Sunday, April 10, 2016

Sometimes, I just don't know...

This weekend has been confusing.

Sweet, wonderful family moments and time with the hubster interrupted every so often by my urges to self harm or thoughts of ending it all entirely. I've been popping more anti-anxiety pills than I have in the entire last week and feeling pretty miserable, tense, and worthless.

The hubster brought me an anti-anxiety pill with a glass of water and I asked him to get the glass away from me and he asked me to take the pill and I asked him again to get it away from me and he told me take the pill and I started sobbing and sob-saying "get it away from me!" until he did and gave me my plastic Nalgene and asked what was up with the glass (after I took the pill). I told him how I've been envisioning breaking the glasses around the house and using the shards to cut my wrists.

You know that point where you cross over from, "I'm having a rough time" to "Man, am I fucked up?" That's me right now.

What a weekend.

What a frickin' weekend.

Another day or two of this and I'm back to the ECT. Yipee-freakin'-yee

Did I post a link to this article yet? I can't remember. Oh well. Here it is again.... "When You're in the Gray Area of Being Suicidal."


  1. Heartfelt hugs. As always.
    Those grey thoughts surround us like a concrete shroud don't they? I so hope you can find your way into the light. And LOVE that you were strong enough to tell hot hubster that glass was a no-no.

  2. Apparently I'm went from gray to all black this Monday morning. But I'm still here. Just sayin' it ain't all roses over here. Got on the ECT docket for tomorrow.

  3. Sending love and hugs Hannah. Take care of you.

  4. Are there any good places for you to go for support, near you?

  5. It's tough. I can't drive when I'm getting ECT twice or more in a week and a lot of my support comes from the internet. I had some moms I used to walk with, then I fell off the radar with the hospitalizations and ECT... *sigh* it's never been easy for me.


Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF