Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Tues Evening

Touch and go today. Spent the morning in bed doing puzzles between dozing and taking care of Baby. The hubby came home early (noon) with fast food. I was super hungry as I'd only had some cereal that morning so despite not having an appetite I devoured the burger.

This afternoon was slow going. I spent more time in bed but managed to shower around 4ish? We ran some errands and then came home for dinner. I turned on my phone (it had been off all day, the hubbo wasn't so thrilled about that having read my morning post and not being able to contact me, but I digress) and found a text from my mom.

No intro, just leaped right into talking about my sister and how she's having a boy and sending her some clothes we had found for her a while back. We hadn't spoken or texted since the news broke (apparently I found out a couple days after everyone else, seems to be a trend) but she just went right there, didn't ask me how I've been or anything. Pissed me off.

I'm still struggling to intercept the suicidal/self harming thoughts and try to troubleshoot instead of bottoming out (obviously) but I think I made a little progress, I was at least aware of the thoughts being a stress reaction.

I'm having a hard time getting up the gumption to leap into a moms group or online forum or Facebook group. I think it's the social anxiety and fear of rejection or soaking up others' emotions, a bunch of stuff I guess! Somehow I will just have to try a few things and hope I find some good people... Right now it feels like more trouble than it's worth but I need something to change and I don't think I can trust my brain's opinion all that much at the moment.

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Be well, HBF