Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Bad Night

Rough night. Still awake. Obviously....

The hubbo and I were talking about the lease being up next month and moving. Somewhere along the line the hubster mentioned maybe working a second job and we started talking about finances and I ended up feeling horrible. Worthless. Like it was my fault he doesn't make as much as he wants to at his current job, that if I worked somehow our lives would exponentially better.

We talked it out and while the hubbo was really rational and talking me down about how much daycare would cost and being a one-income family isn't a terrible thing and that I do worthwhile things taking care of Baby and all that but it didn't do much. I was spiraling already, logic wasn't happenin'!

Sharing a pint of Chubby Hubby and zoning out watching "Covert Affairs" together almost got things back on track but then bedtime rolled around. Lately I've been getting to bed first but tonight I was out of it in my mood and the hubster turned off the lights and took Baby from me and initiated bedtime procedures... it pushed me back over the edge somehow. I felt like I didn't exist. Went back to feeling worthless.

Throughout the course of the evening I had anger flares. I smacked the wall, punched pillows, groaned, plugged my ears and moaned, it was all unpleasant. The urge to self-harm was there but I avoided succumbing to it, I did admit to the hubbo, "I want to self-harm." As open as we are it's tough for me to say it outright...

He was really tired so I stayed up with the kiddo. The hubster asked me to wake him up if I wanted to self-harm again, I said that it wasn't worth waking him up, even if I did self-harm I never hurt myself "that much." He asked if I was wanting to hurt the baby and I said that I had had the impulse to throw him down but I wouldn't do that-EVER-and if I couldn't handle things I would set him down or get help. It was all kind of surreal. I had this, "this is our life" moment as we had the exchange and I wondered how many spouses talk about "if you are going to harm yourself wake me up" before going to bed? Thankfully not our daily routine, but felt sad that we've done this enough times to be familiar with the procedure.....

So. I'm not happy right now. Can't sleep. Feeling more stable but not quite over feeling so shitty about myself.... Baby steps. Things will change. Again.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, dear. We mothers can't win. We feel guilty if we work and guilty if we don't. And yes, there is nothing wrong with an one income family. It is only in the last 30 years or so where women considered working outside the home. I don't know if we are a better society because of it.

    Hang in there. xo


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Be well, HBF