Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Just.... Ugh.

Today started out well enough. Things with Baby went fine this morning, I was able to eat and even do some chores. This afternoon when the hubbo came home we all went for a walk and I even jogged a bit. It felt good at the time but now I'm thinking maybe I overdid things.

In the shower I was sudsing my pits and my breast began to hurt. I've been having ongoing issues with Righty and a plugged duct or cyst or whatever the hell I don't need right now... It's just gotten more tender since I've been actively trying to drain it. I've finally decided to get help from a lactation consultant and while that should be comforting it ended up making me feel like a failure for not getting help sooner.

That was frustrating and the heat in the apartment was frustrating and then Baby got frustrating... He was fussy all evening  it seems, ate his fill but left me with milk, so I went to get my pump and found mold. Fucking mold in my breast pump that I had just cleaned.

It was the last straw. I wanted to punch walls, I wanted to cry but I could barely manage a few tears. I threw out weeks' worth of milk to be safe and the hubster sanitized and cleaned the pump for me and I'm waiting for it dry so I can finally get this milk out.

I'm so fed up with not feeling decent. My tooth is better but not totally and my boobs just can't get it together. I thought I was finished with the engorgement issues and then I woke up day before yesterday in pain. This plugged duct is so discouraging and I just want to feel normal instead of dysfunctional.

I'm not sure when I'll be able to see the lactation consultant, I'm going to call tomorrow morning for an appointment. I called into my ND to let her know that the home care she suggested isn't working and haven't heard back, not that it matters since she won't be in the office the rest of the week and I'm not convinced that she can help me much.

To top it off some fucking smoker flooded the living room with smoke just now so I had to close the door. It's fucking broiling in here and I have to shut the door. I want to bash this keyboard into tiny bits.

I know it's pretty impossible but I keep wanting to bash my breasts with a baseball bat. I'm so fed up I don't even care anymore. I know it's not uncommon to be discouraged when it comes to breastfeeding but right now I just want to say "fuck it" and quit. Deep down I know it's just the "now" talking.... but fuck it all for now. Just fuck it all.


  1. The engorgement should work itself out but it is a drag. I remember wondering how much further the skin on my breast would stretch. Have you tired having a warm shower and expressing some?

    1. Oh yeah. Warm shower, hand expression, cold compress, block feeding-I'm still an Elsie... To top it all off I'm having more emotional symptoms, thinking of doing bad things to Baby and crying all of a sudden but not being able to cry when I feel the need. Gonna start a B-Complex and talk to my therapist Monday about it. Hoping it's just these few days being rough and not something more significant.


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Be well, HBF