Monday Missive #4

Dear Amanda,

I still think of you sometimes. We have not seen each other or spoken for 8 years now but you still cross my mind. I wonder where you are, what you do, if you are happier or if you are even more sad than you were when I knew you. 

I wonder if you still harbor all that anger and hate. You were so angry when I knew you, not just toward me, toward everything and yourself. So much anger that it was eating you alive. 

We were friends before we were enemies and I fondly remember those times, that connection we had despite all the differences between us, our mutual thirst for knowledge and dark senses of humor, a shared love for all things "outdated." 

That said, I remember the bad times just as clearly and they still haunt me. I still experience a cold, sinking feeling whenever I recall the horrible things you said to me and I still feel the fear.

I used to think it was my fault and I regretted not fixing things between us. I don't believe that anymore. Time has blessed me with improved perspective and I realize now that while I may not be faultless in our falling out, I was surely not the mastermind. Maybe not purely victim, but more so than I was able to see at the time.

Your anger and hate was/is not my fault, certainly not my burden to carry or my problem to solve. It has always been yours and all those years ago it boiled over and burned me. I don't deserve to bear these feelings of guilt and shame for a pain that was inflicted upon me. I'm sure that I hurt you in some way but I never wished you harm or threatened you, I can't imagine that I gave you years' worth of nightmares and anxiety as you did to me.

I realize now that that mess was yours and I was much too quick in heaping blame upon myself. I forgive you. I regret letting these things bother me so much for so long but I am glad to be working through it now and I hope this is a good start toward getting this weight off my soul.

I was not and am not the cruel bitch or manipulative whore or other horrible things that you called me. I was simply caught in the crossfire, confused and vulnerable while I struggled with my own adolescent issues. You preyed on me then and left this venom in me, but now I feel that I'm finally getting around to sucking that venom out.

You won't hurt me anymore.

I wish for you a brighter future than those dark days of your past.

Be well, well away from me,
Hannah