, I'm struggling a little bit. Which was to be expected but now that every training and meeting makes me feel less like a teacher and more like an imposter I feel a dark cloud gathering.

Wishing everyone beautiful weather and peaceful days...