Wednesday, July 8, 2015

A ha! D'oh

I wrote that last entry and then wondered "Why am I feeling so low now? I thought I felt better this morning despite last night?" Then I remembered that I had come home from my walk and errands to find a FB of a friend with her friend doing a mommy meet up and I had hung out with them before but wasn't invited again. It hurt. I feel like I will never find friends.

So that sucks, but I am glad that I realized what was making me feel so bad. Now I don't have to be so afraid that the black dog is coming, I have a reason to be sad! Now the trick is processing and moving on :)


  1. OH, Hannah. My heart aches for you. This happened to me all the time when my kids were small. (It still does but it doesn't make me as sad now.) I think I mentioned it before but it was like they had all known each other for years and years. When I asked they had all just met! And yes, I was excluded most of the time. That has to be one of the most lonely places to be.
    Looking back I wonder why I was excluded. I still don't really have an answer. I am just "different". The women I knew were so outgoing and I don't know. Happy? Like all the time? Their husbands were more successful and they almost always had more money. They (in my mind) seemed more accomplished but looking back, not all of them were. Did they pick up on my depression even though I did a damn good job hiding it? That doesn't make sense either because I went to a Post Partum Depression support group and they all seemed to connect as well, leaving me out..again.
    Maybe they picked up that deep down I was (and still am) terrified to make close relationships. I was raised in an alcoholic home and learned from a young age to now let anyone in (to my life and my house). Put on a smile and pretend everything is just damn fucking great.
    OK.. as I wrote through this maybe that is for me that was and still is the answer. I am so afraid of people seeing me for who I really am. An overweight, depressed, anxious, sad, shameful, unintelligent woman. Fuck... Now I wish I didn't think about it too much. I really don't want to have people knowing me too well. I guess that I like blogging.

    Anyway,,,I did not mean to load my shit here. I just evolved. It may or may not ring true for you.
    At the end of the day, no matter what, it just fucking hurts.

  2. Sorry for the bumbling mess of words. ;-)

  3. NO sorrys! I love comments like this, straight forward, honest, genuine-it's what I need. :)

    I feel like many (most) people can't engage with someone like me, who lays it out there and cuts through the crap to talk about the core issues and feelings, and maybe that's why you had a hard time connecting with folks too? I can totally understand why it's hard to be around people like me, it's pretty intense, hell it sure wears me down and I feel overwhelmed if I'm around people that dump all their issues on others constantly, but I don't think I'm like that... I give and take... Guess it's just a long and arduous search finding other soul explorers. Glad we happened across one another in the blogosphere, it's a thread I cling dearly to some days.

    Here's hoping we find some like-natured folks in the real world too :)

    And who knows if they were really happy all the time or just intentionally deluded all the time... Some people want the reality TV life to actually be reality *gag*

  4. You have absolutely hit the nail on the head! Yes, I hate all the light crap. I want to talk about the important from the start. I don't care if GAP is having a sale or some salon gives great pedicures.
    Good stuff you are thinking about here, Hannah. xo


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Be well, HBF